I am taking care of 3 elderly family members and have been for a while. It was 4. I live with them instead of my own home now. I'm uprooted and so is my child. I do everything for them including gardening and farm work. I like helping and feeling useful but I get lost in the mess. And so does my family and our dreams of tomorrow. Now on top of it all, another family member who has health issues and is raising her grandkids with special needs keeps hinting that when something happens to her I will be the only one to step up and raise them! I'm just exasperated at the thought of this and how everyone gets to plan their futures but me. It's almost like she see this as some sort of social contract or something that I am obligated to fulfill. I just feel sick to my stomach and know that I am likely overreacting, but...
ANY advice appreciated on how to keep this in perspective.
But, sometimes, you have to destroy people’s image of you and give them no other options, than to plan better. Because, if you don’t, yes, they will exactly be making very poor plans for you and anyone who comes after you.
I have even seen this in my downstairs neighbor. We were merely civil, until she had a need. She knew this need might come, but did nothing to prepare for it, quite possibly, because she felt she had a single woman, with no children, living right above her. Racism might’ve been a factor, as well. So, she went about her life, simply watching TV, eating, considering herself retired and did nothing to mitigate her circumstances. She was quite angry and disappointed, when I told her I could not help her. But, I WILL NOT, have some lazy idiot, but 6 years my senior, who doesn’t even know me, entitle themselves to my life and decide that their healthcare and eldercare plan is me, ruining and shortening the remainder of my goals, dreams and life.
It is far more difficult with family and, yes, the entire world will support that you have no choice. But, you must remember that you’re not here to please the world and the world will not suffer the consequences of what it wants you to do.
I know that, as I age, I may need help to. But, I’m taking care of myself, as best I can, because it isn’t anyone else’s job and I have no right to land a$$ first into someone else’s life, essentially saying, “Guess what? I just landed. So, whatever plans you we’re entertaining for yourself and your kids — are now over.” Surprise!
Lastly, my mother died a few weeks ago. While most would say to pour every dime into her burial, heh, with what she left, she couldn’t even afford a free funeral. So, there’s that, too. No pouring my life into someone else’s life or death, when they didn’t treat me with the respect of another adult human being. I loved her dearly. But, I’m not stupid.
Stick around. Need advice like this.
As I for years suffered from that syndrome (hey, why do we think I became a nurse?).
My suggestion is to forget about it being them and concentrate on the only thing in life you can change--yourself. And on those you have an obligation to--your immediate family.
You may want to consider counseling. When you begin to withdraw from caregiving to give care to your OWN family others will be angry with you. You have for years "made a contract with them" and that was that you gave care and they accept it. They have been fulfilling their part of the bargain. You showed them who you are and they trusted you, believed in you, now count on you. They will be very angry at you indeed and not without good reason.
It is hard to get off the habitual path we are on because -- even when that path is very tough --it is the KNOWN path, and the road not traveled is very very scary.
Get help for yourself. At first it will be tough to withdraw a bit at a time. But they will adjust, and in some cases be the better for it. And YOU will be so much more valued and loved within your own family.
Remember we show people who we are and they believe us.
Remember that we can only change ourselves, not others.
Remember that it isn't them; this was a contract. One you now must break for your own and your family's mental and physical health.
Remember that there is help.
You will always be a caregiver, but there needs to be self-knowledge in this, for your own good.
My heart goes out to you; I can so identify with a much younger self.
One way out is telling them you'd like to move. Maybe to a little apartment in the city, etc. Or, that you'd like to move to a small town nearby and buy your own home. They'll have to arrange for another Caregiving situation.
You're on a dead-end path right now. Your body is telling you that this situation is desperately wrong for you. You're basically throwing your future away. Please don't get caught in that trap.
I agree with the other posters. Whatever you decide will cause major drama, but that's life. In the long run - you'll be better off without all of this unwanted caregiving thrust upon you and focusing on your own life and your child.
It won't be easy. As an only child, I moved all the way across the country by myself (plus pets) when I was in my 20's . It was quite difficult on me, at the time. My parents were furious, but they got over it. My Dad wouldn't talk me for several years. Oh well, that was his problem - not mine.
I spent many, many happy years by myself in my cute little Victorian house that I bought and fixed up. Enjoyed my job & new life. And would do it again if I had my life to live over again.
(I'm also caught in the Caregiving trap now, but I'm in my 60's now and apparently quite stupid in my old age to allow this to happen .... sigh.) But, I've already lived most of my life, with no regrets.
It was a scary road to take, but my parents eventually got over it.
"I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"
No you are not overreacting. This person is being presumptuous.
"No is a one word sentence"
"When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive"
I have done my share of care giving and found I am not a caregiver. I have cared for both grandsons from infancy until Daycare. While caring for the youngest, I had to take my Mom in. He went to Daycare. Caring for Mom was 20 months. Eventually AL which ended up being nice for both of us. I will do no more caregiving unless its my husband.
I have a disabled nephew who can live on his own but needs some overseeing. There are resources out there for the disabled. You need to make it clear to this family member that you will not be caring for her disabled grands. There are resources out there if she can no longer care for them. My nephew gets help with his housing. He can get help with his utilities and food. If the grands are 18 or over, there are group homes. Your family member needs to call her County disabilities office and find out what is out there. Make it clear that she is now having health problems and she needs to set up care for their future. They can get Social security disabilities. Tell her not to wait because once your caring is done with these 3, you will be doing no more caregiving. And you will not be adding to your load. You will be doing for you and your child when ur caring is done. Just because someone thinks you should do doesn't mean your obligated.
All 3 people need care? What do you do? What options do they have?
Yep, they’re out there and they don’t even have to be family, to try to obligate you. They’ll simply entitle themselves to a heaping serving of your life, freely.
Your LOs are not in any unique needs situation. Start researching alternative help for your people. Contact your local area's Agency on Aging, caregiving agencies, social services for their county, etc. If they have financial resources maybe take them to nice care facilities to tour. Wanting to stay living on a farm that they can't maintain themselves but then expecting someone else to take on that burden is what's immoral.
You seem to struggle knowing where your boundaries are. I suggest talking to a therapist who would be objective and can help you identify your life goals, define clear, strong personal boundaries and learn how to defend them so that you can stop being a voluntary doormat. The woman with the special needs grandkid? Tell her, sorry -- you are retiring from the caregiving world. She'll get over it, and then she'll find someone else to assume into that role. So will the other 3. Your child especially needs to have boundaries modeled so that they aren't taken advantage of by others or make poor decisions that have negative impact. Talking to therapist will be worth every penny. Some work on a sliding fee.
Your 3 people are full grown adults who are totally able to come to grips with a change in their care plan. You are not responsible for their happiness. Your child and you are priority. Keep repeating this to yourself. Blessings!
You DO get to plan your own future, by saying 'no' NOW.
In fact, it's time to look into alternate care arrangements for these 3 elderly family members you are living with and move OUT of their house, with your CHILD, and forge a life of your own now. Nobody put this burden on you; you took it on yourself, and that's how you get rid of it: YOURSELF. By saying you simply cannot be caregiving for one more moment; you're burned out and fried to a frazzle and your child is now your #1 priority in life, not elders who need more care than you have in you to give. You are not obligated to care for ANYONE but yourself and your child, that's it.
Take your life back, my friend. Only you have that power. Good luck.
It may require some hard decisions on your part that will not be easy for you to make or easy for your family to accept. In fact, they may not accept it at all and it could end with your family being estranged from you. Estrangement is better than slavery. It's better than sacrificing your life indefinitely and your son's as well because you can't plan any kind of a life.
I understand when people become caregivers out of love and respect or for the sake of financial and material benefit. Or for all the reasons. People's reasons are their own, but in your case it sounds like things have gone too far. You and your son have to establish boundaries with the people you take care of. If those people will not or cannot respect those boundaries you and your son will have to move out and leave them behind.
Speak plainly but kindly to the family member who thinks you will bring up her grandkids. Tell her that you will not be doing it. Those kids did not come from eggs that hatched in a nest one day. It took two people to bring them about into creation and those two also came from people. Tell her to start looking into other branches of their family or families. Do not add an apology either because there's nothing to apologize for.
She might not take you seriously but in order for you to "get the kids" in the event that something happens to her, it will have to be in writing. In legal document that you sign before a lawyer and a witness agreeing that you'll become their custodial guardian. If you refuse to agree to it legally, you will not be responsible for those kids if something happens to her. If you are their only functioning relative the state may try to persuade you, but you don't have to accept.
Like I said sometimes hard decisions about caregiving can lead to estrangement. It's your life though. You don't get back the years sacrificed to caregiving. Think about that.
Start planning for your own life. Then, make it a reality. You may have to have a series of tough discussions with family members about your plans for your future and your child's future. With tact and honesty - and a lot of hard work - you can achieve your goals.
I feel fortunate to be alive at a time where people are starting to realize that while, yes, we may all need care before we pass, the idea of, “Heh, I’m retired and/or elderly so, you’re screwed!”, is beginning to close out.
Understand that, financially, this is the lay of the land. Most people’s income has not kept up for the past 30-40 years. As a result, many cannot afford what our parents did and the picture almost seems to be one of living in your childhood bedroom or a tiny house nearby, to ensure that your parents remain untouched by this reality and while some of these parents seem to look at their children as lazy losers, to which they will leave nothing to, on top of it.
You must think ahead, to know the darkest of what is possible. It can be difficult to see. It was for me as, I didn’t know my mother was a covert, malignant narcissist, until quite late, but I let reality hit her anyway.
Keep it simple; no explanations or excuses; no room for negotiation. Practice saying it in front of a mirror. The next time the 'hint' comes up, just say: "You know I love you and [GCs], but I am not in a position to take on their future care. Every time the 'hint' comes, say the same thing. It works. It really does.
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