As some of you may know, I care for my husband who has Parkinson's Disease and some Parkinson related dementia. I have been caring for him for several years in some capacity, and during the last two years he has been non ambulatory. For the last 6 months he has declined getting out of bed and into his wheelchair with the lift. Even with meds it's too painful for him. He can no longer use utensils, and needs finger snacks to be placed in his hand or directly in his mouth. I do diaper changes and bed baths. I have daily assistance through aids. I have gotten alot out of this forum by reading others' posts and responses. It has strengthened my resolve.
Yesterday I received a call from my SIL who has many medical issues and has been in the hospital and rehab 2 to 3 times in the last year. She knows our situation. She is depressed and stressed at another impending rehab stay after a fall. Her hubby is older than her and can't lift her. He wants her to go in rehab again until she gets stronger and can use a walker or wheelchair. She is refusing.
She asked me if she could come live with us and get in home therapy instead of going to rehab. I was shocked that she asked. After learning from all of you on the forum of the importance of setting boundaries, I felt no guilt in politely but firmly telling her I have enough on my plate caring for her brother. She and her husband need to work this out themselves. She cannot move in.THANKS AGAIN TO ALL OF YOU!
My very close friend is fighting cancer and will be going into hospital shortly for surgery. She's, understandably, frightened, and I've been trying everything to get her to feel positive about the oncology surgeon's belief this has a good chance of blasting the monster to kingdom come!
Anyway, she phoned me to say that she has written everything she wants to happen in the event of her not waking up, including that I take care of her husband 😳
I told her, "That's settled, then - you are definitely beating this cancer because there's no way I'm taking on your husband! You've got no choice - you have to live!"
It made her laugh - I'd forgotten how much I missed it.
Thanks again. My SIL's son just text me tonight and asked the same question on her behalf. He said he thought his mom moving in with us was the plan all along, since his mom and step dad were arguing often, and the argument about rehab was just the last in a string of arguments. He was "sorry I changed my mind". I NEVER made any such plan, and neither did my husband.
I explained that before all of my SIL's hospitalizations and rehab stays started, we offered to have her vacation with us for a few weeks or so. My SIL lives 650 miles away and she and my husband haven't gotten to spend alot of time together. She declined visiting several times.
I used your pearls of wisdom to again state that I am at my capacity caring for my hubby.
I'm sure this is not the last of it. But I plan to stay strong for my own sanity. My husband doesn't need the drama, either. Half the time he doesn't understand situations, but he worried and cried and was agitated when he was told his sister had a mini-stroke a year ago. So I have not informed him of her request and don't plan to.
You put it so nicely. If she brings it up again (which she may), I'll have these new pearl of wisdom to toss back at her. Lol
Thank GOODNESS you understood right away that this cannot be done. You aren't a Saint, but a human with limitations already under such pressure.
There is nothing unloving about saying "I am so dreadfully sorry. There but for the grace of _______" go I am I am afraid of it all the time. But much I love you there is no way I could even even begin to consider loading my plate with more; I am already taxed beyond what I can do. When and if this is ever over for me it will take me the rest of my life to recover".
Thank GOODNESS you know to say no. Sainthood has such an awful job description, really.
So impressed with you! Gratified to think that our forum helped you!