Mom wants to be with me 24/7 and is fantastic at the guilt thing. She doesn't want me going anywhere without her (she lives with me), doesn't want to spend her money on help. I want my life with my husband back but she just doesn't understand. She says she does and then is VERY upset if we go anywhere without her. I honestly can't stand this anymore. She's very controlling yet has alzheimers. Sometimes I just wish it would get worse so she didn't even know me anymore and I could put her in a nursing home. Right now I can't as it's her biggest fear. I'm tired (work fulltime and take care of my disabled hubby) but I want private time with him. Even going to the movies makes her unhappy being alone for 2 hours. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and no one in the family even calls anymore. I'm very very alone other than hubby and he's had it too with her making me feel guilty and sad. My depression is very bad right now but i can't even find time for a psychologist to go to. Not a free minute in my day. HELP
Good luck to you!
How can your mother refuse to let you go out? Other people can buy you tickets for a guilt trip, but you are in control of whether to go or not. Or you should be. If you need help with that, see a counselor. See a counselor even if Mother doesn't want you to be gone regularly.
If she really needs 24/7 care, she is in the wrong place. She needs a placement where they have a night shift, and enough staff to spell each other for breaks. If she is well enough to live in your home, she needs to be able to stay on her own for reasonable periods. If this isn't possible, then she needs either to go somewhere else or to pay for assistance to come into the home.
What is she saving her money for? Has Alz made her forget we can't take it with us?
Maybe dementia has made her incapable of making decisions in her own best interest. Just as your daughter could pick out what to where to kindergarten but not do the menu planning at 5, there may be some decisions you have to take over for your mother, for her sake.
Figure out the boundaries. Lay it out for Mom in terms she can understand. Here is how we can keep you here with us: 1, 2, 3. Spell out the help that has to be available. Spell out your expectation to be able to go out, by yourself, and with your husband. Tell her what has to happen financially. Repeat as necessary. Be firm and kind.
You don't have to wait until she doesn't know you to place her in a long term care facility. Try keeping her with you with some in-home help and some boundaries, while you are getting some counselling. Work at it. And know that if you can't make it work there are alternatives. Really.
I am in the exact same place as you with my Mom ... I'm at my wits end as well ... and I'm on my own with dealing with her. I know that I have to find a way to have some time to myself WITHOUT the guilt from her affecting me ... I'm just beginning to think about how to do that too.
No advice here ... just great big ears that hear your cry.
It's easy to give advice, I know, when it's not in your lap! But I do understand how valuable the time you spend with your husband can be, and you need that for yourself. You'll be making the right decision when you are seeking a balanced approach to loving and caring for your mom. If the scale tips too far in her direction, you yourself are off balance, and it hurts both you and your family when mom gets the lion's share of resources, care, and attention.
B, you just have to put your foot down. My dad died a year ago yesterday and he catered to every sneeze my mom had. She was spoiled rotten. I'm thankful that the hospice people pointed that out to me, otherwise I would be living a guilt ridden life.
Sometimes, it just takes a person from the outside to see how you live. That's what changed it for me.
Tough love kiddo. Tell your mom you're dying inside because you're not present in life. Do you really want that for me mom?!
Is assisted living a possibility? You sound like where I was six months ago. My life was miserable when my mom lived with us. I don't know where I found the courage to get her into AL, but I did. I thank my dad for my strength with her actually. :)
Wanting to figure out how to get some time to oneself is not dwelling on the negative. Trying to balance the conflicting needs of two loved ones is not about me, me, me.
I hope you didn't mean to, but you certainly came across as very judgmental. Where is the love in that?
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