Am I in the wrong? Long story. Need advice or reassurance.

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Am I in the wrong? Long story. Need advice or reassurance.

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This is a lot. I am going to try to keep it straight forward. I have been needing somewhere to talk about this. I have been reading over the forum the last couple days. Here is my situation:
I have been estranged from my side of the family for about 10 years. My mother died when I was 13 and I became a ward of my Uncle. He owns a duplex which my Great Aunt "rents" one half. I left a month after high school because of the toxic family dynamics I was under and moved in with my now fiancée and her family. Their family dynamics are not perfect either but were a lot healthier than mine.
About 2 years ago my uncle had begun reaching out and asking for assistance with my Great Aunt. The odd thing is every time he did and I say sure whenever, when, where? Give me details? He then just tells me never mind he is doing it and hangs up or stops responding to texts.
Well come the start of 2024 and he ramped up asking. Explained he wanted me to get approved to be a PCA for her. I agreed and told him I could do whatever he needs me to. It wasn't until July he sent me a link to apply for an agency. It took until the end of the year Dec. For me to get fully approved with them unfortunately.
Well I am now approved to be her PCA. After setting a schedule I had to call cops for welfare check and file an APS report my second day.
My Great Aunts living conditions are deplorable. Urine/feces clothes everywhere from both her and her dog, mild hoarding, shelves blocking exits, microwave clearly having gone through small fires, sink completely over ran and backed up with dishes forcing her to use paper plates or plastic cups, unbathed, admitting to self-neglecting to gain attention, wants a cleaner environment as things are broken and lots of old broken appliances or furniture she wants replaced but goes unheard, simple OTC med ailments gone unheard, having to beg her doctor to cut her nails, freezing all her food scared it will go bad before she gets more, clearly stating she has been abandoned and estranged by family many times, explains she's upset how her trust money is being spent and a slew of more in only the few times I've been there.
My problem is my Uncle and the rest of the family is trying to intimidate me into feeling I am over reacting. That she just has dementia, this is all normal and I am being crazy. It hurts because I can see a lot of the emotional stress she is dealing with is similar to what I dealt with when I was his ward and he was in charge of my money/life too. I see she is getting old and forgetful but a lot of her frustrations seem to stem from clear neglect and abandonment. They use her anger or outbursts as an excuse to ignore her... which is like they did to me too.
I just... I have no idea where to go from here. After filing my report with my work they said they will file the APS for me. I have resumed no contact but am having trouble eating or sleeping knowing she's living like that. I did clean her sink and counter and all her dishes but plastics when I was there because I couldn't stand the thought of leaving it like that.
My Uncle is acting like me following my federal guidelines from my agency and also my virtues for the dignity of my Great Aunt are being exaggerated. He is clearly burnt out but is failing to hear my side or even respect I might have a valid opinion.
I have been doing a lot of care for family and friends. My fiancée broke her back and couldn't walk for 3 years. I have even had a foster daughter. I have a lot of experience in caring for people, animals and plants and just like it is my whole personality to be a care giver. My Uncle doesn't know me and says I've been gone so I don't understand.
I do understand, I understand it is inhumane to leave a woman living like that, regardless of how they treat you. Even criminals don't live in squalor.
Do I wait for APS to call me after my job makes the report? Should I call them? Am I a horrible person for resuming no contact for my sanity?

Elder Abuse Power of Attorney (POA) Relationships

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I think you need to make a report to APS, remember your uncle is the one that hired the agency, so they will try to keep their client.

Call APS today!

Go no contact with toxic family members for life, they aren't gonna change.

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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

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My agency actually seemed very appauled and we're incredibly polite and considerate. They have been a blessing through this. I am glad I joined them and did not do this without them as that was looking like the prior arrangement he was trying to set up. It seems theyll likely help me get another client as they really liked me and my background. Again I was willing to work with him on helping her have the care she needs but he is refusing to work with me saying she doesnt want the help through she clearly states to me she does but its just hard to accept which yeah of course it is. I agree I probably should have stayed low contact now after all this. After this I most likely will go no contact and never look back. They bullied me and contributed to a lot of mental hurdles I go through daily but prior to this I excused it as me being a trouble child and not on them. After all the advice from this forum I have decided I will give APS a call on Monday directly. I will ask if they recieved my report through my job, ask if they've done their interview yet and provide any extra details I have been jotting down as they appear. I just really love my Great Aunt. My grandmother died before I was born and she really became that, I even call her Grandma. She was always a gem to me (rude to family and a bit strict but you get what you give) she is only rude to me over obvious stuff to be upset about. She took me in when I was a baby for awhile and I still have vague memories of her caring for me even at that young of an age. My mother was a teenage pregnancy and couldn't raise me right for awhile. She did for about 2 years, in the very early part of my life. I honestly was trying to just do a justice for her to repay her for the kindness she showed me back then. She has helped care and raise a lot of my family to be where they are now and it is really sad to see none of them appreciate her enough to ignore when she's being ungrateful now when they do help. I'd be rude too if no one was listening and just doing what they want with me and my stuff and acting like I'm too crazy to know better. She's an incredibly smart and creative woman with a lot of experience and stories. She herself was a PCA for her own mother until her death at 76 and as well as many others in the community for many years. She will be 76 in Feb. And it hurts me that shell be the oldest woman in our family besides her mother she had got to 76... I felt a strong duty to step up and help her get passed that hypothetical age hurdle in our families history. She expressed to me she understands I am doing what I have to for her and she appreciates it. I am happy she trusted me, I'm happy she confided in me, I wish I could do more, I'll do everything I can, but I will refuse to enable the poor patterns and dynamics that have gotten her here. It's just me going no contact feels like I am apart of doing the same thing the rest of the family was, abandoning her. I do know I am not though, especially with all this advice. I am not adbaoning her, I am doing what is best for me so I can do what is best for her. She will love and thank me in the long run I hope. Everyone's input has helped me get through this tough day including yours so thank you so much.

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My advice is to call APS at once.

You already knew this was a toxic family situation.
Caregivers who keep taking on this role is often a way of trying to make one feel worthy. It isn't a good way to make a life. I would seek counseling for yourself; your history deserves that so that you can make a decent life in which your own mental well being isn't dependent on being slave to others.

I cannot imagine why you returned to it and why you agreed to be PCA.
Time to resign that, and time to report the situation to Uncle as your resignation. Also report to the authorities as a "senior at risk" and then step away.

The family was a mess from the word "go". You are an adult. It is time now to make best decisions for your own life. To me that would be an education and a good job that makes you the slave to no one, and not dependent on others for your own job or well being. To get involved with a fiancé with ALSO a problematic family? That is a two-fer that I hope n more children are brought into this mess; that will pay forward this chaos generationally; it isn't fair to little ones.

You have decisions to make.
I trust you to make the best decision for your own life. It is for certain that you will either pay the consequences of the decision or reap the rewards. It took me YEARS to get my RN; didn't happen until I was in my 40s. But once I had that license there is no one that could hold me prisoner to circumstance, and nowhere I couldn't live and make a decent salary. I worked all the time I studied and earned my RN. If I can do it then anyone can do it. It takes drive and determination. Stop wasting that on those who don't deserve it.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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I returned having no idea the situation I was coming back to. I was hoping my childhood experiences were me overreacting and being a troubled child. My partner has been with me since we were 10, they are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life and despite their family having issues it has never come close to what I dealt with prior. Needing issues in her family is her parents had relationship issues they've since resolved and her brother stupidly had two twin girls with a woman who left him to care for them alone so he needed a lot of help. I understand he traumas and help her through anything her family has done as she helps me. We have really been each other's rocks through a lot of being ignored and unheard already. It is only recently we have begun our own life after going through our trials of helping others and having a car accident where she broke her back and couldn't walk for years. So many things added up to me just honestly not having a clue and even when I did return I was just trying to agree and see the excuses my family were saying. My fiancees family is actually incredibly supportive about what I am doing and said they can help in any way they can and that I'm doing the right thing. I just really wanted unbiased sources. I don't want to be in a situation where I am letting my biased relationships fuel me in saying something is wrong when it isn't. Unbiased people like yourself sharing your opinion with me has helped back to my few convos I've had with people in person and I am thankful for that. I actually wanted to be an RN for a long time but life and helping other has gotten the best of me. I have only recently begun being firm on my opinions and boundaries thanks to a foster daughter I have helped. I believe all the experiences I have had thus far in my life has placed me I the perfect position to be the individual I am to be able to help her and I am thankful for that. I am also thankful because as you stated I never thought about care giver professionally even though J have been doing it for years myself. I was and still am very excited for the opportunity to help others, gain some better finances and hopefully return back down my path of education I once was. Hearing you got RN at 40 is invigorating to me someone who thought my childhood dreams were beyond me. Thank you. Also I do art as a "career" in-between the times I've been used for personal care or nanny services but have never had time to fully pursue and this last year ignored entirely trying to get set up for all this and making time to assist. The thing that upsets me the most is my Uncle has no children or other responsibilties besides two cats and his wife. He's upgraded his entire life but has estranged me and neglects her despite having plenty of resources while I have little to none.

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Kelsey,

Just wanted to pop in and say how much I admire your clarity and strength to do the right thing for all parties involved.
For you to set appropriate personal and professional boundaries. For your Aunt by getting her help via APS immediately. And even for your genetic family that needs to learn that abusing others for their own agenda simply won't work.

Keep protecting yourself and know that you absolutely have done all the right and ethical things. I agree that no contact with your genetic family is the right choice, rather than listening to them heaping guilt and abuse on you.
Just move on with your own promising life.

Very best to you.

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Reply to LostinPlace

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Man, that is such an empowering response! Not going to lie I haven't slept or ate much ans have been stuck in analysis paralysis. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt in my actions and my reactions towards my disapproval with the situation but words like yours really do help me snap back to reality. I really do love my family, all parties involved and just want what's best for all of them. I'm confused why they haven't found alternative routines to her care if it has become such a burden to all of them and as others have stated feel maybe they pulled me back in because they themselves are ashamed to admit they are struggling with the situation.

I honestly was doing everything in my power to understand and give grace. I over looked a lot at first but after receiving the responses I have towards just trying to get her the help she needs I'm am just really concerned.

I will continue to hold my boundaries and be strong and will use responses like yours to advocate for myself and her during this. Thank you.

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You sound like a very caring decent human and you did exactly the right thing and I don't blame you for going no contact again. It must have been traumatizing to see your great aunt like that. I dont think you overreacted at all and he is gaslighting you.

I would contact APS again so to reinforce the urgency here. I've never had experience with them specifically but I do know that 9 out 10 stuff does not get done unless there is a follow up call made.

Good luck, I pray they come out and take action quickly before there is a tragic accident or worse.

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Reply to casole

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Thank you so much for your prayers. It's difficult to seek advice from strangers on a sensitive topic like this. Your words have been valuable to me continuing to rationalize that I did nothing wrong. I appreciate your suggestion to call APS on my own terms as it sounds they've been there before but did nothing because my Uncle overshadowed. It takes 72 hours for them to try to make contact and investigate, today is the mark of those hours. I most likely will call them Monday if I do not hear back from anyone. I financially placed myself in a bind to accept this job position and unfortunately have to get back in touch with my agency and find a client I can work with to avoid sinking myself further in the hole. She was supposed to be my main client, but just.. yeah not anymore. I will help her, but not if my Uncle is involved. He is just too dismissive and I believe you are right gaslighting me. It just hurts I'm going to have to go help another person while my Great Aunt is suffering. It was pretty traumatic given my prior personal traumas and I believe I am going to look into some counseling for this. I just really needed some validation from unbiased others outside the situation that yeah it's not okay she's like that so really, thank you.

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If you are an employee with the agency, you report the abuse to your boss and they report it to APS. It is part of your job to do light housekeeping. But first allow APS to investigate. Take lots of pictures.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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I took pictures right after starting to do the dishes because I realized i shouldnt fix it without evidence but that was it. I left everything else as is and have gone no contact. [I didn't even mop her floor, I feel so bad] I did contact my employer that day and they asked if I wanted to file the report or them and I being in analysis paralysis asked them to for me. It has been a couple days now and I have compartmentalized a lot and have just been trying to take notes of anything that I may have forgot to report on my generalized report to my job that they will use to file the report. The report is still pending through my job and I am just having a hard time returning my life to "normal" and rethinking if I should contact APS myself also or if my report through my job is enough and I should just wait for someone to contact me. Regardless I appreciate the response

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Stick to your guns. The family, especially the uncle, know they are wrong but don't care. Probably they reached out to you because they knew an unrelated person would turn them in and he/they hoped that you could be brainwashed or intimidated into keeping quiet. And/or that they could blame you if the situation came to light. Stick to your guns and don't let them get away with it! Don't let them intimidate or gaslight you as they have done to your great-aunt. You can be a life-changing blessing to her. Stay out of their drama and just focus on getting her the help she needs from the people who have authority to stop this neglect. (I assume you are a mandated reporter? If so you can use that when they attack you. It would be illegal as well as an ethical violation for you to not report.)

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Reply to MG8522

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I have been gone and know they've all resented me for it so them hating me is not an issue. They can all be mad if they want. I kind of had a feeling that is what was going on but was just trying to give them all grace. Lives can be busy but I do know regardless they could have put systems in place to keep her in a better state while they are busy, not just let her be isolated and confused. It seems all they kept responding to me is I just don't understand how hard it is to be them, but I never heard them consider how hard it is to be her. If I was a 76 year old lady there is no way I'd want my family treating me the way they are treating her, or treating someone who is coming to help the way they are either. They have difficulties with her because of her cognitive decline but I don't see that as an excuse to let her suffer. She can't even comprehend the environment, she just says "yeah that's how it is. Don't help me" and like what? They say because she gets mad at help they don't help as much.. but like if she is already mad what is going to happen? She gets madder that you made sure she's in a clean house? Like just it's awful. They say she's crazy and feels they are stealing from her and they aren't but there are clearly signs to me maybe they are. She has no jewelry or good valueables and things she's telling me have been taken are valueables like antiques or her silver. They go through all her papers and "organize" them for her yet let her dishes and laundry pile up? It's just weird. She said she's been trying to keep notes of things she doesn't appreciate or understand and they go missing from her paper piles after they have visited. My worst fear is they really are being intentionally neglectful to keep their lives uplifted while she is out of sight out of mind. My least fear is they all are just unintentionally neglecting her because they don't know any better and think it's okay. I believe I just feel so awful and am seeking support because going no contact again feels like I am doing the same thing they were doing and abandoning her.

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You seem like a very fine person. But this is all so dysfunctional that it will never get better for you! You’re not “horrible” to put yourself first, and that’s what you should do.

Cut all ties ASAP, then move on with your life. You still have a chance to make a good life for yourself. Figure out a plan and go for it! Find friends who can be your new family. Stick to your own high ideals. Move if you need to in order to leave your family mess behind.

Good luck!

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Reply to Fawnby

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I would have moved long ago if it wasn't that this is my fiancess home town and she loves it too much. It's not tiny but it also by no means is a large city to avoid saying specifics. I guess it just is hurting me so much because I am litterally 5 minutes up the road from her and had no idea the level of manipulation they were doing. Every time I thought of visiting I was met with "she's sick from this or that or is upset you've been gone so doesn't want to see you" yet when I was there she clung to me and was so happy i was there, she seemed no different to how she was when I was younger except obviously frail and a bit slow or confused, just incredibly upset they are mistreating her and that she's isolated and has had no one to go to. I 100% will advocate for her and be her voice and if I need to will be there for her, but not if my Uncle is involved. I called him my second day because she was not answering the door and he said "so? I was sleeping I'm not coming to unlock her door" I clearly replied "what if she's dead in there?" And he laughed and said so. Thus why I hung up on him and had to call the police. He is supposed to be looking out for her and says he loves her but his actions are just so different from his words. You are just so right, it is incredibly messy and I should be looking out for myself. I cannot help her into a safe space if I ruin my safe space trying to help her. Thank you so much for letting me rant and giving me some advice.

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You are not a horrible person and you did no wrong at all. You did what your training/requirements/legal requirements said that you had to do. You might want to think about that your Uncle did this so you would look bad not him. Stick to your guns.

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Reply to Jhalldenton

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I had a small feeling that he could be setting me up in a way. He is her trustee and should have been making sure there were systems in place for when her health declines she could still maintain a healthy life. I do however not want to give into delusional thoughts if I'm not seeing the whole picture clearly which is why I am having to reach out to all the resources I can for their perspectives. If some random person on the internet who reads just a small blip of the situation feels that way it is 100% something I am going to keep in mind moving forward. I am trying my best to stick to my guns, thus why I removed myself so my opinion can remain mine and unchanged by their excuses. Her Granddaughter did get ahold of me when I imformed her of my report. She agreed she shouldn't live like that but made many concerning statements herself, including APS had been their prior, but my Uncle was involved the entire time. While I was there he arrived and my Great Aunt did become much quieter and closed up until he left again. She has admitted her over talks her in medical appointments and that he refuses to give her numbers to any of her social or case workers. She is only 76 and has not given him POA, just the trustee to her account. She is quite self suffiecent and tries her best to find ways around everything. Like stated I can see when she has mild paranoia but it seems no one in my family has worked with her by using proper communication towards these moments. They just belittle her, mock her or just plain shut down on her. It's really sad to see. Thanks for your validation and opinion, it matters a lot to help me stand my ground during this difficult situation.

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Am I in the wrong? Long story. Need advice or reassurance.

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