Hello everyone,
I am not sure where to post this.
I am a mental health provider but don't have experience with senior citizens. I have barely enough energy for the job itself. I work with what I will say is a very special population, many with BPD. I exercise LC/NC with my 90-year-old MIL because she is so toxic and makes the little time we spend together worse than it needs to be. She has ruined holidays and gatherings and walks away like she's the victim each time. I am sure my MIL has NPD and BPD. About a year ago our local office of the aging assessed her for services and deemed her to have mild dementia. Despite this mild dementia, she later requested her case be closed and they have not really bothered with her since.
Yesterday I was enjoying a self-care Sunday and was about to doze off when I heard someone trying to get in through the patio door and then banging on the door (keep in mind I am also recovering from a mild procedure and a nasty eye infection from a bug bite). MIL had a lady drive her to my house while my husband was at work. The lady simply said, "you can drive her home" and left quickly. MIL proceeded to walk into my home, looking for people as she believed I had my adult daughters over for a party (they are not her bio grandchildren and she made sure to remind me and them of that throughout the years). When she saw no one was in my home she asked if we could have dinner out. I had already eaten and told her this, but she proceeded to grill me as if I lied ("what time did you eat?"). She asked if we could go out for ice cream. I have a severe gluten allergy, but she seems to think I lie about this too, despite anaphylaxis episodes. She asked me to drive her home and I did. During the ride there were confabulations among other things. I don't argue with her, I don't see the point. She gave me an apology which was not authentic. She then asked me if I accepted the apology (part of her drama). I simply told her she does whatever she wants to do and she seemed annoyed by this. In the beginning, I had a lot of patience with her and was good to her but over time I got the see and experience the BPD and NPD. I could do nothing wrong but was always a horrible person in her eyes and my coping skill was to take a step back.
I am not even sure what to do here. I know she needs some type of assistance but don't feel our aging office is helpful. I question her ADLs because when she arrived unannounced, she had strong body odor. My husband checks in on her almost daily and that isn't enough for her. She treats him like he owes her everything and continues to try and strongarm her way into moving into our home. She entertains the idea of staying here on weekends with me.
She attends daily senior center where there are meals and activities and has earned herself a reputation as being "opinionated". She feels the need to point out people's flaws, insults people, and then walks away wondering what THEIR problem is. To hear her tell stories about events is almost funny because she doesn't see that the problem was and is HER. The program operates weekdays which is why she entertains being with me on weekends.
I am venting but also asking if there is anything that can be done here? I am sure she would benefit from case management, home health aide etc. but she refuses to see a doctor and hasn't seen one in quite some time. Her belief is that "doctors butcher people".
Thank you!
"anything that can be done here?"
Of course a Sunday relaxing with a angry lady banging & bellowing at your locked door will probably kill your peace too...
Well you can't fix old age. Can't fix stubborn or opinionated. Can't lead a horse to water (or make people accept elder home care services).
Your experience with mental health will serve you very well. People have the right to make decisions - good or bad. Until deemed unable to make decisions for themselves (with a court order, a neuro-psych ax or other such stringent measures).
Have *The Right to Rot*.
Starting the chats with your DH is advisable. Discuss what/how/when you both help MIL. For you maybe it will not even be what/how but IF.
When she turns up again, tell her plainly you would appreciate & expect a call first before visiting - you do the same for her. That this is inconvenient as you have to (insert something). Offer a glass of water & a ride to a bus stop or call her a cab home.
If she turns up again & is not OK, eg very confused to day/time, who you are, where she is, call EMS.
Her "story" to my husband was this neighbor saw her walking along and asked if she wanted a ride and somehow the neighbor just happened to be in my neighborhood.
I'm sorry you don't feel the Area Agency is of much help, because normally I'd suggest you contact them anyway, if only to put an incident on record. But this time there isn't much to say. 90 year old lady drops in unannounced at her son's house, in social hours, nobody hurt - what's to report? Bad manners?
What did your DH say about this?
DH spoke to her but in her usual fashion she downplayed her part and upped my part. When you say no or you don't give in to her you are a bad person. At the end of the day it is his mother and I know he wants to believe her lies and still try to win her approval.
I agree though that we need to have a little chat with this person. God only knows what she told her to make her drive her over. I am sure it was we are having a party and didnt invite her. This has been something she has done for years. Every so often she forgets who she is talking to and will say to me how I didn't invite her to a party that we didnt have. Always the left out nonsense. Perhaps is she wasnt so mean and nasty to me for 25 years our relationship could have been different. My son, her bio grandson, wants nothing to do with her and it is sad but again, in her eyes she is perfect and there is something wrong with him.
MIL is a miserable person who wants others to be a part of her misery
My father had a friend like this. Although she had good points, she was completely impossible. Her son lived on the other side of the country from her. I could see why.
Funny you mention that about your father's friend. Early in our marriage we lived on the other side of the U.S. and she would take busses out their, start up a bunch of drama and then leave in an even more dramatic fashion.
It is a memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple.
You already know, given your profession that there is no answer to Mom but the boundaries you make now for your own life.
As to "she entertains ideas of spending weekends with you". Ummmmmmmmmmmm. No. One word. Full stop.
It is always easier to have boundaries, ideas, options for OTHERS to use, than to find them with our own families. But at least you have "experience" and you are able to know without anyone pushing, that you may need to get therapy for you.
Mom isn't going to change.
Allowing someone to drive her up to your house? Nope. That person needs to be told never to do such a thing again. And Mom needs to be told the same.
I wish you well. Sorry you have such a difficult situation here with Mom but with the aging process I know that you are aware it won't be getting better at all, and you will need to learn to manage it without sacrificing your own life on an altar that will not help YOU or your Mom either.
This is MIL, not my Mom. Unfortunately my Mom passed away at 69. It kills me because she was happy and supportive. Much unlike MIL.
I am assuming DH does not want Mom living with you either. That's a good thing. There are some posters where husband brings Mom home expecting the wife to do all the caring.
Boundries, set those boundries. When she showed up you should have told the friend you were having a "me" day and wanted no visitors. And told MIL she should have called first.
There is a book, Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter says its interesting reading.
People have told me it will take an emergency situation for MIL to get the help she needs. She is something. So obnoxious.
Hubby entertained thoughts of moving her in over the years. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I would leave and it finally sunk in. There was a period of time when he thought we could make her an apartment downstairs but I told him she would still overstep boundaries. It wouldn't stop her.
Thank you for your support.
Next time she shows up, tell the person who brought her that you are not able to have visitors right then, and that they will have to take MIL home.
Her version of events to my husband was that her neighbor gave her a ride and happened to be coming to our neighborhood so she took her for a ride and she told the neighbor that we live here. MILs stories are always so sweet and innocent and things always seem to "happen". The coincidence doesn't explain the neighbor being rude to me but I know that was from the lies MIL told. She loves to badmouth us to anyone who listens. And her version of events ended with me being nasty. Yes I was nasty. I told her she does whatever she wants to do and doesn't care.