I am 52. My mother is 76. She has not been formerly diagnosed by a doctor, but through blood tests we do know she carries two copies of the APOE ε4 gene. She's been showing signs of cognitive decline since the beginning of 2022. In late 2022, we went to an attorney to update her living will and to make me DPOA (medical + financial).
Mom has a bad habit of buying a home, remodeling (all DIY), enjoying the upgrades for a few months, then selling. The maximum amount of time she spends in a home is about 3 years (it's a running joke in my family how long she'll stay every time she purchases a home). She's been doing this for at least the past 20 years.
With her last house I really had hoped she was done moving, especially because she kept saying, "This is my last house until I move into assisted living." Well, true to form, in May 2024 after being in her home only 2.5 years, she started talking about selling. All her wealth (which isn't a lot) is 100% tied up in the equity of her home. Her social security is good at $2,900, but she blows it all on Amazon and Temu crap, so she has no money in savings. Knowing this, I was keenly aware she wouldn't have the money it takes to move (earnest money on a new place, hiring movers, paying for repairs to her home requested by buyers, etc.). I tried to tell her this, but she wouldn't listen.
In May of 2024, I also noticed an uptick in her Dementia symptoms: losing things, repeating herself, significant weight loss, not following through on doctors appointments, etc. Because of this and the fact she had no savings, I didn't want her to move. I knew a move would likely push her over the edge. However, she kept insisting. My husband and I told her we would loan her the money to move if she at least moved closer to us. She was one city over, 45 minutes away and we both work demanding fulltime jobs. She agreed and we started looking at houses 15 minutes away from us.
By mid-October 2024 we put her house up for sale and it sold within 57 days. I took on 100% of the stress in the sale of her house + purchase of the new one. I worked with her realtor because Mom couldn't make complex decisions. I decided it best if she stuck to packing and I'd do the rest, which I literally did. For example, it never crossed her mind to have her mail forwarded or to get homeowners insurance on her new place. Mom moved into an older townhome in January 2025.
The first 3 weeks in Mom's new place was awesome. She was so happy and I was taking her to doctors appointments, just like I had planned. All was well! I was glad to have her close so that I could help more. Then all hell broke loose.
She kept asking me for a detailed accounting of what she owed us for the move. So, I put together a spreadsheet and gave it to her. Things have never been the same since. Even though the list was itemized, she still couldn't believe it cost that much to move: $2,000 for movers, $1,800 for repairs for her old house, etc. The total she owed was around $8,000.
She started paying us back (I told her to take her time), but every single time she ran across the spreadsheet, she got angrier and angrier. It got to the point where she was barely talking to me, would turn her back when I'd drop by for a visit, refused to look me in the eye. All the while being flabbergasted daily at the moving costs!
Then one day earlier this month I get a phone call from her realtor. He asks if everything is OK because my mom called him (and said not to tell me) saying she wants to sell the townhome that she'd only been in for 2.5 months! She got angry with HIM over the cost of moving, so she decided moving, again, would be the answer!
My husband and I then went to an elder law attorney to ask how to enforce the POA. He said if Mom is resistant or combative (oh, is she ever!), then we'd probably have to pursue guardianship. No way!
It's 2 weeks since she's spoken to me. Am I wrong to not contact her?
Realize though, Medicaid goes back 5 years and they will want that townhouse sold for Market Value.
Yeah, any honest realtor would realize fairly quickly that they shouldn't work with her due to the cognitive decline. I've heard through the grape vine that Mom is now considering renting a place with her best friend, which might not be a bad thing. It was actually an idea I threw out to her early on last May when she first started talking about selling THAT house. I said, "Why don't you move in with Dorothy?" She's the same age as Mom and lives alone in a 3,000 sf home. Of course, Mom pooh-poohed the idea at the time.
Yeah, about that Medicaid look back period . . . when my husband and I took Mom in November 2022 to update her living will and POA, we put her house in a trust and the lawyer explained to us about the look back period.
At one point years ago she was paying into a LTC policy. But she ended up stopping the payments because she wanted a bit more spending money in her pocket. Uggh. Not a good decision in my opinion.
You need to get Mom to her doctor. Tell her Medicare is requiring it. She needs a good physical. Labs will show any problems with her numbers. Have the doctor do a cognitive test. Write a short list of things you see and add you want a cognitive test done. Give it to the receptionist to give to the doctor. It will help him ask Mom the correct question. If Dementia is found, then I would take her to see a Neurologist to find out what type you will be dealing with. Knowing the type will help with getting her the right medication.
If she is dead set on moving, tell her you won't be helping. This means no help with the realtor or setting up the move. Inform her realtor you suspect Dementia. They really should not allow her to sign any contracts.
One sign of Dementia is fixating on one thing. I think Moms next move will be to Assisted Living. She should not live alone.
Oh, yes, she's deadset on moving. She does this every 3 years or so and I know the signs very well. I am certain that she will not change her mind since she's already decided she hates her townhome. She hasn't been back in touch with her original realtor who helped her sell her former home. This is good because Mom put both me and him through hell during that sale. Things like after the house was on the market for only 1 day, she was upset she hadnt yet received an offer and wanted to pull the listing. She has no sense of time and probably thought it had been on the market for months! That realtor was an absolute angel to put up with her antics. He had helped her sell and buy yet another home in 2021 (before she started to decline) and often commented to me during the latest transaction that she had changed so much and he was glad I was helping her out.
The problem now, of course, is that from her phone log I can see she is contacting other realtors on a daily basis, so she's definitely on the hunt! I simply don't have the time to call them all and warn them. I tried that before and I couldn't keep up!
Hopefully her doc appointment this coming Wednesday will be a success. Her doctor knows about her memory loss and plans to do cognitive testing at the time.
I wouldn't spend any more energy on second-guessing what is now in the past. You did the best that you could with the knowledge you had, under the circumstances.
I read that you are considering resigning PoA. Before you do that, I would attempt to get her DL cancelled. How I did it with my Mom was to tell her it was time for her free annual Medicare wellness check. Then I preemptively put a BRIEF note in her medical portal outlining the goal of that appointment: to get a formal diagnosis of cognitive impairment sufficient to require the management of her PoA; and to get her to stop driving.
At that appointment (and I stayed in the room for all of it) she failed the cog & memory test, and then the Doc had a very good discussion about her driving (at 95-yrs old) and that she was ordering a virtual assessment through the OT department. My Mom went to that appointment to prove she was still a good driver, but she failed the 30 questions MoCA test for executive function (judgment) and the physical reaction time. The OT then explained she was too high a risk to drive and was sending the report of her results to her primary doc who is a mandated reporter and would then send it to the Dept of Public Safety who would then cancel her license (it came in letter form and my Mom hid it from me, hid the keys, and hid her car title). I kept reminding her that driving without a license is illegal.
Then continue to look for that spread sheet to throw it out. Your Mom needs meds for her depression and anxiety. She probably now has some paranoia, all part of dementia. You might want to have her phone "break" then get her a new RAZ mobiity phone that looks like a smart phone but you control everything on your own phone: who she can call, who calls her. No internet access. This phone stopped my Mom from incessantly calling customer service lines when her appliances were "broken or defective" (but she was forgetting how to use them) and also calling neighbors to do things for her (I live next door to her).
Acceptance takes a while. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You will need to make the decision about how much you are willing to undertake to get her to a place of appropriate care -- whether it's you or a court-assigned legal guardian.
Please know that even if YOU became her guardian, it is still very difficult to get a totally resistant adult to do things in their best interests. She will probably literally fight you off. Something to ponder on this journey.
In the 8 page letter I sent to her doctor, I did mention her potentially being depressed. I did that because she's great at showboating and can convince even the biggest skeptic that she's "just fine."
Before this all blew up, Mom was complaining that none of her friends ever called her. I suggested she reach out to them, which was met with a "I'm too busy with my new house" reply. However, AFTER the blow up, she has been spending literally hours on the phone with several different friends, no doubt complaining about me. I guess it's a good thing she's at least talking with them now!
Oh, yes, my mom also spends a good amount of time calling customer service numbers for help with "broken" appliances, internet connection, cellphone functionality, etc. I've told her a million times to call me, instead. Never happens.
I have thought about calling the DMV about her driving. I will see what her GP says about it during her upcoming annual physical.
I now realize that she'll continue to be resistant regardless if I have POA or gain guardianship. I have no interest in the latter. I think she'd do much better in the hands of someone else or the state.
Thanks, again, for your response. It is very helpful.
You've done so much and if you'd like to resign the POA, I think that's understandable.
It sounds like you have to let this go, she seems determined to have her way regardless of the destruction she causes. Eventually she will be stopped when people realize she’s not competent to handle her business and she can’t get any more credit. Hopefully at that point she’ll be more amenable to the care she needs. Her telling you not to accompany her to the doctor is an indication she knows things are not right (but she wants to hide it).
I would resign POA and not pursue guardianship. I don’t see how guardianship would help the situation when she’s so uncooperative. You obviously care so much so this will be difficult. But sadly it doesn’t seem like she’ll allow you to help.
I think you should go with your mother to her check-up next week. Probably the best thing would be to arrive at the office separately from her. If she objects when she sees you, you could go outside until she's in the exam room with the doctor.
Contact the staff again before the appointment and tell them you are seriously worried about her cognitive issues, and would like the doctor to explore this to the extent that he can, for her safety. Then while she's in the exam (if she won't relent and let you go with her), just be honest with the staff and tell them you are very concerned and would appreciate any follow-up that's possible within their policies. It's possible that at some point earlier she signed forms agreeing to let them share her medical information with you. (If you're lucky, when she sees you there she may forget the hard feelings and let you speak with the doctor also or accompany her into the exam room.)
Also, I assume the realtor can tell that she's not capable of making rational decisions, and will decline participating in her attempts to sell?
I very much doubt if you will win guardianship as she has never been, in all of this time, adequately assessed nor adjudged as incompetent. Apparently the attorney has not told you what you require to get her assessed, to declare her legally incompetent, and to pursue guardianship without doing that? That is way having your carts before the horses.
Do you truly believe that under the law your mother is currently incompetent?
If you do, she needs assessing before the court and your POA needs to be put in place to manage ALL finances.
If she isn't, you should resign and don't take this on again.
I was POA and trustee for the most gentle, kind, well organized and agreeable man ever and it was STILL a huge job.
I would NEVER agree to serve in this capacity for someone incompetent.
Step away. You will eventually get the "phone call from coroner or hospital". Then she can be assessed or buried, whichever comes first. Then as next of kin, you can be assigned as her temporary guardian and she can be placed. IF YOU WISH IT SO. For myself? Nope. I would just let her go. Call APS when needed. Let the state take guardianship. She has gone through everything anyway. Nothing left to lose but her life, and perhaps she'd rather lose it THIS WAY than in a safe and sound nursing home for the sad duration.
I, too, am leaning towards resigning POA. I am so tired and I have been losing clumps of hair since October from the stress. I just don't want to battle with her like this all the time. I had no foresight that it would get to this point, otherwise I would have never agreed to be POA.
The lawyer actually did say before guardianship is to be pursued that I'd need to have her professionally evaluated. I did tell him Mom had an appointment already set up in April, but I was really only interested at the time in enforcing the POA. The attorney was the one who said if she is resisting, then we'd have to go for guardianship, which I am not interested in at all!
Would she be considered incompetent in a court of law? Maybe not quite yet, but she's well on her way. She can still do all her daily living tasks. However, I could list a thousand things she has done that highlight her memory deficiencies. Some small things: after 2.5 months in her new house, she still needs to use GPS to drive to the Walmart that's only 1 mile away. She double paid a recent credit card bill To the tune of $4k. She hired a handyman to install a doggie door, which he did. Then she wondered why he never came over to do the work. She forgot what # her mailbox is, then misplaced the key. She has about 50 packets of instant potatoes and 10 huge containers of mayonnaise And she keeps buying more. Her 3 small dogs are severely overweight bevause she forgets she has already fed them. I doubt any of these examples make her incompetent in a court of law, but you get the picture.
At one point in her life, Mom was very organized. That is no longer the case. Gentle and kind are definitely NOT words I'd ever use to describe my mom! She once told me matter of factly that had she not had kids (me and 1 estranged brother) she would have climbed the corporate ladder and become a CEO. Nice, huh? I guess we ruined her grand life plan.
I've never been interested in an inheritance. My husband and I have very good jobs and have saved enough to retire early. I just really only ever wanted to protect her finances since it was clear to me that she's making unwise decisions surrounding money.
She has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want my help and she doesn't think she has anything wrong with her memory. When the poop hit the fan 2 weeks ago, she actually blamed ME for her wanting to move! I couldn't believe my ears and had to remind her that moving was her idea and that I had tried to talk her out of it, but to no avail. I also told her it gets very costly when she insists on moving every 2 to 3 years.
Thank you, again, Alva, for taking the time to leave a thoughtful response. The funny thing is that I think she'd really like assisted living. People love her and she likes making new friends. But, I can't bring up the subject because "those places are for old people."
I guess I need to permanently step back and let her live life on her own terms.
And I promise I was upfront with her, OMG, was I ever. Both her realtor and I kept her in the loop on everything. We had a group text going and met several times (the three of us) in person to go over details. Even if I hadn't told her anything, for a woman who moves every 3 years, she was well aware of the costs. And her long term memory is fine. She still remembers the exact date she moved into her last home and the cost of that home, so no one can say she doesn't remember how much it costs to move.
Out of that $4,200 remaining that you ask about, $2,000 of it was the earnest money put down on her new townhome. Another $1,800 was money given to the buyers of her home to purchase a new washer and dryer. In their offer on her home, they asked to keep the fridge + washer / dryer. She didn't care about the fridge, but absolutely would not give up the washer / dryer (which were an expensive set), so we gave the buyers $1,800 to purchase their own set. The real estate deal would have fallen through hadn't we done this, unfortunately. The remainder of the money went to pay for the inspection on her new home plus some miscellaneous items she asked me to buy for her. She knew about all of this - I showed her all of the bills and invoices when they'd come in. I would ask each time if she wanted to put them on her credit card, and she would tell me she couldn't because her credit balance was only $1,000.
When she started talking about moving back in May 2024, I tried to convince her until I was blue in the face that she shouldn't due to the cost and stress. I kept her from putting her home on the market for a few months until I couldn't keep her from doing it any longer and we listed it in October 2024.
I did everything in my power to get my mother what she wanted. She had a $120,000 mortgage on her last home. With the new townhome, she was able to pay cash and now she no longer has the debt of a mortgage, which is money back in her pocket. She wanted to downsize and went from a 1750sf home to a 1200sf one. She wanted a home with little to no yard. This home has a small front yard taken care of by the HOA and a small backyard for her dogs. I don't know what else I could have done to make her happy. She was going to move whether I facilitated it with a loan or not. She was either going to be in debt with the bank or me. There was no way around that.
You may need to “ make nice “ , for her to cooperate . Try getting her to the primary doctor for “ required Medicare check up “ . Perhaps her primary is willing to do a mini cog test . Give the doc a heads up before hand of what is going on .
Good Luck .
She actually does already have her annual physical set up with her GP next week. Mom's been telling me for a few weeks now that I don't need to attend because she is "fine." After this latest incident, I definitely won't be going with her now.
I called the GP's nurse quite awhile ago (before this all blew up) and told her I was concerned about Mom's memory decline. The doctor has agreed to do a cognitive test during that appointment, calling it "routine care."
And why were you not upfront with your mom about the cost of the move as things popped up? If the move only cost $2000, and the repairs to her old home only $1800, where was the additional $4200 spent?
I would be upset too, if someone was spending my money and not telling me upfront where it was going and why.
Perhaps if you'd been upfront all along you would not now be in this position. I think you need to own your part in this situation and make amends with your mom who you wanted closer to you, because if in fact she does have the start of some kind of dementia she will now need you more than ever.