My mom died yesterday. While she was in assisted living, I spent much of last year with her, thinking about her, answering her phone calls, taking her places, having a good time. I even moved cross country to be close to her. All I can think about now are the times I lost patience with her and said unkind things. I know she appreciated our times together and said she enjoyed my company, love me, was proud of me, but honestly, I think today that I could have, should have done more.
you worked hard to help your mother, be kind to yourself..
When these thoughts creep into my mind, I usually cry for a bit. But then I remind myself that I'm not perfect and I know deep down I did the absolute best I could. There were way more good times than bad and I force myself to think of those. Plus I know mom was a forgiving person. The times that I failed her or was a bit selfish, I know she would never hold anything against me. She never did when she was alive.
Looking back it is normal to think you could have done better or more of whatever but that is not fair to you. You are not remembering all the emotions and stress and daily struggles you were going through back then. Right now you are missing your Mom and I am sure your thinking is skewed. I mean, I am sure you are going through a lot and, well, just give yourself a break. You are human. A good , caring , loving and flawed human.
Blessings and hugs,
Mishka
I want to mention something about guilt, it is anger turned inward. You are angry but you can not bare to express that anger because your brain says it is inappropriate to do so because it is about your parent and/or they are deceased. You maybe angry because you have doubt that you did enough, that you do not believe you really said to them how much you loved them by deed, action or talk, that you made them proud, or any of the thousands other thoughts that go through your head while you say your good-byes. I had those same thoughts.
Forgive yourself for anything that you feel you might have not done enough for your mother and take her at her word. She was happy. She did love you and she did appreciate all of that time that you spent with her up to when it was her time to go. If you do not do this and take her at her word, you will torture yourself needlessly. Trust that you did everything that you could in the time you had. Could you have done more, of course you could and so would we all if we knew what that magic date was when our time was going to be up. However, we do not know, and we do the best we can in the time we have and you would be surprised that most people do not think as badly of us as we think they do. We are much better people than we ever think we are and as long as we act like we wish to be treated it will always be that way. Every time you start to think of what you did not do with your mother, stop and switch to a happy memory. I bet you have more happy memories that you will have things that you do not feel like you crossed off her bucket list. I only have one item that I did not get to on dad's bucket list and I do not think he minded that much.
I know how hard this is for you and I wish I could say just the right thing to you to make you feel better but I really can't . You know when I saw my Mom dying in the hospital it made me think about my own life and how I should try to live it better. My mom was such a good, kind soul and she had nothing to regret in the way she lived her life. I wish I could say the same. I know I've made mistakes along the way.
Just try to live your life in a way that honors your Father. I don't know if you are a person of faith or not but I will pray for you.
It sounds like you did quite a lot for her when she was alive. And that can lead to caregiver burnout. And during a burnout, you can get snappy. Again, you're only human not some perfect saint. You have to learn to forgive yourself. Remind yourself of all the sacrifices you did in order to keep her comfortable. If you want to, write in a journal all the positive things you did for her. And read it whenever you start to feel guilty.
I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its really hard. I know none of us have perfect relationships with our parents. We all want to go back in time and do something different. My father also suffered a stroke. I can't tell you how deeply I regret the last year of his life. So many things I wished I had done differently.
It will be hard but like Stchaos said, you did the very best you could under the circumstances. You tried and tried and tried, I can certainly hear that. Try to be kind and gentle with yourself.
Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.
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