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My dear mom passed away almost one year ago at the age of 94. This happened after her suffering a mini stroke, then had to stay in 3 different assisted living homes during a 9 month period. At her last assisted living she was happy and making friends. I had taken over as her POA, and the assisted living home before the final one had insisted I select DNR on her records. I did not feel comfortable about it but they convinced me it was the best course of action given her advanced age. At her last (and best) assisted living, she suffered aUTI in early December 2023, recovered; then contracted Covid mid December 2023, but also recovered. Everything seemed well until 4-3-2024, when she suffered another mini stroke. The ER doctor was not as concerned about that as he was another UTI that she had with septic shock. Her heart was erratic and she was airlifted to a hospital 69 miles away. The ICU there treated her on the 3rd and on the 4th they asked whether she had a DNI since they saw the DNR on her records. I didn’t even know what this was but they explained it and insisted that I should put it on her records. I told them I wasn’t sure but they insisted and I allowed it. Then on the 5th, she improved and was moved upstairs to a regular patient room. I was very happy about that. However by 4-7 she was struggling and I was asked if they could put her on a respirator. I said yes and they did. It basically kept her alive but her organs were all failing. By the 10th they had me fill out Hospice paperwork and by the 13th it was suggested the respirator be removed. I agreed and she passed a few moments after with her family by her side. I rationally know that I did not cause her death but I can’t shake this horrible feeling that I was somehow at least partially responsible. It’s a horrible thing to have to make these type of decisions for someone you love. Has anyone else had this happen.

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It sounds like not only did you do her no harm, you were able to provide her with a comfortable and peaceful passing. It sounds like the kind of passing I would have paid anything to be able to have for my beloved dad when he died. Hugs, you did great.
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DesertRose7 Mar 31, 2025
Thank you for your kind response. I felt more at peace when I read it. Bless you.
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My dear let the guilt go. Your mother had lived a long life and was suffering.

You can’t tell me you would have felt better if she suffered another year or two.

Grief isn’t rational. Death comes for all of us and it’s ok for a dying 94 year old to die. There are worse things than dying and suffering at the end of a long life is one of them.

Her journey on earth was done.

Last year I had to remove my 57 year old brother from life support. He had cardiogenic shock (alcoholism a contributing factor). He was literally trying to die while on life support.

I have no guilt or grief about this. Although we had not discussed it, I don’t think anyone would want to live in a vegetative state, suffering, trying to die.

His journey was over and there was nothing any of us could do about that so I freed him from his dying earth body.
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DesertRose7 Mar 31, 2025
So sorry to hear about your brother. I’m sure that was extremely difficult, as were the decisions I had thrust on me regarding my mom. Your story helped me to see this in a better perspective. She was suffering, actually for several years before she had to go into the assisted living. I’m certain that she is at peace now. Thank you for your thoughtful response.
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My husband had to make the decision to remove his mother from life support due to advanced emphysema when she was 68 years old and in the hospital. He didn't end her life, chain smoking did. God took her Home to perfect peace and out of the agony she was suffering here on earth, and at a young age, too. My husband never questioned his decision, just mourned the loss of his mom.

I suggest you get some grief therapy because what you're allowing yourself to go thru isn't fair or just. You deserve peace.
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DesertRose7 Mar 31, 2025
Thank you for sharing your husband’s story. Hard choices but I understand the decision was for the best. I have been better where grief is concerned-better than after passed. I think it’s coming back to me now because I’m coming up on the 1 year anniversary of those horrible 10 days last year. I really expected her to pull through but I know it was her time and she lived a very long and happy life.
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The DNR and DNI orders did not kill your mom. Being 94 and in poor health did.

As far as I am concerned, DNR orders should be automatic, and people should have to sign a form to opt out. When the body is ready to shut down, hooking them up to 10 machines is generally not the best idea.
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DesertRose7 Apr 1, 2025
Thank you for your response. Your logic makes a lot of sense. When I posted my story I was overwhelmed by emotional thoughts but through all of these responses I am seeing this in a different light. Thank you for helping me to see the reality of this and to stop beating myself up over the medical decisions I had to make.
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May you receive peace in your heart as you grieve this loss and comfort to know you did your best on her behalf. No one gets to stay here forever.
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DesertRose7 Mar 31, 2025
Thank you for your thoughtful words. Logically, I know there were no other options, but emotionally I miss her and I guess I’m still grieving. Your words were very helpful.
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Your mother would NOT want you feeling guilty about anything pertaining to her death, as you did nothing wrong. Perhaps it is still grief you're feeling and understandably so as it's only been a year. People sadly often get the words guilt and grief mixed up, but it's important to call it was it truly is...grief.
Your mother had a lot of health issues going on and what a blessing that she got to leave this world for the next with her family by her side.
So yes, while the decisions you made for your mother were difficult, they were done with her best interests in mind and if she was here, she would say a big thank you for everything you did for her.
And I believe she would also tell you to let this go as she is now at peace and wants you to have peace as well.
God bless you.
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DesertRose7 Mar 31, 2025
God bless you, as well. I love your response and I do believe you are correct - these feelings I am having are most likely from grief. I know they will pass someday. In the meanwhile I try to remember how great a mom she was and all the good times. It helps. I know she’s at peace.
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DesertRose, your mother would not want you to be second-guessing and feeling anxiety and guilt. She would want you to be thinking of the years of positive and touching memories and being comforted by them. Live a happy life, in peace, in honor of her.
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DesertRose7 Mar 31, 2025
Thank you. And I agree. My mom was a wonderful and generous person before she became ill. I am her only child, so we were very close. I appreciate your wise words and will focus on all the good memories.
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Tears flowed as I read these posts. My mom (96) also passed almost a year ago. It's a big responsibility to make health care decisions for someone else. I knew my mom was ready to go...she did not have a good quality of life...but it was still hard. There is the woulda, coulda, shoulda... I thought doctors would be able to tell me beforehand that her conditions worsened. I thought my mom might just not wake up one morning...not that there would be a weeks long dying process.

My condolences on the loss of your mom. You both went through so much. With her continuing issues, it seems it was just her time.
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DesertRose7 Apr 1, 2025
My sincere condolences to you for your loss. Thank you for sharing what you and your mom went through. It seems that there is healing for our situation when we hear that others have gone through something similar with their loved one and that we are not alone in that turmoil of feelings we have from the experience. I like your expression “woulda, shoulda, coulda”. Doesn’t that truly sum up all the second guessing and doubts that keep flying through our minds. I do believe that it was simply her time and that God took her to a better place. Thank you for your encouraging words. Take care and God bless you.
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Just so sorry for your loss. Your mother died because she was in ill health and because she was 94. This was in no way because of any decision you did or didn’t make.

Yes It is very hard to make tough decisions for those we love. ((Hugs)).
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DesertRose7 Apr 1, 2025
Thank you for your kind response. After reading all of the responses, I am feeling better. I will always miss her but I know that it was just her time.
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DesertRose, Great big warm hug!!!

The 1st everything is terribly hard when losing someone we love.

You did great by and for your mom, she was blessed to have you, don't let the static of everything that happened in the end cause you to forget that.

You made hard decisions and I think we would all be very blessed to have someone that loves us making those decisions.
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DesertRose7 Apr 1, 2025
Thank you so much for your response. Your kind words are truly appreciated. I am feeling much more positive about the situation after reading all of these posts. I’m choosing to remember the good memories and not dwell on the bad.
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