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Hi, I have been living with my elderly parents and taking care of their needs for the last 2 years.(cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, appointments) I have not paid any rent-or food expense. My father committed suicide in April, when I was preparing to move due to their meanness and manipulation of me. He wrote in his note, maybe Ann will stay with me gone. My mom got me to stay to take care of her. She is 80, has a bad knee, diabetic had gets confused and forgetful at times. My sister thinks I should start paying some of the expenses here. My groceries and internet, approximately $400 a month. It's not a lot of money, but I don't feel that is fair since I provide 100 percent of her care. I know the free room is worth something. My mother is narcissistic and very manipulative. I do not get any help. My sister does take care of her financials. She has approximately $100,000 and the house is paid for. I feel I am being taken advantage of. I have no life. If I move out, she will have to leave her house and go into assisted living. Both my 2 sisters are too busy to help with her and she does not want to go to their houses to give me a break. I don't think I am asking for much, only the free room and board that I had before my dad passed. I also want to find someone that can be here at times and give me a break Be honest with me? Is that too much?

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You've said repeatedly you have a job and work remotely, as if you have to explain yourself and that you're not a grifter. SMH.

I don't see you having a free ride here at all, but stuck in an extremely dysfunctional family dynamic where your father committed suicide to get you to stay with mom? That's #1 on the list of over the top things I've heard since I joined A.C. in 2016.

Tell your grossly misinformed sister to move in with mother and pay $400 a month for the privilege, that you've had all you can stand and you're leaving. Her insistence on YOU paying room and board was the last straw, when you should be GETTING paid!

I don't know why you've stayed this long when there are many other options available for your mother's care.

My condolences on the loss of your father, especially under such circumstances. Please move on with your life now. Best of luck to you.
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anonymous1768885 Jul 14, 2024
1000% Right On!
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Your sister has it ALL wrong. Your mother should be paying you a living wage to take care of her in her home. You are putting your own future and financial security at great risk by not having any type of income. My suggestion is you move out of your mother's home, get a job and a place of your own and let your other sisters worry and take care of mom. Your mother should go into assisted living so you can have a life. What if she lives another 20 years? What will happen to you once mom dies? You will be out in the street and homeless. Think about that.
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Annmarie223 Jul 14, 2024
Hi, I do have a job. I work remotely in addition to taking care of my mom. Luckily it is very flexible.
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That's an easy one! Pay the $400 per month and then let your two sisters know that moving forward you will need $720 per day as her full-time live-in caregiver (that's $30) per hour. They won't find anything much cheaper than that! Problem solved! :-) Good luck (I would tell both my sisters to pound sand) I'm in your shoes. I moved in here to take care of my Dad 24/7 and I share expenses with him, and I have my own home and mortgage, utils, expenses to cover as well. You deserve to be compensated in some way - $400 per month is not nearly enough! Or, even better, let them move her into senior care facility and get on with your life!
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anonymous1768885 Jul 14, 2024
1000% love this answer.
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AnnMarie,

Please take care of yourself and prep to leave. I'm sorry about your dad, but don't let his guilt tripping keep you prisoner to a situation that will not work out to your benefit. It sounds like a terrible case of them abusing you emotionally and using emotional blackmail to keep you in place. This is trauma, and it sounds like it is time for you to find a good trauma specialist.

Your father was a sick man, and you are not the cause of him commiting suicide. He decided to do this on his own as a form of punishment. He had issues all along, and you preparing to leave was not a reason for him to kill himself. People have free will.

Free so-called room and board comes at a price. You are not living there free. You are taking care of your mother.
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You are not getting paid , and you don’t get breaks. Meanwhile your sisters expect you to be a 24/7 servant and pay rent ?? Nope .

Your mother remains in her home and your sisters’ lives remain uninterrupted because you have given up your own life to servitude .

You are being taken advantage of .
Take your life back , move out , get a job .
Mom goes to a facility . I hope someone has POA to make that happen.
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Annmarie223 Jul 14, 2024
Hi, My sister has POA. I have a job. I work remotely, in addition to taking care of my mom. My job is very flexible fortunately.
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Time to move out and get a real job. You've enjoyed your free ride long enough and were about to move out anyway before your father committed suicide due to your parents meanness and manipulation of you, so why in the world would you want to stay and put up with the abuse just for free food and rent?
Do you not believe that that you deserve better? Well I'm here to tell you that you do.
Caring for a parent who is abusive and a narcissist and showing signs of dementia isn't worth all the money in the world or giving up ones life for.
So put on your big girl panties, and tell your mom and sisters that you're moving out by the end of August and that they'll have to figure out what to do next as far as moms care goes, but it won't be including you.
You can do this, and you'll be much happier when you get out from under all this dysfunction.
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Annmarie223 Jul 14, 2024
Hi, I wouldn't call it a free ride. I worked hard taking care of them. I do have a job-I work remotely in addition to taking care of my mom.
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First, CAN you move out? You said you were preparing to move in April, but honestly, do you have the resources to rent an apartment on your own? Are you working? The answer to that will delineate the position you are in and what you are able to accomplish negotiating with your family.

Second, does your sister hold POA over your mother? If she does, that puts you in an unfavorable position. If she doesn't, I strongly suggest you get it or prevent her from getting it, because when the time comes that mom needs to go into a NH or if she passes, in all likelihood, you will be left out in the cold and scrambling.

If the answer to those 2 is Yes, I would advise you to move. You are being taken advantage of and sacrificing your future. If your sisters don't respect the work you are doing and if mom is unappreciative, then it is in your best interests to leave. Even if it would be hard for you financially, if there is a path for you to go, I suggest you take it.

Edit:
I see you posted you do have an income and your sister is POA. I urge you to leave. With your sister holding the cards you are in a bad situation.
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If your sister cared about your mom or you she would be checking on you to see if you need a break!

Not only does your sisters not check on you to make sure you can handle the stress of caregiving, they won't even pay you. That's BS.

I've came to the realization that my brother doesn't care a bit about my mom or me.
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I'm sorry your Dad left you with such a guilt trip, it doesn't mean you have to feel guilty though. Oh, how I dislike family members who have no idea of what goes into being a caregiver! You've already done enough and it's time to move on. Being asked to contribute is just bogus! They will soon learn the costs of facility care and how much you're were worth to your mother and them,not your problem anymore.... too little, too late! They don't appreciate you so why continue to be "of use" for them? Your mother needs more attention than you can give, now it's up to the family to place her where she gets the care she needs. Don't let them con you into staying with "I'm sorry for the way we treated you", if they cared you wouldn't be here!!! You can't do this alone, mother has too much going on with her health. It's not easy being a caregiver, time to leave it to the professionals,save yourself from the burden. You won't be sorry, the relief is very gratifying.
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Wow what a guilt trip your father left you with. That is utterly disgusting.

No I wouldn't pay $400 a month to live with your mother. She should be thanking you for doing it and you should be well compensated for the care you are giving and the sacrifice you are making.

I would leave now. I guess your sisters will need to make time for mom.

You have a job which is a huge plus. It is time to move on.
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