My dear mom passed away almost one year ago at the age of 94. This happened after her suffering a mini stroke, then had to stay in 3 different assisted living homes during a 9 month period. At her last assisted living she was happy and making friends. I had taken over as her POA, and the assisted living home before the final one had insisted I select DNR on her records. I did not feel comfortable about it but they convinced me it was the best course of action given her advanced age. At her last (and best) assisted living, she suffered aUTI in early December 2023, recovered; then contracted Covid mid December 2023, but also recovered. Everything seemed well until 4-3-2024, when she suffered another mini stroke. The ER doctor was not as concerned about that as he was another UTI that she had with septic shock. Her heart was erratic and she was airlifted to a hospital 69 miles away. The ICU there treated her on the 3rd and on the 4th they asked whether she had a DNI since they saw the DNR on her records. I didn’t even know what this was but they explained it and insisted that I should put it on her records. I told them I wasn’t sure but they insisted and I allowed it. Then on the 5th, she improved and was moved upstairs to a regular patient room. I was very happy about that. However by 4-7 she was struggling and I was asked if they could put her on a respirator. I said yes and they did. It basically kept her alive but her organs were all failing. By the 10th they had me fill out Hospice paperwork and by the 13th it was suggested the respirator be removed. I agreed and she passed a few moments after with her family by her side. I rationally know that I did not cause her death but I can’t shake this horrible feeling that I was somehow at least partially responsible. It’s a horrible thing to have to make these type of decisions for someone you love. Has anyone else had this happen.
You can’t tell me you would have felt better if she suffered another year or two.
Grief isn’t rational. Death comes for all of us and it’s ok for a dying 94 year old to die. There are worse things than dying and suffering at the end of a long life is one of them.
Her journey on earth was done.
Last year I had to remove my 57 year old brother from life support. He had cardiogenic shock (alcoholism a contributing factor). He was literally trying to die while on life support.
I have no guilt or grief about this. Although we had not discussed it, I don’t think anyone would want to live in a vegetative state, suffering, trying to die.
His journey was over and there was nothing any of us could do about that so I freed him from his dying earth body.
I suggest you get some grief therapy because what you're allowing yourself to go thru isn't fair or just. You deserve peace.
As far as I am concerned, DNR orders should be automatic, and people should have to sign a form to opt out. When the body is ready to shut down, hooking them up to 10 machines is generally not the best idea.
Your mother had a lot of health issues going on and what a blessing that she got to leave this world for the next with her family by her side.
So yes, while the decisions you made for your mother were difficult, they were done with her best interests in mind and if she was here, she would say a big thank you for everything you did for her.
And I believe she would also tell you to let this go as she is now at peace and wants you to have peace as well.
God bless you.
My condolences on the loss of your mom. You both went through so much. With her continuing issues, it seems it was just her time.
Yes It is very hard to make tough decisions for those we love. ((Hugs)).
The 1st everything is terribly hard when losing someone we love.
You did great by and for your mom, she was blessed to have you, don't let the static of everything that happened in the end cause you to forget that.
You made hard decisions and I think we would all be very blessed to have someone that loves us making those decisions.