Our family wants to move out of state; mom doesn’t want to move.
Content alert: LGBTQIA+/ autism-friendly/allies only, please. My husband and I are 60+/- years old. I oversee the care of my 87-yr-old mother, who is in a nearby continuing care place. She has constant pain from severe arthritis, late-onset scoliosis, & inflammation from an immune disorder. She is incontinent and has IBS, high anxiety & mild OCD. In addition, we have young adult children in their 20s who still need guidance. Our eldest is on the autism spectrum & will likely live with us for a few more years until they can confidently live independently. We also have an LGBTQIA-identifying child who does not feel comfortable in our home state. My husband & I are finally at a place professionally when we could step back to part-time work and move. I have emotionally cared for my parents since I was 12; my only sibling is 6 years older and has lived abroad for 35 years. He visits occasionally & does his best to help my mom when here, but we have never been very close.My husband & I started talking about moving a few years ago, both for retirement & as a possibly improved situation for all our kids. In the meantime, both my husbands’ parents and my dad passed on. My remaining mom is introverted, a bit difficult (judgmental, passive-aggressive), but also in chronic pain, which I know is super-challenging. Now, my husband and I have found a house that is actually affordable - no small thing - in a New England state we prefer. But we would have to make an offer this week-even if we held off on moving until next spring. But. I finally got up my nerve to tell my mom last fall that we were “thinking about” the advantages of a move, and she gave me a line about “don’t worry about me,” “take care of your family,” yada yada; I didn’t believe a word of it. She totally depends on me. In a more recent visit, when I said we would be traveling for a week in order to check out a couple different states (before we found the house online) she said, “You’re not REALLY planning to move, are you?” And there it was. Always the emotional manipulation. I told her it wasn’t imminent but made no promises. Then she told me that she knows “it’s a difficult situation,” - meaning for our one LGBTQ kiddo. I feel like I am being forced to choose between my family and her. That’s a horrible feeling. I can tell my spouse and kids are getting angsty. Like so many women here, I am feeling resentful of my mom for what feels like her manipulating my adult life and choices for the umpteenth time while also feeling guilty about stressing her or possibly telling her that, yes, I’m sorry, but we feel it’s best if we move. (We don’t live in her “home” state; my parents followed me here when they retired.)I don’t presume that moving at 87 or 88 is easy; I do realize that. I know it isn’t in her best interests. I also didn’t create the current political and social environment that makes my kids uneasy to livewhere we do. I’m considering telling my mom that we’re moving in one year and just giving her the choice of staying here or letting us find a new, nice community for her in the new state. Is that cruel? Should my husband and I just wait it out not knowing how long that might be? We probably would if the political/social situation was different, but we have to face the reality of our situation. Our kids need supportive communities. Heck, my husband and I do, too! I absolutely hate feeling like I have to make a choice between my kids and my mother but my heart will always choose my kids. Advice appreciated.
I’m excited you found a house!
That is how it works. You take care of your children who take care of THEIR children who take care of THEIR children.
Think about it. If this were YOU would you not understand this move? Support it?
Of COURSE you would miss you child and grandchildren.
Of course you would be sad. And you should be able to be sad and to express that sadness without anyone "resenting" you for it.
Your mom has a choice few have. She can move to another community (if she is happy in her community with her current "family" I think the wiser choice would be to stay and have you visit).
Or she can move and you will assist her finding a new community.
This would be the "normal" way to go about things. Do understand that likely 50% of the population has no children living near to them.
In my own case I have a daughter who is three states away. That is the norm, and in many ways that is better for the children. I am 82. That is the way I expect this to continue. When I move into care I will do so in my own community and that will be my new "family".
You say you resent your mother for your feelings of discomfort in this. That isn't fair. You are responsible for your own feelings.
Not everything is 100% perfect in life. You are doing what you feel is best for your IMMEDIATE nuclear family. That is your right and your obligation. Will you be sad to be far away? Of course. Will she? Most naturally. Since when was life all about happy-all-the-time? That isn't how real life works at all.
Make your plans. Make your exciting new move. I hope it is all your family could wish for. It will be or it won't. But again, that's life. Best wishes to you all. Mom has her home and her community. She will be as OK as she can be given her disabilities and her age.
Tell mom ..."sorry I won't be able to visit as often. I will visit as much as I can once we get settled. You know that we can order anything you need and that the staff here will take care of you. If you change your mind and want to move we can look for a place near our new home"
Your children and husband come first.
And don't look back. Your mom will be just fine. She is NOT your responsibility, only your husband and children are.
Best wishes in doing what you feel is best for your immediate family(not your mom).
Give Mom the choice to stay or move near you to a facility . Ignore her guilt trips . You did not make Mom old or in need of care , you are guilty of nothing .
Don’t put your life on hold any longer . Keep looking at houses if you don’t get that one this weekend . It can take awhile to find a home these days . Move as soon as you find a suitable home .
DO NOT move Mom in with you , even temporarily . Mom can be moved to a facility after you’ve settled in and a bed opens up for her , should she choose to move . Perhaps not moving her right away ( having some distance ) will allow her to truly determine if she prefers to stay where she is or not once you have moved already .
It may be a good idea to hold off moving her until you're in your new community, anyway. Then you can join Nextdoor.com and post an ISO Recommendations for a good elder care facility. This will save you lots of effort doing first level research.
What level of care is your Mom currently in? IL? AL? LTC? If she's in LTC you may need to work out logistics of moving someone who may not be suited to fly or be driven. Would she need a medical transport?
FYI your spouse and kids are your first priority, not your Mom, and she's not equal priority, either. This doesn't mean you don't love her and care about her. But this proper priority is what will keep your marriage healthy and your mental and emotional health as well.
For now, stop talking to her about it if all she's going to do is poop on it. Change the subject, walk out, whatever it takes. In psychology this is called "extinguishing" a behavior. If you do it consistently (and never acknowledge her manipulating and inappropriate comments) she will get confused, then frustrated enough that she will actually voluntarily stop saying that crap to you. Are you sure she doesn't have the beginnings of dementia? She's certainly at an age where it can start. A broken filter is one of the more obvious symptoms.
You cannot be manipulated unless you allow it. I respectfully suggest you consider therapy so you can better identify boundaries and learn how to defend them.
I wish you all the best as you move to your new home state.
Talk through her own options with her. As she moved to be near you before, it's only fair to help her through this move as well.