Nothing is the answer. I had a dear friend with one quarter million dollars in savings, a fair pension and her social security. She lived to be 99 years old. When she had a health scare, I reached out to her estranged daughter (40 years they did not speak & she had grand children and great grand children, she never met or knew about). Long story short, they repaired the relationship. They came up for a visit the again a month later to move her 1/2 way across the country. I flew out to see her 8 months after she moved (she was in her early 90's). Her monthly income more than covered the place she was put in (which included meals). She gave up driving before she left, so there were no expenses with a car. 1.5 years after I visited her they moved her to an even less expensive old folks home. 3 months before she died she called me crying, "come get me they never visit or take me anywhere". I was powerless to do anything, as her daughter & son in law now had POA. Poof, zero accountability for the quarter million dollars. Ironically they stopped answering my calls when they moved her. Note to self: trust your gut. My gut felt as though her son in law was a snake. Too loud, too up in your face, too how wonderful he was, etc. She was so frugal. I knew she would be okay financially till death...I let her down trying to do the right thing.
Even moving a person to a cheaper place is still not really going to put money into pockets the way people may think and certainly not for very long. That's one of the reasons that people have to apply for Medicaid and split assets in order to qualify.
More often what you see is some painful amalgamation of the elder wanting to stay in their home or refusing to go into residential care - combined with a caregiver wanting to do the "right" thing by their loved one, or making a promise to their loved one (or their other deceased parent) or some other unfortunate scenario like they can't afford to put their loved one in care because then THEY have no where to go or they risk losing the family home or they are trying to preserve their inheritance. Or some combination of siblings refusing to choose residential care for any of the above reasons.
It's pretty difficult to steal money that is hemorrhaging out hand over fist to the residential facility for the parent's care. Unless that person just truly has unending funds.
As the daughter was her legal next of kin, meaning the heir apparent, why does it bother you that she inherited? If there was anything actually left after, how many years of facility care?
I have to tell you, my granny would be sitting at a table with her daughter and say, "Nadia never visits me." Now remember, Nadia is sitting right there, unrecognized by her mom.
We can not trust a broken brain to give us factual information, they live in a different reality than us.
I am sorry that you lost your friend and that you are angry about her family. Maybe some grief counseling would help you celebrate the friendship and let go of the rest, to many unknowns for you to ever have the truth about the situation.
What access did you have to her costs of care, her records, her account and her finances?
If you are talking about a dying woman who is 99 (her age) and in care weeping about things at the end (I note she never claimed they stole from her, according to you) then you are listening to the mind of a 99 year old woman wanting you there for her, and in all likelihood not completely cognizant. Yet STILL not making accusations of theft.
Again, I don't see how you have the details on this, but if a woman has 250,000 and is in care, and it lasts until she is 99? That's somewhat miraculous in this day and age. I would imagine she moved to a less-care because the move HAD to be made so that her money would last. And by the way, nefarious children usually don't put parents in care, because in -facility care is VERY costly. Starts at 5,000 mo. on average and goes up as levels of care go up.
Again, unless you have details of her accounts and accounting I don't see how you how enough knowledge to make these accusations. I doubt you have those details.
And as to going to jail? First of all there must be EVIDENCE.
Secondly there must be ACCUSATION.
Thirdly there would come TRIAL.
Then incarceration for elder abuse, fraud, and etc.
I understand there is a great deal you may not be free to discuss in this case, BUT, I do hope you will let us know how you, a friend from across the country, knows that the children of this woman stole her money. WHAT EVIDENCE. Not supposition. Not hearsay from a 99 year old in in-facility care. But EVIDENCE.
I appreciate your warning to elders here, but I take these stories without any evidence with a grain of salt.
We often hear stories of children stealing from their elders, but what I see on this Forum is more often children giving care, watching over, and not only not compensated in any way, but losing their jobs, their privacy, their lives to ungrateful parents.
I say this as an 83 year old who never personally had to provide one on one care, but who was, at the end of his life-- when my brother was struck with Lewy's-- made POA and Trustee of Trust by him. And trust me, NO ONE would have known a THING about how I managed his accounts, what he had, or what I may have simply taken from him.
Though my records were meticulous, and any time any one wanted to call me before a court I could account for every single penny of his money. I had file boxes full of every single cost. To be honest, this kind, gentle loving man deserved every care, but being POA and Trustee is a DIFFICULT job. And uncompensated (though I was his only heir).
And full with anxiety and dread and unpredictability.
Unless this couple you speak of, the daughter and SIL, were brought before a court to account, they have not HAD a day in court. They are left with your accusations, founded or unfounded as payment for establishing a loving relationship and watching over their elder to age 99 when she passed. I doubt there was anything left in funds and she was likely on Medicaid in the end, which would account for the necessity of the move. But then, I am MAKING ALL THIS UP without evidence, aren't I?
Just my personal opinion here. We aren't King Solomon and we cannot know anything here. It may be as you say. It may not. But I think rather than spend your time in thought of all this it is best you cleave on to wonderful memories of a wonderful friend who, it sounds, overall had a decent life and had even recovered love and connection with her family.
Also, maybe there is just a sense of wanting to know that justice has been done. When we do not have that, it feels like a loose end that is hard to resolve.
You reached out to someone who seemed to be a reasonable source for support. If that person then created shenanigans, that is on them. Not you. They decided how to behave in the position of POA. I think nothing reveals a person's character as clearly as how they act when given responsibility of someone in a vulnerable state.
You may not have actual proof of wrong-doing, but just looking at the overall picture are piecing together a potentially troublesome scenario. If true, I think some elders themselves may bear some of the burden by not having said "no" to their adult children either earlier in life or later on in adulthood. If someone has a propensity to exploit situations, I think it is a character trait revealed in various ways throughout life. Some parents just never want to see it or accept anything so unpleasant about their child, but then it circles back around to them.
x 60 months (5 years) = $321,000
Your friend's savings = $225,000
And in later years if your friend moved to Memory Care the national average monthly cost for that is $6,935.
It is totally possible your friend was running out of money to pay for her care and that's why she was being moved to different facilities.
Her calling you to say they never visit her could be a function of memory loss that is extremely common in advanced years. My MIL was in her late 80s in LTC. We were visiting her once when she got a call from another of her sons, so we stayed in the room while they chatted. When she finished the call I ask, "So, how is Glen?" to which she replied sadly "I don't know... he hasn't called me in months."
Lots of elders become depressed as a function of dementia. My own Mom lives next door to me in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, where I see her every day and take her wherever she wants, she sees her grand sons and great grand kids on a regular basis, she doesn't have any profound health issues or chronic conditions, etc. She is 95. Yet she was starting to experience depression so she is now on meds for this.
There is also a cognitive phenomenon with dementia called Sundowning, where the person has an urgent desire to "go home" -- even when they are in their actual home (like my Aunt with advanced dementia). They are referring to the home of their youth, where they were raised as children.
I just want to put out a possible other scenario so that the daughter and SIL aren't unfairly disparaged when there is no actual proof of such.
I think you did the right thing to contact the daughter, I think I would have done the same. Please don't feel bitter, jaded or guilty about how things transpired. There are mostly imperfections when it comes to elder care. May you receive peace in your heart.
@cam - unfortunately - as someone progresses in a dementia journey especially - it is very common to hear "come get me they never visit or take me anywhere". My FIL would talk to his sister (who lived 10 hours away and had not seen him in person in 10 years) and tell her word for word exactly that - while we were in in the room with him. He would tell her that his grandchildren never visited, while they stood there trying to talk to him.
Dementia unfortunately creates something called time dilation, among other memory issues. That would lead my FIL to tell us that staff at his SNF had not been in his room at all that day (untrue), that he had not been fed that day (also untrue), that we had not been to see him in years (he had only been there for a few months and we visited under normal circumstances weekly).
As Geaton mentioned - residential care is very costly. Median care for the US is $8,000 a month for memory care and for skilled nursing in a semi-private room is over $10,000, for a private room is $12,000. That can make $250,000 fly out the window fast. And that's just the facility care - not insurance or other expenses.
I know gut instinct, especially when someone has gone from estranged to a repaired relationship, might be to assume mal-intent. But honestly - for residential care - 1/4 of a million dollars though it sounds like a ton of money - really isn't, even layered with other income.
And at this stage - to your point, at this stage - there is little to be done.
Instead, perhaps just be happy that when she was still lucid, she was able to repair her relationship with her family. Because once someone loses their memory to dementia, those memories are lost to the ether.