Problems with parent getting old and sibling arguments. Any advice?
Hello,
This topic covers more than Burnout, but I filed it under burnout. Can anyone else relate to looking after an elderly parent and having problems with adult siblings?
Covid19 - caused issues, I was asking a family members to be careful and no visit the house during covid19 lockdowns, but they still came. People were asked not to visit elderly relatives that were more vulnerable. Instead, I was accused of being controlling. Currently there were no vaccines available. There were massive arguments, shouting, use of expletives directed at me, by one of my siblings.
My sister who visited my mother’s house regardless of Covid19 restrictions and top of it not following any of the precautions, she pretty much went about life as if there was no pandemic around my mother as well, this caused many arguments, My sister was not working because of Covid19 restrictions for a whole 2 years almost, I said, you should stay and help out with our elderly mother instead of going back and forth and increasing the chances of my mother getting the virus.
Instead, she decided to manipulate the situation and told my other brothers & sisters, that I was shouting and causing arguments, not letting her some to the house, so they started to gang up on me as well. This was happening while I was caring for my mother long before covid19 started and looking after all her mail, appointments, household, and general well-being. Needless to say, the situation got worse with my brothers getting involved. My sister manipulated the story at a time during peak covid19, having an elderly mother who is high up on the vulnerability list, and at the time there was no vaccines available; and she turned this into me being controlling and argumentative. She did not stop with just telling my brothers, she started telling everyone she spoke to get sympathy.
At the time I informed my sister after our mother had her vaccines, my mother would be able to get out more and do more things and be a lot safer. I was trying to stay by the advice especially for elderly people and protect my mother until a time she was fully vaccinated. All my siblings sided with her story for some illogical reason, other siblings are pretty much like back seat drivers as far as looking after my mother; and they could not see I was doing the right thing for my mother at this time when people were unsure, unclear, just how bad the virus was.
Today we know it was bad especially to the elderly generation. The relationship with all my siblings is now tarnished, I think for good, with the way they reacted to a very dangerous situation for my mother, with how my sister used other siblings to side with her and then gang up on me, and then with things said to me. I was on talking terms with my brothers before she spoke with them.
There was already some history with one of my brothers, and my sister knew that he would just be looking for any excuse start more trouble, she told her own version of the story, of why I was asking all people not to visit, this was government law too, not just me making it all up. Giving her incorrect version of events. I was asking her to either stay permanently or not making periodic visits during the covid19 peak period.
Outside of this. I am one of 6 siblings and over the last 5 years and long times in-between working, I stay with my mother after our father passed away. I did this because loneliness is terrible. The other 5 siblings just get on with their own lives, with occasional visits or occasional phone calls, they don't see the problem my mother has day to day, what she must suffer, all the help I provide. They think just by visiting her occasionally they have done a great service and help. The phone calls are once a month or more and some visit once a year if that.
After all I have done to help, protect my mother after my father, I am simply fed up, stressed.
Thank you to anyone that read this.
5 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- I really don’t want to visit mom for Christmas. Doing so causes my stress level to go up. What do I do?
- When does normalcy return after caregiving for so long?
- I already know I’m not a person who can care for my elderly mother. Am I a monster?
- I don't want to visit my mom in assisted living anymore. Has anyone decided to have no or low contact with their toxic elderly parent at this late stage in the game?
I apologize I made bit of a hash of using the reply on this portal (sorry about the duplication), it's because when I initially posted a reply I did not see my reply appear, so I tried again.
I was looking for a way of adding to my original post, but didn't know how, so I'm using the answer, to effectively add to my own topic or reply-all. I hope this is ok.
It's really good to get support from people that understand, it makes a big difference, just to have other people hear you, relate, get things out of the mind and type it out. I felt I rushed the typing, with mistakes, but I was so desperate to get it all out, you could say I was typing as if I was sending out an urgent SOS. My mind was ten paces ahead of the type.
I think with most problems people are facing it will be the mental anguish that's the really painful part, the circumstances of the all problems are all different, but the mental anguish is always there in one form or another, in various degrees of severity.
For me I am happy to be looking after my mother, I'm glad I have my mother in the world. However, anyone that's looked after, cared for someone for a long time know this can be challenging and at times stressful, draining. For me, I have this to cope with, plus my other siblings that have made it immensely more difficult on top of a job that's already demanding. It's ironic they called the covid19 restrictions, "lockdowns", because that's the way I feel, locked-in psychologically. It's the little mental escapes, moments of peace, that have kept it together for me this long. We all need these mental escapes, all of us.
As I think about the future, I think of an alternate future, what it could have been like. The joy it could have been to share stories with my other siblings. Instead because of historical grievances with siblings and the problems that have occurred in the last 3 years, this future will not be part of my life for reasons I discussed previously. Instead it will have to be a future trying to gain inner peace again.
This appears to be a caring/supportive forum. I will read other people's posts and respond to be supportive where I can. I hope a my future update on all this will be a happier one.
Love & Peace.
I apologize I made bit of a hash of using the reply on this portal (sorry about the duplication), it's because when I initially posted a reply I did not see my reply appear, so I tried again.
I was looking for a way of adding to my original post, but didn't know how, so I'm using the answer, to effectively add to my own topic or reply-all. I hope this is ok.
It's really good to get support from people that understand, it makes a big difference, just to have other people hear you, relate, get things out of the mind and type it out. I felt I rushed the typing, with mistakes, but I was so desperate to get it all out, you could say I was typing as if I was sending out an urgent SOS. My mind was ten paces ahead of the type.
I think with most problems people are facing it will be the mental anguish that's the really painful part, the circumstances of the all problems are all different, but the mental anguish is always there in one form or another, in various degrees of severity.
For me I am happy to be looking after my mother, I'm glad I have my mother in the world. However, anyone that's looked after, cared for someone for a long time know this can be challenging and at times stressful, draining. For me, I have this to cope with, plus my other siblings that have made it immensely more difficult on top of a job that's already demanding. It's ironic they called the covid19 restrictions, "lockdowns", because that's the way I feel, locked-in psychologically. It's the little mental escapes, moments of peace, that have kept it together for me this long. We all need these mental escapes, all of us.
As I think about the future, I think of an alternate future, what it could have been like. The joy it could have been to share stories with my other siblings. Instead because of historical grievances with siblings and the problems that have occurred in the last 3 years, this future will not be part of my life for reasons I discussed previously. Instead it will have to be a future trying to gain inner peace again.
This appears to be a caring/supportive forum. I will read other people's posts and respond to be supportive where I can. I hope a my future update on all this will be a happier one.
Love & Peace.
You do what you need to do for you. When all is said and done, you will know you did your best and you will have no guilt. No matter how many mistakes you feel you may have made, have no guilt. You were the one that was there for Mom.
In the past I tried to get my siblings involved, especially around covid19, I explained why I was doing things, I elaborately explained things to them, didn't want to listen, but because of other historical grievances with some siblings, of which I could start plenty more topics about those. All involvement to explain goes around in circles, with old grievances being brought back, just ends up in more arguments. When people are have a mindset of wanting to be right all the time and only wanting to protect their ego, instead of listening to facts.
The problems that surfaced around covid19 were mainly due to my sister, twisting things I said to her, being manipulating to get what she wanted, so much so she used my other two brothers against me, by giving a different version of what I was saying to her, to them, she played the victim. I was on good talking terms with my brothers, before her conversations with them, but I had historical grievances with my brothers. One of the brothers always looking for another reason to get at me, for something that happened when my father was still with us. I am not happy with the lack of involvement from other siblings they've given no support to my mother in her old age, so on that basis alone I do not talk to them any more, in the past I've tried numerous times in numerous different ways to ask them to do more, visit more, even my mother has told them the same, they simply do not listen and get on with their own lives. One sister visits maybe once a year, if that, doesn't ever phone my mother, my mother has to make the initial phone call and then find she is never available. I have another sister that does pretty much the same.
Your experience with your mom sounds very hard too. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been over the years. Your Nephew did a great job caring for your mom.
thank you, and you supportive word are comforting to hear.
Turn it back on them. "So, you think I am controlling and you can do a better job, I will step back and let you care for Mom. And if Mom is now saying your controlling, I would definitely step back. She has 5 other children. Tell her after the holidays you are taking a break. That if she needs anything, she has 5 other children to call on.
Your efforts are unappreciated. They will not see how bad Mom is until they have to be there for her.
When my mother was flying back from travelling from a lockdown abroad to local lockdown, my brother who lives just minutes from the airport would not pick my our mother up from the airport, reason: oh no, I've been asked to shield, my other brother, when asked if he could go, oh, no I can't I'm vulnerable with all the diabetes I have. So they knew all the potential dangers, but when I wanted to prevent them (brother's and sister's) from visiting my mother during lockdowns at a time when there were no vaccines available, then it was not me protecting my mother, but to them that was me being controlling, ridiculous...
The advice you received from a friend is good advice and it's very true. I had a friend say the same to me. My friend said, enjoy the times with your mother, cherish them. She knows because she misses her mother and had this to share with me, she talks to me about all the thing they did together. Thank you for sharing that with me too.
I'm glad you took the therapy for validation. We need to talk, we need other people.
I also agree with you about being strong when being emotionally abused and there times when we need to draw the line and say I won't be treated like this anymore. My siblings if they wanted to move heaven and earth to make amends they could have used every method possible to try to do so, they didn't, because they're more interested making me feel bad, turning things around to make it a problem with me. I've had it with all that. My life, even though it's sad to draw the line with brother's and sister's, it's a better than forgiving them again, and thinking there'll be a next time and the next time; besides after all that has happened already, it would a trustless and very superficial relationship, if there was one. Plus I could never stop thinking that they could have helped care for my mother more, share the responsibility as siblings.
Nice to chat. feel free chat again.