I would like some opinions on a question I have. My mother passed away two weeks ago and my husband and myself were her caregivers she lived alone and we did everything for her so she could stay in her own home all appts grocery shopping ect. My sisters (I have three) came two to three times a year. One of those sisters called every day and talked to her, the other called her on Sunday night. Both of those sisters were nice to her and treated her well. The last sister hadn’t seen her for three years and actually had told her last summer she was a horrible mother after learning I had received the house. The question is, my mother had me on a bank account as co-owner, would you share this money with both of the nice sisters or all three even the mean one? Oh also the mean sister tried to get my mom to send her a big check after she told her off which she didn’t. They are already sharing in a life insurance settlement and a small account. What would you do? Thanks much.
As DPOA, my name was on one checking account with my mother - I took care of all of her bills, all her finances actually - and it was also on a hefty savings account for ease of beefing up that checking account - along with her “fun money” checking account for when they ran low.
I was also the executor of my mothers estate when she passed away. My mothers will stated there was to be an equal three way split of her estate. One of the first things I did was to close the savings account and obtain three equal cashiers checks for my brothers and myself - as this account was now “mine” and it was not necessary to probate.
The checking account was the absolute last thing I liquidated. I paid all the estate/probate costs from this account. This was an accidental stroke of genius as since the money in the checking account was “mine” I did not have to keep any of the tediously detailed records needed by the probate court regarding the estate expenses i.e. attorney fees, accountant fees, taxes etc. However, I did keep notes regarding the spending from this checking account as of course - the money was actually my mothers and upon her death 2/3’s belonged to my brothers. After everything was completed with the probate court and the estate - I closed out the remaining balance in this checking account again by way of three equal cashiers checks.
During the the last few years of my mothers life she continually threatened to cut the do-nothing brother out of her will - she had gone as far as actually making an appointment with her attorney a couple of times. I was the one - every single time - who would talk her out of it. After a while her significant dementia made the whole issue a mute point.
So - in the end, I could have NOT
included the one brother in the division of the bank account monies. For that matter - I could have let mom eliminated him from the will altogether, turning my own inheritance from 1/3 into 1/2 of what was a very decent sized chunk of change.
So, why didn’t I? The first reason was our father. My father had passed away four years before our mother - leaving everything to her. However, this was done with the understanding that upon her passing everything would be left to their three children equally. This was very important to my dad. Daddy was fully aware that my brother held some ill will towards them. It made my dad sad but even more determined that any inheritance was to be shared equally by his children. I knew it, my mom knew it - and mom knew I knew it and that I would make sure my fathers intentions were honored. One way or another.
The other reason. One day, about a year before my mothers death, much to my surprise I ran into my brother and his family visiting my mom in rehab. He and I had gone out into the hall to talk about our moms condition. He started stammering around trying to both explain and apologize for his lack of participation in our mothers care. His lack in helping me, more the point - but his reasons why - why his distancing from our parents. He didn’t need to explain - I knew why. We had a crap childhood. Very difficult - and dealing with our mother would remain difficult our entire lives. So when my brother started talking about his being aware there was a good chance he’d be disinherited - I cut him off by saying “We all grew up in that house”. My brother knew this meant I’d make sure he would receive his equal share.
This is a long way to say - personally, for me - it’s not about a portion of time but about the relationship as a whole. And, I do not think that wills should be used as a tool to reward or punish what amounts to a small fraction of time in a entire life’s relationship.
But that’s just me. Your decision must be your own - but remember, you’ll have to live with this choice and any possible repercussions - between all of the sisters.
if your Mom wanted that money to be shared, she would have made that wish known.
first, I would make sure that all of Moms accounts are settled, funeral services paid and done. Then reassess the situation....you don’t need to make decisions now.
My Mom had made it clear that she wanted my brother to have nothing. That made me very uncomfortable...but after his performance before and after her funeral....He proved her judgement right. Wait, this isn’t over yet.
First of all the money is yours now. If you want to share it you cannot go over a certain amount per person without paying a gift tax ($15k I believe).
We waited until the estate, funeral, and other expenses were settled. It is much simpler if you do not take expenses from the estate. I have done parent's estates with and without a joint account, it is much easier with a bank account to use.
Settling an estate can cost a lot in lost work, travel, notaries, even special deliveries and other miscellaneous expenses.
Pay yourself from this account. An executor can take from the estate, but it is a whole lot easier to write a check than front the money and ask for reimbursement later. Also you are a lot less likely to forget any cash outlays you make.
If you are selling her home that task will have expenses also.
When the dust settles and the estate is complete (we used an elder attorney), then whatever is left can be split.
We gifted the money to the remaining children and grandchildren. It took us three years to split the money because of the gift tax.
We feel good about how we handled this, and it went pretty smoothly. We explained what we were doing to everyone, but did not share the balance until the estate was settled. A lot of people do not seem to understand that being an executor is more of a job than an honor.
If no, then as a co-owner (actually now the owner) it's yours. Do what your conscience tells you. (Others on this fabulous forum may have other ideas.)
I'm sorry for your loss, Leelab74.
I am the ONLY caregiver for my mother out of 5 kids. It is like pulling teeth to get any help. When I ask, one will call the others to find out what they plan to do to help. It's like it's ok for me to do it 100% of the time, but if I say I want a week off for a vacation or want to go to my own house once or twice a year it becomes an 'everyone needs to help'. When they visit, it's common to hear about visits to their weekend properties, weekends at the lake with friends, all the help they are providing to their in-laws. My mother is 100% mentally sharp. She catches on to what they say and so do I.
I say all this because I could easily justify snatching up everything and just calling them all the mean siblings. They are politically opposite and with the current atmosphere of politics I see such nasty comments made because it has become acceptable to just vomit out things that have absolutely no truth (but they read it on Facebook, so it must be true). They usually bring up something knowing I would not agree or that I do not want certain words said. I can be around them at times and realize we are connected by blood - raised with same values, yet I doubt if I had just met them on the street we would have ever become life long friends.
Yet, in the end, when all the material details of my mother's life have to be sorted out, I know that I will make sure that each of them get an equal share of whatever is left. I do that because, my mother loves each one of us even though the relationships were not the same with each of us. Do the right thing.
Your mom gave you her house and did not include her other children. That, it seems, showed how much she appreciated you.
But it's such a personal choice... do what you feel is right in your heart.
Mom is extremely hard work, very very stressful, and I sacrificed my LIFE for her as I am her sole life support. Every step she takes she is nearly falling even with a walker. My life is a living nightmare. I dread falling asleep knowing it will start over again so I often lack sleep; waking up in the morning fills me with dread and horror knowing I have another day of gut-wrenching stress to deal with. Anxiety and depression are my closest companions; I know them well.
My brothers are not getting anything. If they want to take me to court then let them because I will turn around and sue them and BILL them for all those years of rendered service and I got NO HELP from them.
If you want to split the money, that's your decision. Bottom line the account is now yours and if you received no help from your siblings I would not give them a cent.
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