My sister lives in a different state than I do with her boyfriend. Her son has a POA but is mentally unable to perform what needs to be done. She is refusing to go to assisted living. What can her boyfriend do, as she is living with him and the care will fall to him?
this is one of the reasons Gay Rights movement fought for so many years to have the right to legally marry.
I'm wondering a little bit what's actually happening here? Your question is about what 'rights' her boyfriend has if he's not the PoA. You say you don't feel it is your responsibility. You say she has given her son Power of Attorney but he is not 'mentally able' to do what needs to be done. Sounds confusing.
Is her son cognitively impaired? struggling with mental illness? or do you just mean that he's having the customary amount of emotional turmoil over a parent's decline? or do you mean he's not doing what you think he should?
You say she is 'pretty much on her own if the boyfriend and/or son walk away' ... okay, but that's true for nearly everybody: if the closest live-in family walk away, we are on our own.
You also say she is refusing to go to AL and that the boyfriend seems willing to care for her.
So what's really the issue here?
Surely, if he had a known, well-established learning disability, or a debilitating mental illness, your sister would not have asked him to accept this responsibility; so what's the problem?
What is your sisters plan for getting care for herself? Is she competent enough and wealthy enough to hire in-home caregivers?
He can, if he so chooses, provide in-home care for as long as he can and wants to. No one will take that away. However, without POA (medical and financial), he likely will run into issues. There are forms the hospitals/doctors use that she might be able to sign to allow him at least access to medical care, but probably not decision making if she needed extensive treatment. Without DPOA he technically can't manage her finances. If they have a shared bank account and her income (retired?) is direct deposited, he *can* use the account to pay bills, however there are rules about that (esp SS)- so long as no one questions anything, it can work, but if he decides to walk away, what then?
"I can't take care of her and so far, he seems willing to do it. Time will tell. I really don't feel it is my responsibility. I have other siblings and they are unable to take responsibility either."
Although it still means participating and some effort on someone's part, please understand that having DPOA and MPOA DOES NOT REQUIRE the person to provide the CARE. You handle the finances and medical decisions, but you do not have to care for her. If one of you decides you can do this, at least temporarily, and you find an attorney who will test/accept her ability to sign, the old POAs can be negated and new POAs added. At least for the short term someone can be "in charge." POAs can also be declined at any time.
If no one takes on these tasks, someone will have to ensure that the state "takes over" and assigns guardianship. Once the state steps in, you have no say in anything, how her funds are used, what happens to any of her assets, where she lives, how she is cared for, what treatment she gets.
Also note (many don't understand this!) - having any kind of POA does NOT allow you to forcibly move anyone. You can choose a place, sign paperwork FOR the person, arrange payments from their funds, etc, but oftentimes trickery or a medical emergency is needed to facilitate the move, especially when they refuse (been there, done that with our mother!)
If she is competent she can revoke son's POA and designate boyfriend or somebody else.
It appears none of her children beyond the "incompetant" son are able or willing to take on her care.
Anyway, they should definitely go together to an Elder Law Attorney. Again, you do not say how disabled you sister is--that is in what manner, for if she has now gone into dementia she can no onger change the POA. Having a mentally unable son assigned would be a complete mess if they are NOT married or Domestic Partners, in so far as guardianship. I am saying, if someone else in family wants guardianship they are more likely to get it.
So key things here.
1. In what way is your sister disabled so that she cannot manage her own affairs
2. What are the LEGAL ways she and her significant other are attached
3. How long has she been with that person/how trustworthy does family she him to be
4. What other family is involved?
5. In what way is son "mentally" unable? What is his legal diagnosis? How did he get appointed if mentally unable?
I would suggest a trip to an elder law attorney.
I see below you said "not competent. That means she CANNOT change her POA to the boyfriend at all. You may eventually be looking at guardianship by the state. You don't want it. The boyfriend can't get it, and the current POA apparently cannot do it. It is kind of a mess. So very sorry.