He said he would visit daily but those visits are maybe 30-40 minutes. She has zero stimulations especially on the weekends, rooms have no tv and she shares a bathroom. I live in another state have been her caregiver for the past two years going and staying months at a time. My town has a brand new care center one block from me, I want her to come here but step dad says she needs to be close to him so he can visit “when he can”. What would you do??? She has never been one to just sit around and always had family around, I don’t want her last years spent like that. Suggestions??
Now, just to be clear, I'm not saying to have your stepdad move in with you, just to the town you're living in, so he can be close to his wife, your mom.
Otherwise if he's not open to that, there really isn't much you can do, as he has the final say pertaining to the care of his wife.
I wish you well.
If you have a good relationship (other than this issue) if you seek guardianship you can kiss that relationship goodbye.
With dementia a 30 to 40 minute visit is probably the limit for a good visit. You say in your profile that mom has been living with you. What or when did that change?
I am curious. You say the facility that mom is in now is an "Old nursing home" but you classify the facility near you as a "Care center"
Many "care centers" will also share bathrooms. There is an option for a private room or having a roommate and there are ones that will have a "jack and jill" bathroom. Any of these options are just fine and acceptable.
Keep in mind the cost of an "old nursing home" VS a "new care center" might play a role in the choice made.
And I have to ask have you visited the "old nursing home" and spent some time there to see how the residents are treated. Have you checked Medicare website for violations for both centers?
If mom has "never been one to sit around" does it really matter if there is no TV in the room. It is better that she is in a community room with others. And when it is time to go to bed really you should not have a TV on. (this includes all of us!)
As she declines less and less time will be spent with activities. More time will be spent in a wheelchair or in bed. She will loose the ability to interact with others, she will loose the ability to do activities. Depending on how fast her decline is this may not be many years, it could be 9, 12, 24 months.
You may want to talk to a lawyer about how Moms and SDs money can be split. SD should have done that when placing her to protect his share. Medicaid allows for splitting assets. Moms share gets spent down and then Medicaid applied for. Dad stays in the home and has enough money to live on.
The only way I can see this working for everyone is Mom and SD moving into an AL near you. Some have apartments or different size rooms. He would not have total care of her. If he wanted to go out, he knows she will be safe. People can have cars in these places. In Moms AL there was a woman who lived there with her husband who was the one who needed the care. When he passed, she chose to stay. This would depend though, if they had the money. I would pick one with a MC side. This way when Mom gets worse she can be transferred over but SD will be nearby.
Next: have you been to see the brand new care center? I don't think it's realistic to expect your stepfather to let your mother go lightly, and a 30-40 minute visit may be about the right length of time for both of them. But just maybe the new center might be able to accommodate both of them, and have advantages to offer stepfather too. Does he have much of a family or social network where he lives?
Talk to your mom and ask her what she wants then do it.
Sge might would rather stay there and let hubby visit every day or if offered a choice, she may want to come stay close to you.
You might check the money, maybe step-dad doesn't have the money to pay for the new place by you.
Whatever happens,, buy your mom a TV for her room
I would become as well acquainted with the new care center as well, checking for libraries, activities, food and menu choices, and everything else you can think of.
Is this an AL or IL facility?
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