<p data-uw-rm-sr="">I've been a long time follower of the forum and it's heart-warming to see the support and empathy shown to members. I'm not yet in the deep end of the care giving journey but anticipate to land there in the next few years. My mother immigrated to the US over 30 years ago and has raised me as a single parent without any support. She recently turned 65 and I'm about to turn 39. I was living a short flight away from her for about 5 years but have moved back into town (less than 40 min away) during the pandemic a few months into my marriage. There was always an understanding that it was just the two of us in this world and an implicit expectation that I would be there for her as she got older. Since I started working after college I began contributing to household bills and have continued to do so after moving out to the tune of around $2000/month. This also includes expensive gifts and contributing to large household expenses. I'm fortunate enough to be able to work from home now in a pretty high level position, but I've been helping her financially at the expense of my own future from the start of my career. I call her pretty much every day with most conversations centering around her complaints and frustrations. If I skip a day, she will manage to remind me that she has no one else to talk to. After moving back to town, I see her pretty much every weekend to clean her house, bring over cooked meals and groceries. Bringing in hired help is a challenge because her expectations are very high as well as finding someone willing to wear a mask and gloves (she's super COVID-conscious). I find it easier to put the labor in myself at this point. Although we have no children, this schedule has put a strain on my marriage because my husband thinks I'm prioritizing my mother's needs over our relationship sometimes. We live in a very expensive city in California and my mother isn't able to retire and hasn't planned for it at all. She works from home but gets overwhelmed with daily upkeep tasks. Although she lives in a townhouse in one of the best neighborhoods in the city, she always complains because she doesn't have enough indoor and outdoor space. She's worked really hard all the years she's been in this country so she is depressed over getting stuck in her current circumstances. When I was a child I told her that I'd love for us to live in a mother/daughter house so we can always be close by. My sentiment has changed - our relationship, while mostly good, is fraught with the usual complexities (she still thinks she knows best, is quite judgmental and uses me as a dumping ground for all problems and unresolved trauma with her own mother). While I would be fine with her moving closer so that I can be more present for her during the week and she would feel like she'd have more nearby support as she gets older, she doesn't like my neighborhood because it's not as high brow as hers. She brings up options, which are often very expensive and inconvenient for me (moving to the middle of nowhere to get a property with more land so that I can build her a house on it). She's even started mentioning moving in together but quickly commenting that "she doesn't want to be where she's not wanted". I recognize that she's had a very difficult life. Her family was abusive and awful, no successful romantic relationships, no friends. She is a great mother and has done everything possible to make sure I feel loved. At the same time, I resent being the only backstop, support system, and retirement plan. Objectively speaking I already do a lot more for her than most people do for their parents at that age. How do I balance the prison of guilt/obligation and the desire to not feel trapped by our circumstances?
Others on the forum will post about F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt). You have options. If she's controlling and using you it is because you have never put up healthy boundaries and defended them. Respectfully, please consider talking to a therapist so that you get an fresh, objective perspective on your situation. BetterHelp.com is accessible and affordable.
I only got through the part when you said $2000 before I had to come here and say that you need massive amounts of trauma therapy and boundaries.
This is literally insane. I say this outraged on your behalf on how manipulated you are by her. I mean, wow.
You would be absolutely justified to move 5,000 miles away and never send her another dime or ever see her again. My god. This is bad. Really really bad.
You absolutely are. 1000%. He is absolutely correct and you owe him an apology. You are lucky he hasn’t left you yet and when he does leave, he is going to leave skid marks.
I’m sorry but you need to hear this. HEAR ME.
Your mother is a selfish, manipulative narcissist who has molded you into her slave with no feelings or care of the fact that YOU are an adult with your own life.
I have no idea how you are going to explain to Mom that you can't fund her lifestyle. Seems she has a better one than you do. Time to go over her bills and accts. She may have stashed some of that money u gave her away for a rainy day.
You need to go to a therapist for guidance how to set real boundaries . The reason I say go to a therapist is because you will need all the support you can get to break from your mother depending on you so much , and to maintain those boundaries as your mother tries to pull you back into her grip , and she will try .
If you don’t break free from this you are at great risk of losing your husband.
He is absolutely right , you give your mother money and then on top of that you leave your husband on the weekends and are cleaning and cooking for her . There is a lot wrong with this . Please take what you have told us here to a therapist .
Good luck .
this is so far from being healthy and workable--how does your Dh put up with this dynamic??
My daughter lives in the Bay area and I don't know how they survive--they were able to buy a tiny little bungalow and were thrilled with the $1.3 million dollar price tag.
I'd NEVER ask my kids to help me, financially. It's my responsibility to take care of me--evidently you and mom feel differently.
If you can take a big step back and read your post as if you didn't know you were the OP, would you feel differently?
People generally NEED some space in their togetherness. Parents need to allow their kids to break ties and establish new boundaries. Your mom's not doing that and you're not helping her.
My DH is not terribly 'invested' in our marriage, but he would NEVER EVER allow either of our mothers to move in with us. That's a death knell for most marriages.
At least you are questioning your choices. That gives hope!
Couples counseling would be a good start and might help you see things clearly.
This is not 'love' This in indentured servitude. You can be supportive of mom and also have a personal life. I hope you seek that out before it becomes impossible to do so.
You're kicking in $2K a month to help mom maintain her lifestyle. Maybe in your budget-world that's just psocket change, but in the rest of the world (that's not California!!) $2000 a month is a lot. My mother lived on that amount for 20 years.
You can have a close relationship with mom and your DH. You can't continue to pay for mom's excesses. I guarantee your DH is going to have thoughts about that.
Once you tell her how you can no longer finance her life and devote your weekends to cleaning her townhome, ask her what she intends to do next? Find a smaller, less expensive apartment with more outdoor space? Perhaps move to a less bougie part of town? You have a husband and a life now that doesn't include building a home for HER in your plan. You'll always love her and go to visit her, but now you've entered a new phase of life, sorry mom. Her passive-aggressive statements of not being wanted should not be ignored. She's trying to guilt you into acquiescence!
Set down some HARD BOUNDARIES with the woman you don't change for anything. Get some therapy to help you realize you deserve a life of your own now, as an adult of 39 years old, and your mother is a user. No "good mother" who loves her daughter so much would EVER allow her to give up her LIFE like this and pay her way to boot. Open your eyes and realize the truth. You matter more than you realize, my friend.
I don't think you can balance those things. You are indeed trapped and will continue to be until you start to set boundaries.
It is easy for us all to sit here and say what you should do. I think you know. The fact that you are her sole source of emotional support is not normal, never mind the financial aspect. No wonder you feel drained. I can't imagine there is much left for your husband. Read up on enmeshed relationships. You will need a lot of therapy to break these patterns since you have been emotionally caretaking for her since you were a child. You deserve your own life free from the albatross of guilt. What you are doing now is not sustainable.
I'm really sorry you are in this situation and wish you the best and hope you can break free and that she can find some other outlets. No one person can be the sole support for another. No one person can meet one hundred percent of another's needs, especially not between parent and child.
If you love your husband, do not take him for granted. A spouse has to come first and it doesn't sound that he does in your life from what you have written. I don't think you can have a marriage and be so enmeshed in your mother's life.
You have three people in your marriage. You need to figure this out.
Is she sick?
You have insight. Yes it does seem you & she are on this island.
What do you want?
Have your Husband join you on the island too?
Or leave?
Your husband may be waiting in a boat. Waiting for you to set sail towards your new island, together. Maybe future children await there.
It sometimes happens that spouses wait & wait, then eventually have to sail on...
It may be tough, it may involve therapy to learn to 'un-mesh' from the Mother Island. It can be done. Setting new expectations is the start.
It doesn’t mean you can never visit.. just not LIVE there.
You say that you have been a long time on the Forum reading, so you will know the advice many will give you and have given others.
Your mother is barely THREE YEARS OLDER Than my own daughter. Yet you are already fearing a lifetime devoting yourself to her needs to the detriment of your own family. My daughter is 62 to my 81. She lives in another state. She doesn't do caregiving of me, nor will she ever, nor would I ever allow such a thing.
Your guilt will ask you to throw yourself on your mother's funeral pyre whenever she beckons you to do so. Yet guilt is not something you should even feel unless YOU CAUSED your mother's needs and can fix them. Guilt infers responsibility.
I honestly think that given your basic thinking you may be, as you said, trapped within a prison of cultural expectations from which you will make no attempts to escape. Your own expectations of yourself are that this is as it should be. So are your mother's. I don't know where, culturally your husband is, but if he comes lst generation from a culture such as your own he will understand that you intend you care for your mother for life. And likely his own as well.
We are perhaps only a few generations ourselves from these expectations in America. My own Aunt Edna gave up all of her married years really to raising children in a home that housed first her husband's mother, and then her own. She was an old woman in many ways when both finally died, and given that this was some 60 years ago, they died at a much earlier age than our elders die in the America of today. She lived a sad life of martyrdom in my own personal opinion.
Realistically you are looking forward to many decades of caregiving if you cannot change what for you is dictated as being a part of normal life. That must be taken as choice, as the following of norms IS a choice. Those who step outside of strict cultural norms are shunned by their own community. It is tragic, imho, but it remains so.
I wish you the very best. You are speaking of things you well understand, and things about which you and your husband alone can make decisions.
The question sounds similar to "How do I cope with feelings of guilt/obligation and the circumstances that generate these feelings?" Please clarify if this isn't what you meant, but when worded this way it's easier to point some things out.
I don't think the goal is finding a coping mechanism for guilt/obligation but easing the feelings altogether. Coping mechanisms work great for managing behavior, but don't change the underlying feelings. To change the feelings, your best bet would probably be changing the environment that produces them.
EDIT: Changes in perception are another key player. That's mostly what's handled here to my knowledge (:
Accepting the circumstances is unrealistic if you are trying to ease the feelings. If you feel anxious about a glass sitting on the edge of the table, knowing it will fall and break if it's blown on, accepting that the glass is on the edge of the table will not reduce the anxiety. Moving the glass will. If the goal is easing the feelings, rejecting parts of the circumstances and attempting to change them can also change how you feel.
You probably already have an idea of sets of circumstances that would produce less feelings of guilt/obligation. I'm not going to go into specific scenarios since I only wanted to tackle the original question.
I hope this helps and wish you luck (:
Stop saying or thinking that yours was ever a great mother, or that you owe her anything special now. She really wasn’t so special, and you don’t owe her much – certainly not your life, your money or your marriage. Forget about any 'implicit expectations' she dropped on you when you were too young to understand the implications - see them for what they really were. Consider moving away, so that her only option is to get on with her own life. Drop the bomb, and look for cover!
Why does she feel entitled to be living in a neighborhood more expensive than you do? Or more importantly, why do you feel that she is entitled to more than you have?
Of course, your husband is going to feel ‘less than’ your mother. He deserves to be number one in your life.
I don’t care how much money that you make, if you keep spending it like there is no tomorrow, you will be sorry.
I can’t imagine doing this to my daughters. I want them to use their money for their own needs.
Please do yourself a favor and make an appointment with a therapist.
As for supporting your mother to the tune of $2,000 a month that is crazy. She needs to downsize or get a roommate.
Is your mother handicapped or just plain spoiled? Why do you do everything for her? Stop going there every weekend, spend the time with your husband before you lose him.
Guilt the buzz word of the 21st century, self-imposed thought process that is keeping you stuck.
Have a sit down with your mother, lay out your boundaries and stick to them.
You are only trapped because you do not have the backbone to stand up to her, this is you doing this to you.
Good Luck.
When I stood up for myself. Yes, she had a meltdown and that only showed me her true colors. What she really thought of me...nothing more that someone to use to get what she wanted. Push your guilt aside and stand up for yourself, your husband and the life you really want.