Should you tell an Alzheimer's patient that you are moving them into a nursing facility?

I say - do what works! If it doesn't, try something else.

Please share what I'm about to tell you with EVERYONE who is considering placing ANYONE you claim to care about BEFORE deciding to put your LO in a nursing home:
I have worked in several of them as a LPN/LVN. 1ST: I was passing meds one night and heard a weak and panicked woman's voice crying out "Help. Help. Help.", over and over. An orderly walked by her room (about 3 rooms away from me), looked in and said, "I'm sorry. I'm not your nurse." and kept walking. The cries continued so I locked up the med cart and went to her room. This poor woman was FALLING OUT OF BED desperately hanging on to her bedrail. I had that person fired.
2nd: Say your working night shift (11Pm-7AM); ANY PT that was incontinent either their bladder, bowels or both messes their body and the pad underneath them. It's 4AM. The CNA's just put another pad under the patients, did not clean them up and said that the day shift would be coming in a few hrs and THEY would bathe the poor soul and change the bedding so they felt it was a WASTE OF TIME to clean them. Look at NY, Cuomo who pulled his mother out and sent 1,000's to their death. Google some of these HORRORS that take place there & multiply by 100 since this virus hit. Families not allowed in to oversee their LO care. These people videotaped themselves and POSTED them online! Especially with living beings that can't fight for themselves. Staffers PUNCHING a patient in the face. Nurses (women) forcing 2 pts, women and men, to FIGHT til one is so beaten, they fall unconscious and if they don't fight, the nurses beat them, withhold food, water... there are 1,000s of examples. If you have ANY OTHER ALTERNATIVE, I BEG YOU, don't do this. I had been on hospice in 2013 and 2014. My son who cared for me 24/7 was burned out (I was 100% bedridden). He needed help. I was introduced to a caregiver i hired to help him and me. This woman is an angel from Heaven. She promised me she would never leave me. In 2015, I moved to Alabama to care for my dad. (Obviously didn't die. God had other ideas). Anyway, from March 2015 to Jan, 2016, I was hospitalized 4 times. Dad and I both needed help. I called my angel and said, "Lorri, I need you.". She left everything she had ever known, even her family and flew 3,000 miles to care for us in March, 2016. 5 1/2 yrs and she has kept her promise to never leave US. My dad is now 91. His ALZ is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for us to handle as he leaves his cath bag open draining urine all over the floors. Has left garbage disposal running til it burns out, twice. He tried to help wash dishes but couldn't remember where dish cloths were, removed his diaper and washed dishes with it. He empties cath in kitchen sink a cpl times. Wakes me up several times a night with mindblowing 'stuff'. Came in naked saying someone broke into his room, stole his clothes and are waiting for him to come back so they could kill him. If you are considering a nursing home, it's expensive and you would show your love by getting them a live in, or a few hours a day. My daddy never quit on me and I will exhaust EVERY, EVERY option before putting him anywhere. Please pray and dig deep for an answer to your frustration. Other countries, less developed, do not discard their elders. 4 generations in one home is hard, but... Don't do it. PLEASE.
They sacrificed their lives for you. Is it your turn caz times are rough or inconvenient? Maybe a nursing school or college student needs part time work? A church "friend" for them. Anything but these death traps.... I am harsh with parts of this. It IS that important. God bless all in this situation, grant you peace and bring the help you need.
Please share.

i am late in responding, but just say you are going to take her to spend some time with a friend, you don't need to say where that place is. tell her its like taking a small vacation and that she can stay with that friend for a couple days and all meals are supplied, etc. other than that no need to tell her anything. its hard and will be hard for you for a little while but apparently you have made a choice that will be best for both her and you. wishing you luck.

I would tell her the truth - not for her, but for you.

She may forget, and you may be experiencing “Groundhog Day” — but you will feel better because you won’t be hiding anything.

i understand how you feel- a part of you is torn up because you don’t want to feel like you are deceiving her — so tell her and try to feel peace.

I would not even make up a story about visiting a friend. Get her dressed and ready and just explain things as they are happening. "You're sweater is in the closet, mom " while she watches you hang it up. "Miss Eleanor (nurse or aide on duty) will help you turn on the tv.". "I love you. I'll see you soon. "

Burnoutgirl: Imho, since (sadly) your mother has a broken brain, there is no real need to tell her. However, if you feel a moral obligation to tell her, then do so.

Burnt and Care. You are right. I was thinking about my own mother. I guess I always told her the truth about things and she understands most days.

If you tell her, she’s not going to remember in 5 minutes. But when it’s time to go..the day of…say you’re taking her to doctor appointment & then out to lunch! Which in a way, true because she will get checked by dr when arriving & then give her lunch..,& you can help her eat. Hugs 🤗

We moved my mother to memory care when she developed shingles that we couldn't manage at home. I told her it was like a cross between a hotel and a hospital. She seemed to like that description. No mention of the intention for it to be a permanent move. She has adjusted well, and is quite content now.

Don't tell her. Just stay with your original explanation of going to stay with a friend.
If she won't remember what you're saying anyway, why upset her?
Just be very careful not to use the words 'nursing home' or 'facility' around her.
I had a client who was totally invalid from dementia who had to go into temporary respite care while her house got renovated.
She was told that she was going to a hotel. She didn't know the difference.

Tell her the truth. My cousin was dropperd off at a nursing home and told by her daughter she will be right back. She waited and no return for about two weeks. Cousin at the nursing home was so upset and daughter decided to end the relationship until when she was on her death bed. Very sad story. She was a good mother and deserved better. I tell my mother the truth about everything. She might remember for a short time but I reinfore it as needed.

if the facility will allow it perhaps you could do what was often suggested here pre COVID for moving your elder. Since her short term memory is often fleeting maybe you or your sister. Outdoor take her out to lunch while the other one moved some of her special “things” and or furniture and set up her space to look as much like the one she’s leaving as possible. “Remind” her at lunch that the house or her room is being worked on for a few days so things will be slightly different during that time. Don’t make a big deal of it, it was expected after all but give it a shop prepping her for why going home is different. You aren’t lying when you tell her she’s “home” this is her home now and you have a response for why it looks like a different (or is) place. When you arrive at her room there her things will be along with your sister. Again I would act as if it’s all normal, not a special adjustment or sad and if both of you are doing that along with her things being around (family photos are often helpful) she may not notice the difference as much and adapt more quickly. I do think that like young children who depend on us or elders who often feel as dependent (wether they admit it or not) take emotional cues from us so when we are nervous or anxious about wether or not they will accept something or trying to make everything good, acting differently, they instinctively feel anxious and fearful of whatever is causing us to feel that way. I know I didn’t explain that well but hope it’s making enough sense to get the picture. Only things I can think of to offer. It’s a tough decision I know but it’s the right one, you and your sister have made it together and committed, Mom will be safe and cared for, you are doing what is best for her rite now.

Absolutely DO NOT tell her.
She won't remember.
Momentarily, the 'truth' will cause her more confusion, fear, anxiety.
There is no reason to tell her she is moving.
--- NEVER EVER USE EMOTIONALLY TRIGGERING WORDS ---
* Your question to us tells me that your needs and concerns are based on how you feel and your emotional needs, not your mom's. This is understandable - it is a shift in the relationship, her care.
* I commend you on taking this step. It is not easy emotionally.
* You ARE doing what is in her best interest.
* Keep the conversation 'happy' and refocus as you need to (or re-direct as it is called in).
Gena / Touch Matters

i read the opposing viewpoints here and i agree, whatever works. Its funny NOT that at home she thought she was in a Hotel cause her bed was gone and Hospice bed was there. In Nursing she thought she was in the Hospital, it will work out, hang in there! ****update000btwHospice Nurses did not fib and told her everything- that shes on Hospice, Chaplain came too and didnt fib, Social Worker too and we all talked about the move and why, does your Mom have a Social Worker?

tell her the truth, thats what we did. Yes she always insisted she was going home, she walked again etc Total denial , we decorated her room with lloved items and finally after 5 days she "got it" and said sooo this is where i live now, yes Mom there was no other way as we were all needing rest too! She thought I lived there too ! And I insisted on the truth. I'm glad I did rip Mom we luv you and miss you. Prayers for your Mom and all who love her, tc

Fill her room with her favorite chair and cover her bed and pillows with familiar covers (permanently laundry marked). Family photos and sentimental items at her bedside and sink. A treasured framed piece of art.

Is she there yet?

Therapeutic fibs are definitely a common practice.

My mom with ALZ and borderline personality disorder didn't take the therapeutic fib so well ("you need more room and therapy after your recent falls - the doctor wants you to be here to get therapy").

Use therapeutic fibs, but know your loved one and be prepared for reactions.

This is an easy-to-read book with great advice on a seamless move into a facility: "Moving and More" ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0971039056

In my opinion, it is not disrespectful or immoral to tell a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer’s “white lies” that help them handle situations. As her illness progresses, you will find yourself using that tool more often. Now whether it is best not to inform your mother about the move, you are the expert on her.

You don’t have to tell her that she’s going to a nursing home but explain that she going somewhere to get stronger or better or whatever. If she becomes agitated or questions where she is, it helps to use diversion by asking her a question or changing the subject. My mom is in a memory unit with dementia. She wants to go home and will never be able to. At this point, I tell her whatever will pacify her. Her peace of mind is worth more than her knowing all the details that might upset her.

I am moving my husband who suffers with dementia, into a Memory Care facility next week. He has been going to an adult daycare facility for the past few months - when I talk about that, I call it Senior Care. I have told him that I will be moving him to a new Senior Care place that is bigger and brighter and has more activities and he will be having physical therapy for his balance issues. I told him that he will have his own room with his own bathroom and I will visit him every day at 4:00. Don't use the words "nursing home". Yesterday, I told him it was a Senior Care/Rehab/Resort.

Perhaps - a white lie along the lines of going to visit for a few days whilst you have to be away, and you have found a hotel for her? Whatever will help her to accept it more comfortably. With her current level of Alzheimers being as you have described it, she is unlikely to know the difference between a hotel and a NH. So avoid any possible negative words, and as staff are generally welcoming she should not feel anxious. This is purely a personal view, but I would not be telling her or trying to explain anything, there is no point causing stress or anxiety to someone who doesn't understand or who would think they would not like the solution you and your sisters have arrived at as being necessary. I agree with you that sometimes more information is more harmful than less. It is very sad to see people we love suffer with any form of dementia and cease to be the person we would like to remember, you and your sisters sound to be very caring and Mum will be in good hands, with good care which is the best you can do for her.

Maybe consider telling her she is going for an extended visit since you need doctor-ordered rest for your health. She won't remember, but you may feel better that this is closer to the truth,

My Mom was pretty much into her Dementia by the time I placed her. I told her nothing until the day of. Got her moved in and then took her to the AL. Told her she was going to a new apartment. She would meet new people. Got her settled. Think we may have left her in the Common area where the dining area was and the staff. That way when we left, she was not alone.

No.

Your plan is great, and is the kindest way to handle the situation.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and caring responses. I am so grateful for this forum. Caring for my mother has been the hardest thing I've ever done and YOU helped me through it. She is leaving my house but not my life. God bless all you incredible souls who give so much of yourselves.
-Burnoutgirl

Honestly, I wouldn’t.

I had a conversation with my mother-in-law the other day about when she was going to see my sister-in-law. Saturday. How she was going to get there? What day was it today? What day is tomorrow? And then the days got all mixed up, and the conversation went in circles for an hour as she tried to get in straight in her head. Only for her to forget the next day. I didn’t bring it up again. I had learnt my lesson.

With this (like me) it would just be punishing yourself. And I’m sure the hard (albeit necessary) decision you’ve already made is punishment enough.

You are doing the right thing. Why or how could that possibly be disrespectful or immoral?

Don’t talk about her leaving where she lives presently until you’re in the car headed there.

When you arrive ask if someone can come out to meet you. When you get to her room, hugs and “I love you” from everyone, then “Goodbye, I’ll see you soon”.

Then leave. Hopefully someone will have briefed you about how long you should stay away before your first visit.

My mother’s life was lonely after my dad died, and upon entering the SNF where she lived after a badly broken hip, she bloomed to enjoy 5 1/2 delightful years before her death at 95.

May your sweet mother’s new life be the same.

Given the circumstances, I don't think you should tell her. If you're comfortable with the facility you've chosen, then allow them to care for her and follow their suggestions. They may ask you to stay away for a week, while she adjusts to her new surroundings. When I brought my mother home to live with me, she kept asking, "Why am I here? " I told her it was so that she would be safe and well cared for. If your mother wants to know why she's there - tell her something similar and make sure she knows that you love her. This is so hard - sending you hugs and prayers that this will be an easy transition for both of you. 🤍