My mother has lived in an extremely cluttered and dirty old mobile home for 21 yrs. Before you ask, she won't let me touch anything. We’ve argued over it for years.
Since December of 2023, she has fallen and fractured an ankle in 3 places, fallen twice more and broken a hip. This past Christmas Eve, she suffered a ruptured aortic aneurysm. All required hospital and skilled nursing stays. Everyone, including her doctor, recommended assisted living. She refused.
I was recently able to talk her into going to stay with some friends of mine to get stronger. I have had my own heart issue last year and appealed to her kinder side, saying that worrying about her and what we'd been through this last year was adding undue stress that could be detrimental.
I looked at a handful of adult family homes and settled on the one that she agreed to go to. She thoroughly intends to go home, but that isn't going to happen. Her poor body (also extreme RA in her hands and feet) she can walk with a walker, but only with support and a wheelchair behind.
She will never get stronger. Her poor little body has just been through too much. Her home is NOT conducive to any walker. Everyone but her knows this. I am going to have to do away with the junk pile. It hurts my heart to hear her talk about going home. I just say, "uh huh."
How do I tell her at some point she's home to stay and that her mobile is, and/or will be going away? I will, of course, find all family moments and be compassionate (I am POA and POD). The home is in really bad shape and, aside from the functioning furnace, water heater, and a couple appliances, it should be dismantled.
I feel terrible for tricking her into her current stay, but she's being treated like a queen and I couldn't be happier that she appears content, for the time being anyway.
Please do your mom the dignity to let her know that she cannot go home any longer, that this is home for her now, that you understand that this hurts her to the depths of her soul and that it pains you that she is in despair about this.
That's IT. Listen to her. Don't deny. Don't delay. Don't negate her pain.
This is the last loss until the loss of mind and life.
Why is this not worth mourning?
Why is this not worth our sympathy, our hugs, our tears?
And most of all, why is this woman not worthy of honesty?
Will she cry. Yes. Almost certainly.
If you wish, ask her if the two of you can discuss with her doc a mild antidepressant to see if that might help her at all. Tell her you know it is a band aid for the wounds of aging. But it's all you got.
I know the poster just said "clutter", but when clutter cannot be touched despite the health implications, then the person accumulating it has a hoarding mental health issue. My stepdad can't deal with the loss of any of his junk - he doesn't have any significant cognitive issues, but his mental health is fragile.
Personally, I'd wait awhile before deciding to be completely honest. It's possible that distance and time will make it easier for the mum to deal with the loss of her things, so that she doesn't fall into a deep depression.
Besides, the doctor saying that she isn't able to go back to an unsafe environment would be truthful.
And make sure that her doctor and you are on the same page.
I'm glad you found a nice place for her to live that you and your mom are both happy with.
Your post seems to be your wanting mom’s blessing that this plan to stay in the care home is best. That you need that blessing, that agreement, more than she needs the idea that she might go home one day. Is that it? I’m trying to understand your motivation.
Your mom sounds amazing to be walking at all with the injuries she’s had and perhaps still in pain. So she’s not refusing to participate and is cooperative and clearly needs the help. No doubt about any of that. You are doing what must be done and she is on board. What isn’t clear is just how hard this news will hit at this stage of her decline.
”Be it ever so humble, there is no place like home” quaint but never truer words were spoken.
Your mom is not concerned about safety. There is no safe place when death is near. Doubtful she was concerned with cleanliness or clutter. So I don’t think that will help you much in convincing mom. Maybe everyone else, but not mom.
She is concerned with you and the hard truth of a child’s mortality will motivate most mothers to sacrifice even their most prized comfort. You’ve already used that and it has worked so far.
So, I wouldn’t try to convince her of anything. Only show her that she is loved and not forgotten. Although, your very prescence might disturb her once she thinks her job is to convince you that she should go home. We see a lot of that on the forum. So be prepared for that. Maybe you are already there with her?
If your mom doesn’t have dementia, she will figure it out for herself that she isn’t going home. Even with dementia, she will most likely have moments of clarity and wonder where she is and why she is there and what happened to her home. Not that she would remember her home was gone or the conversation you are contemplating. Although shocking events do seem to linger.
Hope is a hard thing to lose. If one has to continue to live once health has gone, then to do it on one’s own terms is a prize almost unheard of these days. Drugs are a poor substitute but can help the patient present/remain “content”.
Do let us know how it goes. The only person I had to place had enough dementia to make life a bit softer on these type decisions. I will never forget the moments I knew that she realized what her life had become. I would have put those off forever if I could have. But all those sad thoughts lead back to remembering that when the heart is still pumping long past the body’s ability to perform ADLs we have to say good bye to luxuries like our own little mobile.
Ellen Langer says when we need to make a difficult choice, we can only presume that the choice we didn’t take would have been better. We have to manage the decisions we do make regardless of what they are.
If you're spending it so that your mum can be in the best place possible, then you may need to lower your expectations and standards.
In this situation, you can't aim for perfect, just good enough.
My aunt had a water damaged trailer, and the only thing keeping us from stepping through the floor was the carpet.
You are keeping her healthy by having her moved out of it.
Tell her it is unfit for habitation, and get rid of it.
If or when she gets upset, mad, or anger, realize this is a woman who is frightened and who is losing or lost her independence. Her reaction is fear.
And yes, she may get mad at you. You are in the line of fire, being close to her. This is a natural response. Learn that it is not only okay for her to 'express' her feelings, it is healthy. Learn to have an emotional shield protecting her from her wrath.
When these moments happen, leave for a few minutes (to an hour or the rest of the day) to re-compose yourself emotionally. You already know she is in good hands. How fortunate you are for this care she is receiving.
Take a moment at a time.
Do not future trip.
You can continue to tell her it is temperary.
It is okay to tell her what will keep her as calm and 'happy' as possible.
That she is now being treated like a queen - is something I almost never hear on this site. Your mom is very fortunate, indeed.
Let her talk and think as she wishes. Mostly, enjoy her.
Learn to communicate with reflective listening.
If you get stuck with anything / her questions / anger ... say:
That's a good idea, I'll think about it"
I don't know ... I'll check into it.
You can always deflect 'blame' medical provider. S/he says ...
In other words, you leave the door open to HOPE. It is all she has, and lucky for her, she has you, too. Perhaps in time, she will adjust and make some friends.
* If / as possible, ease her into dining room meals - if she is able to get there.
* Bring / play music ... portable DVDs and CD players are very nice if she might be open to these things.
Gena / Touch Matters
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