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Some asked for an update on my post…



What do you think? Should I go on the trip?



https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-do-you-think-should-i-go-on-the-trip-488107.htm?orderby=recent&page=1



When my parents moved up near me I started a habit of calling them every day. Pretty much “Hey there how ya doing?” kind of thing. They were up here for about a month then went back to their other home in FL. Kept up the habit. Last week when everything went down regarding my original post I got ghosted by my Dad.



Today I left a message saying that I know he is upset and that I am taking it as he doesn’t want to speak with me so I will give him some space and am ready when he is ready to talk.



He texted me back saying this…



”I am not mad, just broken hearted. I don’t think this can ever be fixed so from this point on please don’t try to contact us anymore. If anything happens to your mom I will let you know. I’m sure if something happens to me she will do the same.”



Feel like I have lost my Dad before I lose my Dad.

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Sad. The only thing that comes to mind at the moment is Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
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I'm willing to bet that he'll be sending you another text saying how he can't believe you're doing this to him and your mom. He realizes his 1st guilt trip didn't work, so he'll try a different approach.

As for you, stand your ground and don't give in.
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Beatty Jun 24, 2024
"..try a different approach".

There was a poster from the UK, who'd tell his Father about his upcoming family trips away (with wife & kids). Father would develop chest pains the week before, or dizziness, or not feeling well in some way - every time - & plead, then demand he cancel the trip.

The Son stopped giving such notice - called on day of departure. You guessed it - Father says "Come quick! I think I'm dying right now! You'll have to cancel!!"

Hang up now Dad & call emergency services. I'll call you from Spain/wherever later tonight.
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🙄
So much drama. My husband has a daughter who loves making a mountain out of a molehill, and always has. He calls it ADATT: All Drama All The Time. It's exhausting to be around these energy vampires, it really is. I had a mother who was ADATT too. She was dying or "killing herself" since I was young enough to cry in fear about it. Passive-aggressive to the point of insanity, too, where communication was literally impossible. Her FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) tactics were SO finely honed, it was a science. The silent treatment was my favorite because she finally STOPPED talking for awhile.

There is a good website you can check out called Out of the FOG, with a forum that's extremely eye opening.

https://outofthefog.website/

If my father sent me a text like yours sent you, I'd reply with, "Love you dad."

Don't believe for a minute you've lost your father......he's just using this strategy to scare you into action, that's all. It's not working this time, which is what you saying "love you dad" means. I'm not playing this game, pop.

Enjoy your trip and if you dwell on this text, dad wins. Because he's managed to ruin your vacation, which was his goal all along. If he's suffering, so should you.
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AlvaDeer Jun 23, 2024
N.'s Mom was an emotional vampire as well. They are good at blackmail of all sorts.
I love love love your short and sweet "Love you, Dad". And then let HIM make the next move. We should perhaps design a chess board together, Forum members?
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I'm curious if your dad has always been like this, or is this new behavior?

It reads to me like dad is making poor decisions and is exhibiting panic.

Has anyone checked out his cognitive skills? And I don't mean "name the president and tell me what day it is".

If he's ALWAYS been manipulative and prone to drama, I would advise simply being in contact with mom. And giving dad space.

But if this is new behavior and if mom is still in hospital or rehab, I think I'd give the Social Worker a call and explain that dad doesn't seem to be making adequate care plans for mom. And that you live quite a distance away and can't be there to do care.
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waytomisery Jun 24, 2024
Very good point to let the social worker know that Dragon will not be there to help .

My parents used to lie I say I lived with them ( which I did not ) and that I did not work ( I did ). They would lie and say I would be there 24/7 helping them. They did this to get discharged without any outside help coming in after the hospital or rehab .
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Go on your trip, not his guilt trip.
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AlvaDeer Jun 24, 2024
Good one, PS.
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I’m going to fast forward here .

If Dad says “ I need you here “.

“ Well Dad if you can’t manage living independently either , then it’s time to talk about assisted living for both of you “
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With a Dad like that, who needs enemies. Go on your vacation and enjoy yourself thoroughly. Send a postcard addressed only to your Mom.
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Send him a post card when you’re on vacation. Maybe two.
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waytomisery Jun 23, 2024
🥰 love it !
And souvenirs .
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SOMEBODY needs to tell Dad to do his job as a husband (before Mom comes home), and arrange for professional help, period. Then he can supervise the hired staff and Mom gets excellent care she needs and deserves. Her Doctor should order Home care RN's 3 days a week, plus he gets a housekeeper for laundry. Then order groceries delivered, or order food and have delivered! His job is using his phone and his wallet, so poor Mom can recover quickly.

Then he becomes the hero for handling his own responsibility properly and stops wasting time being King Drama. Mom would want Home Care nurses, not her adult son, bathing her, etc. They are great and will keep her calm and recover so much better. Dad just has to be there with his wallet. They order supplies and get them delivered. They text Dad the night before with arrival times.

Tell Dad to knock the guilt off and do his damn job. Mom needs proper care when she gets home. I would tell him bluntly he needs to STEP UP, do what he needs to do, then hang up. Save the drama for the Oscars. Act like a damn husband should and take care of business. Admit he's scared and arrange for home care! Call her Doctor to have him order it. Neither of you are qualified RNs! Home Care can take her vitals, keep her Doctor informed, help her bathe, draw blood samples, you name it. Plus they are supportive and Mom will get her proper care.

Dad can supervise, as he should. Ordering Mom some flowers would be nice.
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Beatty Jun 23, 2024
👏👏
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what a big attempt by Dad at GUILT TRIP. dont fall for it
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Dragon92771 Jun 24, 2024
Yes indeed. Thank you strugglinson
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