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My mother is 86 years old and lives in NJ with her 2 elderly sisters. She recently got a bad infection and fell during New Year’s Day. When she left the hospital after 5 days she was placed in a rehab facility to gain her strength back. She suffered from no broken bones, but she also has stage 4 cancer, and that’s where the infection came from: her port. They have removed the port and had her on strong antibiotics to clear up all the infection in her blood.


When my husband and I got there from SC (we drive 600 miles to and from total 1200 miles), the whole time I am there doing whatever I can for my mom — going shopping and getting everything she needs for the rehab — she is so nasty to me. She can’t stand my husband who is so nice to her and her sisters. She calls me all kinds of names and I tell her, "mom please come back to SC with us where you have your own house and me and my kids (her grandkids who are grown) can help take care of you."


My mom and her sisters want me to leave my husband (who I have been happily married to for over 30 years) and come up there and take care of her indefinitely. Nothing is wrong with her mouth or her heart. She said I was the last person on this earth she would live with.


I am so hurt by the way she talks to me and she acts so jealous of my relationship with my husband. When I try to call and talk to her she is so nasty. I told her I would take care of her if she moved to SC (which is also her home) because her sisters are unable to take care of her, but they won’t be honest with her and tell her the truth. I have been so upset and sick and tired of going back and forth up and down the road 7 times in 2024 and 1 time already in 2025. I told her I wasn’t coming back until she was ready to leave with us.


Please help me. This is so hard. I do love my mean mother, but it’s so heartbreaking to me. They even have a problem because my husband drives me there. He even asked my aunt what was the problem with him driving me. She said my mom was just jealous. They say awful things about us. but we continue to be nice to my mom and her 2 sisters anyway. But I am tired of putting my husband through this. Our entire marriage, every time I go around my mom and her sisters (before she even got sick), she has always been nasty to us.

She has made her choice. Let her live with that choice and stop putting yourself into her line of fire. Just let her go. And please start therapy. You need to figure out why you can’t let go of this abusive relationship. You don’t deserve to be treated this way by anyone.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to ShirleyDot
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Please stop putting your nice husband through this! Why on earth would you bring a mean mother even closer to you? Do you expect her being closer will somehow make her nicer to you and your husband? She’s clearly shown you who she is, for many years, please believe her and leave her to it. It’s a miracle your husband will drive to see her at all, it’s totally unfair to expect this of him. Let you mother stay where she is, let her figure out her own plans for care, and live your own life with your family in peace. I wish you well in breaking an unhealthy cycle
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Smoochez65 Jan 22, 2025
You are absolutely right I need to break this ridiculous terrible cycle that I continue to go through. Sometimes you just don’t know why it’s like being in a bad relationship and you keep trying because it’s your mother and mother’s are suppose to love you no matter what. 😪 But I finally get it!!!
(6)
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“My mom and her sisters want me to leave my husband who I have been happily married to for over 30 years and come up there and take care of her indefinitely.”

That alone says how little they regard you. No family members who love you would even entertain the thought! Step back.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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I would just go back to SC and let the chips fall where they may.

One thing I want to say, don't offer your children as caregivers. IMO, if there are children who can care or do for a parent, they should be doing it. But don't expect your kids to give their time helping or caring for a grandparent. They are in the beginning of their lives establishing jobs and families. Its nice if they are willing to help, just don't expect them to.

We have so many grandchildren who come her asking for help. Somehow, familty feels they are the good choice to care for a grandparent because the children have jobs and lives. In the meantime, the grandchild can't continue their schooling, get a job or have a relationship, its sad.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Bulldog54321 8 hours ago
Seriously, I would cut my own mother off is she offered me up as a caregiver to a narcissist, destructive horrible woman.

You don’t get to offer up your adult children into slavery because you are tired of unnecessarily driving up to see a cold hearted awful woman.
(3)
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There is no law that says you have to support or care for a mean, abusive and nasty parent. People who abuse their children do not deserve loyalty.

Leave your mother where she is with her horrible sisters and go no contact. You owe this woman nothing. Stop making these trips and making yourself sick because of them.

Don't offer your children up to look after a mean grandmother. They will resent you for it.

Please do not bring this woman into your home. She will destroy it.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Let her stay with her sisters and cut her off. She has made you physically sick with her nastiness? She deserves NOTHING from you.
You made vows to your husband, not her. You have your own family to take care of, so don't even consider bringing her to live near you!
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Reply to Dawn88
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Why do you subject yourself and your husband to this abuse?

Leave her be and stop running up to NJ. Take her at her word.

These people do not have your best interest at heart if they want you to leave your husband to be their handmaiden.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Why are you doing this? What is the point? She is doesn't want to live with you. She is angry, mean, and insulting to you and your family. So what is to be gained? What are you trying to prove, and to who? Why do you want to make your mother, yourself, and your husband miserable? Just leave her with her sisters where she wants to be. Stop doing the driving round trips. If she really needs something that only you can take care of, arrange to have it done by someone there. Live your life happily with your husband and children and direct your attention toward them, since they appreciate you and your mother does not.
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Reply to MG8522
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Smoochez65 Jan 22, 2025
I guess I felt guilty because I am her only child and I thought that’s what I had to do because she is my mother. But after this episode and I came back so sick with a migraine headache and I had to be put on a IV for my headaches. I realize she is better off with them and not me it just hurts so bad because I know they really don’t want to take care of her but she is so mean to them too but they think I should take it because she is my mother. But she wants to be with them not me.
(1)
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I think you are in the right here. You are trying to protect your mental health. She is angry and perhaps more so in the anger phase of dying. If you need help with counseling. NAMI is located in SC. Look them up on the web or call the helpline to find your local chapter. +18009506264. This is a free service.
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Reply to MACinCT
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Smoochez65 Jan 22, 2025
Thank you I will give them a call because I am really feeling so overwhelmed.
(0)
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Go no contact. No one has time for abuse. Stop trying to gain her love and affection— it’s never going to happen.

Stop breaking your back and your cars by trying to wait on her hand and foot. LET. HER. FAIL.

And give your husband the respect he deserves but cutting this toxic, miserable and abusive woman out of his life too. He must be a saint to put up with this.

DO NOT EVER MOVE HER BY YOU.

I say this as someone who has been in therapy off and on since I was around 21– please do something good for yourself and find a trauma therapist to work out why you have no boundaries. Not only do you keep going back for more, you are insisting she move by you. Honestly, that is disturbing. Why would you make such a bad decision like that and do that to your sweet family?
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