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I am my wife's caregiver of 10 years. We have been together 23 years. I love her very much. She is 82. I am 16 years younger. I feel so guilty that I have the desire to want this to be over and live my golden years free. I live 1,100 miles from my adult children whom I have not seen in 6 years. I do not go out to dinner, I do not vacation. I am loosing friends and feel isolated. I am responsible for managing her home. I am overweight, depressed and have lost my desire to do my Art and Music. I am not me anymore. I pray for God's strength every day. Please someone... talk to me.

Why must you remain her caregiver? Is there some reason why she can't be in a care facility where she'll have a 24/7 team of professionals to take care of her?

She'd be better off, you'd be better off, and you'd be free to visit with her as much as you like - not changing her diapers, not waiting on her hand and foot - but as her husband and dearest friend.

"Oh, but I promised her - " If that's the case, admit that you didn't fully understand what you were getting into. Realize that you can't do this anymore and deserve a better life. Her illness shouldn't only be about HER. It should also be about YOU. You matter as much as she does.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Please look into placing her in assisted living, memory care, or whatever is suitable. Meet with an Elder Care attorney to work on how to divide and protect assets to do this, if necessary. Ask your children to come and visit. 1100 miles is just a few hours on a plane. And please talk to your doctor about anti-depressants, as well as looking into therapy. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
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Reply to MG8522
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Please seek therapy. The fact that you have given up friends, family, hobbies, your art and music indicates that you are severely depressed.

Whether or not you can continue to give care is almost at this point beside the point, because if you continue to give up everything that makes you you you won't likely last long enough to see your wife through anyway.

As to your dear wife, why would you not be happy to see her torments end.
I, like others here, am curious as to your wife's diagnosis and her prognosis.
Those who give care, those who only STAND WITNESS to the losses of a loved one are almost ALWAYS happy to see them at rest. Why would they wish them continued suffering. Why would they wish to stand witness helplessly to their suffering.

If you think to sacrifice your own life then I think you need to understand that there ust be respite, there must be care help, there must be hobbies and friends and time to spend with them and with perhaps a support group.
Martyring yourself? You aren't a Saint. It's a terrible job description.
I wish you well. Only YOU know what kind of good or bad person you are, and THAT is yours, not ours to judge. But you certainly sound caring to me.

I wish you the best. Please get help. Please understand that in any illness your wife may, given your age and hers, require several shifts of caregivers with several people on both shifts. This isn't sustainable alone and that is part of why you are feeling hopeless.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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No, you are not a bad person. You’re worn down by 10 years of caregiving. I’ve just emerged from a 10-year marathon myself, and am working very hard to get my life back. Just like you, I don’t know who I am anymore.

Caregiving is isolating, and friends who haven’t walked in your shoes don’t really understand how it takes over your life.

Are the kids able to come for visits so that you feel more connected?

Is any sort of respite care possible?

Can your wife be placed into LTC?

You are only 66 years old, and deserve to live a more carefree life. I understand that you love her, but there is no reason to feel guilty. This is an unsustainable situation.

This is a very supportive group. You’ve come to the right place.
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Reply to Danielle123
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You are not a bad person at all . We all have our limits . 10 years is a long time .

Do you have help coming to give you a break ? What care does your wife need ?
Is it possible , (affordable ) for you to have her go to assisted living full time in general , or maybe for a month of respite for you , so you can travel to visit your family ?

I’m sorry . Caregiving is very isolating and loosing friends is common . I wish you could get out to meet up with friends . Have you tried an aide coming in ?
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Reply to waytomisery
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OMG, you're not a bad person. You need a break. Do you have hired homecare to help with your wife? If not it's certainly something to consider. Placing your wife in a long term care facility is also an option. You don't deserve to be living in such misery. No one does. You love your wife, buy you deserve to have a life that isn't soley about her care needs.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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You absolutely must take care of your needs. First call your insurance company to see what they will cover for assistance. Call your local senior citizen groups. This is good if you can recruit some new friends for you or your wife. Maybe someone to sit with her for your time off.
Talk to your children and an\explain you want to see them but this is your situation. Hopefully you can get them to visit even if it is a short weekend here or there. If not try a nursing staff agency as your insurance may pay for a week here and there, so that you may go see your children. Not sure how far your children are located but maybe plan a vacation to meet in one place. Something new for everyone.
I feel for you as I have been there, I literally did volunteer work in the I. The evenings a few times a month and had someone sit with my daughter so I could be me again. Change of scenery, seriously. You cannot be your own support system. Best of wishes.
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Reply to Tiggs82
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I agree with others who have replied. You deserve your own life and happiness. I think even six months is too long for a person to spend isolated doing nothing but caretaking. I would not want that for my husband if I were incapacitated and I know I would not be able or willing to do it myself either, and we love each other a lot. I also would not want to go six years without seeing my adult child or even one year and I hope he feels the same.

Please find ways to start living again. You can start today.
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Reply to Suzy23
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There is some good input here, Invisible, and I hope you will find a way to regain some enjoyment in life. You are 66 and your wife is 82. Such a wide age gap isn't a problem until it is, usually later in life. Speaking from experience (I'm 88 and my husband of 47 years is 95) a LOT can happen to people physically and sometimes mentally between their mid-60s and early-80s. My abilities are very different now than they were 15 years ago; so are my husband's.

Of course you want the situation to be over. Your wife may, as well, although she may not be able to express it. Realistically, however, that may not happen anytime soon. So, as others here have suggested, consider hiring in-home help so that you can leave the house or placing her in memory care. Eldercare is jaw-droppingly expensive, I realize. There are programs to help low-to-moderate-income elders, although many of us are among the "forgotten" in that we will need financial help but are not "poor enough"--yet.

Ten years is a l-o-n-g time to be a solo caregiver. You could have at least 20 years of life remaining, and you deserve to live them.
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Reply to ElizabethAR37
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I'm curious what you were expecting when marrying a woman 16 years older than you? What would you want for yourself if the tables were turned?

Hire some in home help for your wife who can give you respite to enjoy the things you love again. See your doctor for your mental health issues. I believe you CAN have a life of your own without entirely giving up the caregiving for your wife. But only if you want to.

Good luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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BurntCaregiver Mar 29, 2025
@lealonnie

I think the OP was expecting love because he was in love. It's not logical.

My first husband's aunt married a man almost 20 years younger than herself. They were married for years and had a good life together. He died about ten years before she did.

The OP has care options. You're right about being able to have a life and still do some of the wife's caregiving. There needs to be some plans put in place and that happens.
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