A salary was never specified in the documents my mom prepared before her stroke. My mom was organized, and had prepared these documents in case. They proved necessary, as she had a stroke almost 6 years ago. She named my oldest sister the POA. I'll call her "S". There are 4 of us girls. That just made sense since "S" was the oldest and lived closest. Although my mom is in a 24 hour/7 day a week nursing facility, the POA ("S") asked my 2nd oldest sister, ("D"), if she could receive a salary for her time. We were all distraught and of course "D" was happy that "S" was close in distance to be able to help my mom, and so of course said yes. The third oldest sister, ("L"), and me ("B"), were never consulted, so now "S" has been taking a salary for almost 6 years. "S" claims that maybe she hasn't been taking it the whole time, or maybe she just takes it when she needs it, but we have NO visibility and are left frustrated. My mom has a sizable estate, and we have NO idea what "S" has been doing. "D" and "B" (me) have been asking for copies of the financial records for months, maybe years. We know for a fact that my mom has listed all 4 of us as equal beneficiaries in her will, but we're afraid that "S" is decimating the estate, and using the funds however she sees fit, rather than discussing them with us. "S" is angry that we are even discussing money since my mom is still alive. She feels that we care more about the money than about my mom which is ludicrous. "S" is probably being responsible, but don't we have a right to know what is going on since we are beneficiaries of the estate? Since "S" won't share any of the financials, it gives us the impression that she is hiding something. What do we do?
I'm having a devil of a time, now that a relative has stuck her nose in my Mom's estate business, and made me a patsy for all her fraud and elder abuse. While my squeaky clean reputation was being dragged over the coals, NO ONE, not even the attorney, was asking me what I thought, or what my side of things looked like. It seemed for the last 3 years like NO ONE in the family, let alone the attorney, wanted the truth. And my relative started doing the actions of the "illicit trustee's motto" - isolate, medicate, drain the estate. It can happen, and does, with frightening frequency.
I've even been threatened with arrest for even asking what's going on, especially after I was banned from seeing my mother, along with one of her only joys left in life, my daughter, her only grandchild. Now that I have been made POA again, let me give you folks a great piece of advice - beware the "joint" POA. A Joint POA is where at least two people are made POA to care for someone's affairs, but they are instructed by the document to act "jointly" in all matters. This is enormously destructive, and inefficient, and someone who knew that it would be practically useless at the bank talked my Mom into doing it that way. Now that she is close to being certified at incompetent, there's no changing it, AND it may be hard to force the bank (which you can do, through court action) to honor it.
What my relative did to both my life and my Mom's life and finances is a dark reminder that ANYTHING that can go wrong, usually will.
My advice it to have two POA's that the beneficiaries trust as well as the one being cared for, make their POA's work both "jointly and independently" - just to make sure that one status doesn't affect the other. POAs can get so frustrated that they quit, which can leave the estate in trouble and very vulnerable to people who make a living off "administering the estate" and who become a huge financial drain.
I have found evidence of not only elder abuse, but fraud on Mom's accounts, which is why the "relative" who lied to Mom to manipulate her into making her POA wanted to keep me away from all the evidence until it was way too late. It nearly was too late last year, when Mom went septic with a blood infection, and was left to die in the ER because of said relative, who had not only financial POA but health care POA. Mom never knew she had been betrayed so bad until she got home, and started to realize what the relative as doing. And this relative is someone she grew up with!
Once she realized it, the relative was replaced, and now faces many felony charges. I'm a beneficiary, and I have a right to make sure I know that the estate is being handled properly, especially on account of my suspicion that the relative was in it for the money, which she was. I was POA and Trustee for 30 years on Mom and Dad's estate, when the relative knocked me down with her lies and greed. Believe me, you need to be vigilant. Never let anyone tell you that you have no legal rights as a beneficiary.
Beneficiaries do have legal rights when it comes to an estate. Take advantage of some of those 30 minute free consultations, and let the answers you glean from each one educate your questions for the next one. Pretty soon, you'll know exactly what to do. Follow up with some research on your own, to make sure you have the right knowledge, and then stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.
But I agree-Rainmom, the POA thing is a pretty thankless job. But when it's for your Mom, you just flat out do it. She supported you, so now it's time to support her. Don't give up.
keeping track of bank statements (am grateful my M&D saved for old age) from 7 different banks + multiple accts at each. these accts often need updating as they go dormant. yes, and taxes always stress me. having so many extra responsibilities. Not wanting to FAIL. trying to keep things PERFECT.
bring home moms clothes to wash after falling (4am @ER)and getting blood out of her jamies(dried blood). Scrubbing jeans after she spilled white-out all over best pants. taking her to try on shoes (difficult w dementia). taking her to buy clothes(refuses to try on)
I take her shopping as a fun activity. I drive her to all appts. and mostly NEVER reimburse myself for gas. recently sat in Radiology appt maybe 2.5 hours start to finish. so not just a money issue but TIME.
yes I get frustrated and tired. but I continue to GIVE. and I don't take. I know it seems like forever, but its not. someday I'll look back and be thankful I got to help my mom. my mom has her issues, we don't always get along(due to demencia) BUT I know my mom is grateful for what I do.
My dad went by everyday to check on them when they were both alive and them my grandmother, mowed the lawn, ran errands..he was rarely acknowledged. Now grandmother is gone and she wonders why we don't want to have anything to do with her.
I am POA, however my mom just passed, so my job has lightened up..my step dad is alive still, so my step brother is still at work, indeed....
Me personally, I have not taken a dime, but when my step dad passes, & inheritance is dispursed, we are taking 10% more for yrs of work.... nothing until we are done!!! That is quite common, according to my attorney...
Does his doctor say he needs to go to a NH? You're going to need a doctor's input to be able to place him in a nursing home.
I am not sure about consulting, particularly if you are his medical POA, but I think informing them might be nice to do.
I assume you are his durable and medical POA?
Burntout
Compensation of Attorneys-in-Fact
Existing statutes provide no rules on compensation of attorneys-in-fact,
except to say that consideration is not necessary
to make an attorney-in-fact’s authority binding on the principal.52
An attorney-in-fact is generally not expected to receive
compensation, since the attorney-in-fact is usually a friend or
member of the principal’s family who accepts the designation
as an accommodation.53 The proposed law provides that the
attorney-in-fact is entitled to reasonable compensation and to
reimbursement of expenses.54 This authority is comparable to
the law applicable to compensation and reimbursement of
trustees55 and custodians under the Uniform Transfers to
Minors Act.56 The default right to compensation and reimbursement
is subject to control in the power of attorney. It is
believed that most attorneys-in-fact will serve without
expecting compensation, but if the principal becomes incompetent
and the attorney-in-fact is expected to incur substantial
expenditures of time and money, compensation is entirely
appropriate. In fact, omitting a right to compensation might
result in the failure of a durable power of attorney to carry out
its purpose, since the attorney-in-fact may be unwilling to
continue without compensation and reimbursement.
Existing law is unclear on the extent to which an attorneyin-fact
may delegate authority under a power of attorney for
property. The power of attorney statutes are silent on the
matter, but the general agency statutes permit delegation (1) if
the act is “purely mechanical,” (2) if the act cannot be performed
by the attorney-in-fact but can be by the subagent, (3)
if it is the “usage of the place” to delegate the authority, or (4)
if the delegation is authorized by the principal.39 Under these
general rules, a subagent is not responsible to the principal,
nor is the original attorney-in-fact responsible to third persons
for the acts of a “lawfully appointed” subagent.40 The
language of these sections seems more appropriate to business
agencies than to the type of power of attorney prepared by an
individual to manage private affairs.
As the default rule, the proposed law permits delegation of
mechanical acts. However, unlike the general agency rule, the
original attorney-in-fact remains responsible to the principal
for the exercise of the authority delegated.
General Duties of Attorneys-in-Fact
The power of attorney statutes do not provide any set of
duties for the guidance of attorneys-in-fact, even though an
attorney-in-fact will normally be a nonprofessional. The general
agency statutes provide insufficient guidance. A few
duties are scattered amongst the general agency statutes, such
as the obligations not to exceed actual authority, to keep the
principal informed, and not to commit fraud on the principal.41
The agency statutes also forbid violation of a number of
duties applicable to trustees.42 Agents’ duties have been
fleshed out by commentators and the courts by reference to
the Restatement on Agency and the duties of trustees.43 But
these sources will not be of much assistance to a friend or
relative undertaking responsibilities under a durable power of
attorney.
Other fiduciary laws typically provide a list of basic duties,
such as the statutes applicable to guardians and conservators,44
custodians under the Uniform Transfers to Minors
Act,45 personal representatives,46 and trustees.47 The Commission
believes that it is appropriate to set out in the statute
the basic duties of an attorney-in-fact under a power of attorney.
The duties in the proposed law have been drawn from
existing agency law, from the Trust Law, and from the relevant
laws in other states. The proposed law provides a
number of explicit duties: a duty of care and skill, a duty of
loyalty, a duty to keep the principal’s property separate and
identified, a duty to keep the principal informed and follow
instructions, a duty to consult with other persons designated
by the principal, a duty to keep records of transactions on
behalf of the principal, a duty to use special skills, and a duty
to deliver property to appropriate persons on termination of
the attorney-in-fact’s authority.
Standard of Care
The existing agency rules do not provide a positive statement
of a standard of care. The courts, however, have read the
statutes to impose a fiduciary standard on attorneys-in-fact,
typically the standard applicable to trustees.48 The standard of
care for trustees has undergone revision from time to time
since the general principle analogizing attorneys-in-fact to
trustees was laid down.49 Much of trust law is influenced by
the skilled property management and investment services professional
trustees are expected to provide.
The situation of a typical attorney-in-fact under a power of
attorney for property is more analogous to a custodian under
the Uniform Transfers to Minors Act50 than to a trustee.
Accordingly, the proposed law provides a nonprofessional
fiduciary standard of care as a general rule. This standard
requires the attorney-in-fact to observe the standard of care
that would be observed by a prudent person dealing with
property of another. If the attorney-in-fact is not compensated,
the attorney-in-fact is not liable for losses to the
principal’s property unless the losses result from the attorneyin-fact’s
bad faith, intentional wrongdoing, or gross negligence.
However, if the attorney-in-fact has special skills or
was designated as an attorney-in-fact on the basis of representations
of special skills, the attorney-in-fact is required to
observe the standard of care that would be observed by those
with similar skills.51
I am retired. There is no way either of my sisters are capable of managing a 10 million dollar estate. My father saw that a long time ago when they received a substantial inheritance, and both of them blew through it, and spent it frivolously. So I am responsible for managing a large and substantial estate. Neither sister contributes in any way, shape, or form helping out with taking care of things so I can take a vacation, while they go on cruises or trips to Europe, numerous times per year. State of California does allow compensation for Power of Attorney /Attorney in Fact.
The options are simple, I can take care of investments, property etc for a minor fee, or I can hire a Trust Agency to manage that for about 1.25% of the value of the Trust, Annually. Then I can free myself of the day to day grind taking care of Dad and have the court hire a Conservator to handle all the day to day, and mundane tasks, by hiring more people, while the Conservator bills the trust also. Then all the people that come out and actually DO the physical work taking care of Dad, cleaning his house, doing his laundry, grocery shopping, and possibly stealing the contents from the house, while paying the agency that handles her $20 /hr. It doesn't matter if the trust or estate is substantial or small, my best foregone alternative as a General Contractor, I can still make $125 an hour doing electrical or plumbing contracting in California. My services and compensation as Attorney in Fact and Successor Trustee, after taxes, are NOT worth it. Yet my sisters, same as the women here, neither want the job, nor does Dad feel that they are competent to manage him, or his trust, or his health. You don't apply for this job, and trust me, if I wasn't compensated, I'd quit it, in a heart beat. The problem is there are so many other vultures waiting to steal and get their hands in the pie with the "gimme, gimme, gimme" attitude. Forget the squabbling about compensation, go do the job, for free yourself, and you'll see how thankless and inadequate the compensation is after state, federal and payroll taxes. You're only myopic and fooling yourself.
Your sister has an obligation to keep your mom's financial affairs confidential. Quite frankly, I see this sibling situation quite often.
If you are so concerned about your Mom's well being, take an active roll in her care.
You could have resigned your POA.
What is the "prize"? Is it a lot of money? Is it to be split equally? When you gifted yourself and your sibs, was it done on your mother's orders and was it split equally? (If so, then was she competent? And, if she was, why didn't you tell her you needed a salary for all that you were doing?)
I too am a POA, Executor, trustee, oldest child of 3 and only caregiver to a 91 yr old mother with dementia for 8 years in an assisted living facility with a memory care wing.
My mother specifically stated in her documents that no salary was to be taken and only reasonable expenses to take care of her, over and above the actual care bills, were allowed. I have left that statement open to interpretation because taking care of her necessitates also taking care of me. And anyone who does this job knows what I mean. After having read some of these posts, and compiling my own list of what I have done over the 8 years of taking care of my mother, including tearing down her life's possessions, furniture, odds and ends to sell her house, and pretend like I was a contractor on one of those Fixer Up home repair shows to get it sold, meaning, complete landscape makeover, full redo of house, staging, etc etc and that was just one project. I have had 8 years of projects that uprooted me from my own home and job in CA to no job and apt in SC and no life, all to fulfill my duties and responsibilities as mom's eldest and POA.
So as to a salary, I would encourage any person preparing a POA document and asking someone to be their POA, to consider a salary for them. Perhaps to be overseen by a 3rd party if there are any siblings, so everything is transparent. But I have had to do this POA job for 8 years now and having no salary to do ALL THIS WORK is just ludicrous. I don't care if they are family or not, and I love my mother, but no parent, no person, who has lived through what I have lived through would or should be cruel enough to say, do this all for free for me. This is not a babysitting job once a week or month. This is a full time job. FULL TIME folks. I have a full head of gray hair now, weakened immune system, overweight etc etc all from the constant 24/7 worry. Now mom is on hospice and the agony of watching someone close to you die is horrific. Especially when the siblings STILL do nothing to help. And I mean nothing. For 8 years. NOTHING. But you can be sure they have their eyes on the prize. And it will be my final act on when to disperse that. And I have a long memory. I have been fair, transparent and communicative. They have done nothing. I have gifted money to them and myself, given annual fiscal reports, created budgets and shown expenses against budgets. Did I ever get a thank you? No. DId they once in 8 years off to give me a week off. So they could come down and look in on mom while I took a break? No. How often did they visit? Well, one brother came down once a year, and one of those years was for a full hour. Yes folks, he drove down from the northeast to the southeast that took him 2 days. Stayed and hour and drove home. The other sister lives a few hours away and comes about 4 or 5 weekends a year. But still no offer to help. And as some have said, I would rather do all of this myself than have their input, because no one gets along. But it would have been nice to have an offer, or a thank you. After all it is their mother too.
Our particular bank was happy to do so.
(Has mom been declared incompetent by a doctor? If not, she has the ability to change her designated POA, Will, etc. on her own.)
Salary: A one-time payment for services until your mom passes is one way to know for certain what the sister will get. Plus, it puts an an amount, a cap, forbeveryone to see. This is done using a "Care Giving Aid and Attendance Compliance Coordinator and Advocate Agreement" --a legally binding contract.
Darby
Yes, you should check into her finances-because without them, she has no means to live. Haven't met a person yet who will tell you what they are doing wrong as they are doing it...just saying.
We have an interesting car issue. We keep my mother's car because it is her last contact with her old world where she was in control of everything. I even got her a drivers license at 91 years of age. But I don't let her drive. My sister and I decided although the insurance is outrageous it is worth it to keep for her state of mind. I drive her car to visit her, do shopping, deliver her to doctors and church, etc. which is almost every day. I also let her pay for half of the gas. The car is not mine. It is hers and it will remain that way until she no longer remembers that she has a car. But if a person cannot afford that "old person's insurance rates", that would necessitate putting the car in someone else's name.
I am grateful that I have someone to aide in the major decisions with mom's health, take some of the burden, but in my mind I am the one who decides what is best for her. My neices and nephews are shocked that all decisions are made without their input - it is never requested as I can see a nest of worms there. And they are not the ones proven dependable.
Then, as executor, I took no salary, even though I had a 1500 mile flight.
Some of this stuff, has to be let go. If your mother did not make arrangements, while she was able to, that would be a problem. My mother had us on her bank accounts, as survivorship. That would be something that you could do for your children.
Also: Life is not fair. We get sick and old (hopefully but not always! Some hardly get a chance, what about that?). Once you can say, "it's all okay," you'll stop being so upset.
When I was young, we all knew my paternal grandfather was loaded. Tiny house and no purchases, even for "loved ones" (not sure my grandfather knew what that meant). I guess through my father we were always hopeful for a big inheritance (we were so poor). Anyway, after my grandmother passed, g-father got a girlfriend. Who had 3 sons who were stockbrokers. The g-friend was 20+ years younger. Can anyone guess the rest? SOL (sorry but if you know what that means, you swear, too!). The will was changed even though g-father was alcoholic with dementia. Even though my father traveled 200 miles monthly to visit and check on him.
Years later, my family is still upset about this. I could tell many more stories. Such as the disparities in income with my siblings. I make 1/10th of my sister's income - she is always complaining about how broke she is. I go to Goodwill, I make homemade presents or sometimes just give a card. Same with my brothers - one works hard and is hyper-responsible/frugal with money; the other is on disability and when money hits his pocket, his brain goes into overdrive and my parents pick up the pieces. There is jealousy and judgement on all sides, or there was... I have learned to be grateful for what I have, and for who I am.
Final answer: It doesn't matter who has more or less. Find your inner happiness and be kind to others. Especially, as someone mentioned - to your mother. You're never going to change someone else; maybe you'd like to be free of being so angry, feeling like a victim. Counseling has helped me tremendously. But be aware: a counselor is there to reflect the truth in what you say or believe! They don't sit there and just agree with your "side." Thank God for that! Blessings to all.