I am starting a new job soon and need to leave home at 7 am. The caregiver would arrive at 7:30 am. Is this against the law? Also I need to go to the grocery store sometimes after I get home and it is only a mile away. I feel like a prisoner in my home if I can't even go pick up a loaf of bread and milk at night.
I'm also amazed some telling you to put your mom in an assisted care. Let me ask you, would your mom rather see your face, in her own surroundings, being at home with you where there's love? Or would she rather be in a facility with strange faces and unfamiliar surrounding with not knowing what kind of care she's receiving?
If you feel you can leave your mother alone for a short period of time, only you can make that decision and don't accept guilt trips from some of the posters here. Live your life in a reasonable way in the real world, you would have your mom's blessing.
Take care.
I have told the caregivers to call us yet they don't. I have also instructed the caregivers not to leave her alone and yet they do.
My suggestion to the person above is to find Elder daycare or hire someone. Universities that have nursing schools possibly could help. It is too risky to leave them by themselves.
I am perfectly comfortable with leaving Mom for those few minutes and will even leave her for a half an hour to run errands.
Of course, the other day when she WASN'T home alone, she thought she was and panicked and called 911... but that's another story.
Anyway, to answer your question, I would have no problem with your schedule and the little bit of time she was alone.. I would add the call button though.
If skilled facility placement is the only viable option, then don't be devastated - make it convenient to you for lots of visiting and involvement in her care, and if it is needed, it's sad but it's needed.
I think this country needs some eldercare family counseling services!
All during the first year, I felt so tortured about having her in a rehab/skilled nursing facility because all I wanted to do was bring her home with 24/7 assistance. In fact, she had (and still has) her own home where she was living completely independently until the stroke occurred. Imagine going from total independence -- driving her car, playing cards with her friends, attending cultural events, going to the movies, running her own life 100% -- to being 100% dependent on others for her every single need. It was (and still is) so surreal, so shocking, so horrific, so sad -- I must say, the "Serenity Prayer" was apparently written for times like this and has given me enormous comfort.
Following her stroke, in the early days, she was rather alert and understood very well what had happened to her. All I wanted to do was given her tons of rehab, thinking that all the physical, occupational, and speech therapy would eventually help her regain enough function to return home (with a caregiving assistant of course). I still had the idea that "being home" would be the best thing for her, I could watch over her, take care of her, protect her, etc., etc. She had also lost her ability to speak as a result of the stroke, and I hired a wonderful music therapist who worked with her for about 8 months. With all this intensive therapy, I felt that surely it was just a matter of time before Mom would make progress toward recovery, and would regain enough function to leave the rehab/nursing facility and finally return home.
I must tell you that it's now been almost two years and my feelings have changed. I now think it would be criminal if I took her OUT of the rehab/skilled nursing facility. Why? For many reasons. But mainly because Mom has come to TRUST the caregivers who assist her and because being at the facility satisfies Mom's need for socialization. It is definitely a hassle to get to the facility so many times a week (it is located over a half hour from me, each way), but I do and therefore, the staff knows me well and I know them well. It makes a big difference. I am in very, very close touch with the staff all the time about my mom's care, and I am physically there, visiting my mom often. (And I have a full-time job AND a part-time job, and two kids living at home!).
But the last thing I want to say is that being in the rehab/nursing facility actually gives Mom many people to interact with each day.... and I now realize how much better this is for HER than for me. I don't mind making the sacrifice one bit (of driving so often to the facility) when I see the look in my mom's eyes whenever the staff comes in her room. She trusts them, appreciates them, loves them -- and sometimes, when she's really really tired and just wants to sleep, she will even gesture for me to leave, which is another clear sign to me that she feels SECURE and SAFE where she is. Imagine what a gift!!
I no longer feel guilty about not being able to care for her at home because I realize that in her condition, she cannot be left alone for even a moment and clearly there is a TEAM of people at the facility who are there specifically to handle any crisis or emergency that arises. Both Mom and I actually now have a lot of peace of mind about this.
Just thought I'd share our story if it provides any inspiration or encouragement to anyone.....
Ask the caregiver if she can be there between 6:45-7:00 am. If not, you might have to start looking for another early bird and pay a little extra. Or quit your job, apply for public assistance, turn your home into a convent, scrounge for loose change all the time, become depressed & bitter, and celebrate Halloween every day of the year.
Nearby churches can be a source of strength when your own isn't enough and excellent places to start looking for or develop a support network. If they're not your cup of tea, just tell them we're all spiritual beings having a human experience.
I hope you will always feel that you can vent with us. Even if you think you overstated your feelings, you needed to vent. I hope things work out better for you soon. Rebecca