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Husband decided on his own to play caregiver to his mom after a stroke. I say play because he is not qualified and does not provide the best care despite "good intentions." One problem is that we do not spend time together as he is gone from morning to night. He will go see her before and after work and 8+ hours on the weekend. The thing is she refuses other care from their family and professional facilities and expects him to do it. He agrees and yet complains or says it's not working for him.. All of the household things he should do at our home he neglects, but does them for her. On our date nights he will still answer calls from his mom or other family members. He will alot 6 hours (if that) for date night and will often cancel or be late. Other times we do not see each other. Another problem is many times his bills or our joint bills go unpaid by him and I have to cover it, but he has taken out over $50,000 in loans this year for his mom's bills (yes she gets about $3000 month for retirement or SSI) and her caregivers on some days. He does not consult me or let me know about this, I see things in the mail sometimes and confront him. Mind you his sister LIVES with his mom and doesn't do anything. But he yells at me for not going over there. (His parents have always interfered in our relationship and have said cross things so I avoid especially now in covid). He and his mom refuse to get professional medical help. I bring up my feelings thoughts and concerns in a variety of ways- sometimes it's calm and matter of fact, sometimes it's frustration. He does not address our marriage issues -finances, intimacy, communication- but instead talks about his mom and her situation and feelings. Imo he acts like he is married to his mom since his dad passed away and even before. At this point he has promised to "fix" the situation and be home and get finances in order for over a year. He constantly lies. I have told him many times that we should separate if he does not think he can handle being a husband and being honest about everything. He continues to say things will change and they haven't in the slightest bit. I've lost hope. Has anyone been in this situation? What have you done?

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I would see a lawyer immediately, not necessarily about a divorce, but about how to protect yourself and your credit from his stupidity.

The only leverage you have here is your ability to control your own behavior (and funds).

If this is a new marriage, I would think long and hard about if you want to continue it. Seeking some professional guidance might be wise
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LonelyWife2018 Dec 2021
We got married 2018. 3.5 years. Smh
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LW, if you tried to have these discussions before marriage and were "denied" that is a HUGE red flag.

I implore you to see a lawyer (don't tell DH you are doing this: he will either try to "deny" you or take all your joint money pre-emptively).

Protect your future earnings and your savings if that is possible

I know that you don't "think" that you are young, but you are.

Start over and build relationships that are honest.
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LonelyWife2018 Dec 2021
Thanks Barb. I guess it's a blessing we don't have joint accounts anymore.
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LonelyWife: "I am 33 and he is 34."

You are so YOUNG. I didn't get married until I was 34. I know you've been with him for over a decade and it feels like a lifetime. But believe me, if you spent one more day being married to him, you wasted that one day.

Leave him. He's married to his mom as you said and I agree. Your leaving may wake him up, or not. Either way, don't waste another day with a momma's boy.
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Hey OP. If anything, the mom should be paying DH since he's obviously not working. And even then it probably won't work for you. I've been in this situation myself and told my Mister that he could remain unemployed, but that this would mean he'd live with them and that we wouldn't be together.

He needs to understand that it is Mommy or you. And at his age, if he chooses Mommy, then protect your assets and legally separate so he can't take YOUR HALF and spend it on Mommy.
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LonelyWife2018 Dec 2021
He does work. On his days off he is over there all day. And before and after work. He will also take off work and I honestly don't know when that is or if he has any PTO left over. Last year he took off a whole month unpaid without consulting me.

He has his income and still takes out loans and payday advances to pay his half of the rent and give to his mom and caregivers for some hours in the week. Our other joint bills are paid by me or are late until I get a notice and have to pay them. All his money goes to him and his mom. He mentions frequently how I won't help him financially (nope not if you work and take out extreme amounts in loans). I don't want his money either. Just time and for him to be the husband he promised. I understand she may need assistance, but Our bills and home should be the priority... especially with his sister living with their mom and should be paying her way.
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First of all it is dangerous for your husband to spend the money YOU BOTH will need going forward for your own care. I would see a counselor with him at once. You have some issues here that are crucial and that is the foremost.
You could otherwise help and join him in some care attempting to keep Mom in her home, knowing and understanding and -- most importantly --agreeing that this may not be doable in future and Mom-MIL may need placement.
You need some serious mediation and negotiation. And you need someone expert in helping you come to agreement.
If he is not willing to do this I would at once see an attorney to legal seperation of assets to protect your own money from what your husband is doing.
So in short. You need EXPERT help here, sooner, rather than later.
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LonelyWife2018 Dec 2021
He is resistant to therapy/counseling/spiritual guidance. Doesn't want anyone to know our issues because "we can fix it on our own". :( Has promised went twice and then never again. My therapist does suggest getting legal advice. It's just hard to follow through with divorce.
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LW, if you've already been to counseling and he's blown it off, you need to protect your financials. Now.

In a joint account, everything belongs entirely to each depositor. He can withdraw ALL of your joint money with no recourse.

Please see a lawyer.
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LonelyWife2018 Dec 2021
We tried a joint account as an attempt to actually be married (he reluctantly agreed). When I saw he only put money in for 2 months and was taking out all those loans, I withdrew all of my deposits and let his stay. Thank goodness the bank closed it after. I have been praying, but I do think I need to see a lawyer. My fclose friend has cautioned about financial issues too. I'm glad there are outside minds who agree.
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He seems to not appreciate the seriousness of his marital problem, therefore if I were in your shoes I would make the next "date night" with a marriage counselor. If he blows it off, I'd move directly to consulting with an attorney to protect your share of assets. I'm not sure whether I'd tell him this before (so he can correct himself) or after, but it seems that so far no amount of discussion has gotten his attention. After you protect yourself, the rest is up to you, which depends on how he reacts to a possibly imminent separation/divorce. It's not healthy/normal/mature behavior for a married adult. I'm so sorry he's put you in this situation. May you receive much clarity and wisdom in the coming days.
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LonelyWife2018 Dec 2021
Yep. January 2021 he promised counseling went twice and never again. He has promised again so we will see... thank you.
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So let me get this straight. The MIL apparently has her own place. In addition, she's getting $3,000/month for doing nothing. On top of it, she's subsidizing a sister who does nothing. He's spent $50K of joint money plus all of his time helping her with what, her cat box, her Christmas lights? What? And on top of it, he wants YOU to help? You're in your 30s, how old is she, her mid 60s?

You probably want to have a kid if you ever did want that. And if you did, this is NOT THE GUY. Can you imagine 30 years of Granma's meddling? She's a senior brat as it is, totally oblivious to your needs, and this will only get worse for what could be...30 years.

Seek a lawyer's assistance. Then invite him to move to a less convenient location to Mommy, as you will be doing so. If he doesn't you have your answer. Move on.
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Time to walk. If yours was a marriage of long standing I'd feel differently, but your husband is showing you how much he values your relationship, and if it wasn't his mother, he'd be doing the same thing in any other crisis situation.

Marriage is by definition a partnership -- otherwise, why get married? He doesn't see you as a partner, and he's not going to change no matter how much counseling is involved.

Cut your losses, learn from your mistakes, and go into any future relationships with your eyes wide open.
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LonelyWife2018 Dec 2021
I have been saying that same thing about partnership. What's the point if we live completely separate lives? Roommates and not even good ones imo. I know I'm not the best roommate because that's NOT what I signed up for.
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Add On: He did talk to the therapist and told her most things (I had to add the parts he left out).

After talking to the therapist, I reiterated that he can still work on our marriage and find appropriate help/care for his mom. I don't want to talk about his mom EVERYTIME I want to address an issue with our marriage. He told me he can't be happy or be at peace with me and work on our marriage until his mother is fully taken care of... (Mind you she is still refusing help other than his). I let him know we can talk about his mom and feelings around that outside of our marriage conversations and he is saying that that is part our marriage and using her as the excuse for all the issues, yep she is a big issue due to lack of boundaries... and my birthday tomorrow. Guess where he will be? Same place he was last year and the year before her stroke... I'm taking a trip so I can get away for a few days.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2021
Seems like your DH wants to be the Knight in Shining Armor for...........his MOTHER! As long as he believes he's the 'only' person on Earth who is capable of providing the 'proper' care for her, then you're sunk, I'm afraid. You'll always take a backseat to mama and come 2nd in his primary relationship with HER. It's BS that she 'refuses' outside help; or it's BS that HE won't tell HER that she MUST take outside help b/c his marriage comes first. At her age, you're looking at a lifetime of his devotion to HER, another few decades! I'm glad you are taking a trip; maybe it will clear your head and give you the space you need to make a decision about your future and the kind of life YOU want for yourself moving forward. Happy Birthday!
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