I am my wife's caregiver of 10 years. We have been together 23 years. I love her very much. She is 82. I am 16 years younger. I feel so guilty that I have the desire to want this to be over and live my golden years free. I live 1,100 miles from my adult children whom I have not seen in 6 years. I do not go out to dinner, I do not vacation. I am loosing friends and feel isolated. I am responsible for managing her home. I am overweight, depressed and have lost my desire to do my Art and Music. I am not me anymore. I pray for God's strength every day. Please someone... talk to me.
She'd be better off, you'd be better off, and you'd be free to visit with her as much as you like - not changing her diapers, not waiting on her hand and foot - but as her husband and dearest friend.
"Oh, but I promised her - " If that's the case, admit that you didn't fully understand what you were getting into. Realize that you can't do this anymore and deserve a better life. Her illness shouldn't only be about HER. It should also be about YOU. You matter as much as she does.
Whether or not you can continue to give care is almost at this point beside the point, because if you continue to give up everything that makes you you you won't likely last long enough to see your wife through anyway.
As to your dear wife, why would you not be happy to see her torments end.
I, like others here, am curious as to your wife's diagnosis and her prognosis.
Those who give care, those who only STAND WITNESS to the losses of a loved one are almost ALWAYS happy to see them at rest. Why would they wish them continued suffering. Why would they wish to stand witness helplessly to their suffering.
If you think to sacrifice your own life then I think you need to understand that there ust be respite, there must be care help, there must be hobbies and friends and time to spend with them and with perhaps a support group.
Martyring yourself? You aren't a Saint. It's a terrible job description.
I wish you well. Only YOU know what kind of good or bad person you are, and THAT is yours, not ours to judge. But you certainly sound caring to me.
I wish you the best. Please get help. Please understand that in any illness your wife may, given your age and hers, require several shifts of caregivers with several people on both shifts. This isn't sustainable alone and that is part of why you are feeling hopeless.
Caregiving is isolating, and friends who haven’t walked in your shoes don’t really understand how it takes over your life.
Are the kids able to come for visits so that you feel more connected?
Is any sort of respite care possible?
Can your wife be placed into LTC?
You are only 66 years old, and deserve to live a more carefree life. I understand that you love her, but there is no reason to feel guilty. This is an unsustainable situation.
This is a very supportive group. You’ve come to the right place.
Do you have help coming to give you a break ? What care does your wife need ?
Is it possible , (affordable ) for you to have her go to assisted living full time in general , or maybe for a month of respite for you , so you can travel to visit your family ?
I’m sorry . Caregiving is very isolating and loosing friends is common . I wish you could get out to meet up with friends . Have you tried an aide coming in ?
Talk to your children and an\explain you want to see them but this is your situation. Hopefully you can get them to visit even if it is a short weekend here or there. If not try a nursing staff agency as your insurance may pay for a week here and there, so that you may go see your children. Not sure how far your children are located but maybe plan a vacation to meet in one place. Something new for everyone.
I feel for you as I have been there, I literally did volunteer work in the I. The evenings a few times a month and had someone sit with my daughter so I could be me again. Change of scenery, seriously. You cannot be your own support system. Best of wishes.
Please find ways to start living again. You can start today.
Of course you want the situation to be over. Your wife may, as well, although she may not be able to express it. Realistically, however, that may not happen anytime soon. So, as others here have suggested, consider hiring in-home help so that you can leave the house or placing her in memory care. Eldercare is jaw-droppingly expensive, I realize. There are programs to help low-to-moderate-income elders, although many of us are among the "forgotten" in that we will need financial help but are not "poor enough"--yet.
Ten years is a l-o-n-g time to be a solo caregiver. You could have at least 20 years of life remaining, and you deserve to live them.
Hire some in home help for your wife who can give you respite to enjoy the things you love again. See your doctor for your mental health issues. I believe you CAN have a life of your own without entirely giving up the caregiving for your wife. But only if you want to.
Good luck.
I think the OP was expecting love because he was in love. It's not logical.
My first husband's aunt married a man almost 20 years younger than herself. They were married for years and had a good life together. He died about ten years before she did.
The OP has care options. You're right about being able to have a life and still do some of the wife's caregiving. There needs to be some plans put in place and that happens.