I have been an unpaid family caregiver for 10 years. I have been subject to continuous gaslighting and abuse. I have been threatened with imprisonment, intimidated, manipulated and intentionally kept poor as a means of control.
I cared for my mother with cancer and dementia for 8 years until she passed. I had also been caring for my father at the same time through his insistance. When mom passed 2 years ago I said no more, I won't take care of dad, it's my rich nurse sister's turn. I went from working full time AND caring for 2 people, to working part time and finally now disabled and not working. My dad is very demanding of me and not of anyone else. I have lost everything, absolutely everything yet he says he wants to kill himself anytime I want to break free. I got him a therapist, I call hotlines when it's bad, I intervene to try to find help for him. Last week same song and dance. I said, dad, you aren't the only one who wants to die. He didn't miss a beat, he said don't, don't do it until after I die.
This explains also why he doesn't care about my ability to survive in my old age. He figures I won't have one. My narcissistic sister is VERY abusive. She was to my mother as well, even with dementia she would call and verbally abuse her. My father did nothing to stop this. He has said he doesn't want to piss her off because if everyones money is gone he will need her.
This is not the first time he has shown he doesn't care not even a little for my well being.
We had a hurricane a while back, I told him to go with my sister as she is 45-50 miles further inland from the coast. When the hurricane was hitting I called to check on him. I got through. He was fine, he asked about my house, I said it's pitch black outside and the water is starting to come in the house. He said ok, call you later. He waited over 5 days to call, and had a list of things for me to do for him once we spoke. People drowned and were electrocuted not far from me. Yet he couldn't be bothered. He said he was snacking and watching old movies when tv went out. He never gave me a second thought.
Tomorrow I call Dept if Aging and tell them, I have been an unpaid caregiver for 10 years. I have been abused for 10 years and I won't do this anymore.
Are there any pitfalls I am not thinking of involving the Dept. of Aging?
Get the assessment and tell them and repeat frequently that you can no longer provide any care, in any way shape or form. Give them your sister's contact information and forget you have a dad or a sister.
No matter what, nobody has the right to abuse you. You have every right to be done with them two. Go have a life of your own.
F
"dadisavet
14 hours ago
Thank you very much. I followed through yesterday with APS, took him to VA and threatened to leave him there, now a social worker is finally assigned. I needed to hear your post.
F"
💐🍾🍾🍾💐
WELL DONE!!! Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
The next time your father says he will commmit suicide, take him seriously and call 911. Tell them he is threatening suicide. That is the proper thing to do. Call them every time, he will stop that form of control and abuse if he has to go in to a 72 hour lockdown very many times. Then on the other hand, if he means it, you will have done the right thing to get him some help. Helping a true suicidal person is beyond your pay grade.
Don't call your sister. You don't need people in your life who push you down and are unkind. Don't answer the phone if you know it is her, if you inadverently talk to her. As soon as she starts in on you, say. "Oh, sissy, I have to go, love you, bye" and hang up.
Don't give your father any more money.
(((HUGS))) you have a lot of people in your corner.
It's more complicated, I believe, if you are living in the dame domicile and leave.
I think perhaps what you want to do is call the local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. You want to tell them that you will be ( moving/ are ill) and are no longer able to provide assistance for dad. You are seeking their input on what level of care he needs, you want them to examine his ability to access/qualify/ pay for care so he is not left without what he needs.
I understand the fact that you are fed up with what sounds like entitled, narcissistic, demanding behavior. I agree with your decision to walk away. You just want to do it in such a way that doesn't cause the AAA to push back.
If they tell you that you have a legal obligation to provide hands on care, ask them to show you where that is written in statute.
Dad is a covert narcissist and sister a malignant overt narcissist whose own daughter has not communicated with her since she was 17.
Dad makes sure all my money goes to his needs so I have nothing left for repairs. The flooding from hurricane rotted all the wood floors. They crumble beneath your feet. But as long as he is ok, that all my "dad" cares about.
Life is kinda ironic some times. They loved making my life hell while I cared for my mom for 8 years. This I did willingly, I wanted/needed help but I would NEVER walk away, my mom was my everything. So I took it.
But these last 2 years I guess I was lost, grieving and depressed from mom dying that I didn't walk away. So I took it.
I am still grieving but I am no longer lost.
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