How can I convince my mom (92) that her disabled daughter (57) can no longer be her caregiver?
My mother has owned and lived in her home for 70 years. My father died at a young age, leaving her with four young children. She worked hard to raise us and maintain the home. My youngest sister, (57yr), was born with an intellectual disability. She functions at a high level, worked 25 years, drives, but, has never lived outside the family home. Three years ago, my mother was hospitalized with a septic infection that left her severely deconditioned. After 8 mos of rehab, she was able to return home with CNA's 6hrs a day for personal care, light housekeeping, and meal prep. My sister is the care giver the rest of the day. This worked well for a while. However, my mother has many health issues, CHD, severe arthritis, macular degeneration. My sister is morbidly obese, arthritic, diabetic, and has an undiagnosed digestive problem. My mother has been unable to stand alone, consequently she needs help during the night to use a commode. So, my sister will sometimes be called every two hours during the night! The situation has them both stressed and depressed. However, my mother cannot see that my sister needs help as much as she does! Currently, my mother is in rehab again, after a gall bladder attack left her dehydrated and deconditioned. The facility she is in is the same as before, she knows and likes the people there. However, all she wants is to go back home. My sister wants to move to an assisted living facility herself. However, my mother told her that if she moved, and my mother had to stay at the nursing home she would die! I have been supportive of the community waiver, (I am POA), but, at this point, I truly feel that the situation is untenable. I don't know how to get my mother to see this, or, at least see the terrible position she has forced my poor sister into! Any insights/ or suggestions?
I am so grateful for this sight!
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When the situation is serious and it is what it is, agreement is largely besides the point. If there's a painful reality I don't want to deal with, and you try to convince me about it, you actually undercut your own progress, in two ways.
One, you demonstrate by your attempt to convince me, that there's something to discuss about this reality, it's actually arguable, up for grabs. So I get to think maybe it's not that cut-and-dried after all, and maybe I can actually win this argument.
Two, you offer me a great way to NOT deal with the situation, NOT go in the direction that's needed. Instead of you just getting on with it and doing what needs to be done, there you are hung up on getting me to agree. And I can just keep not agreeing.
Here's a silly analogy: Suppose the house is on fire. You know it, but I don't know it or maybe I just can't deal with the idea. Please don't stand there and list all the reasons you think the house is on fire! Grab my arm and get me the heck out of there. I may or may not ever "get it" or thank you, but at least we'll both still be alive.
Now, my mom was not an only child and her 100% perfectly healthy brother lived 1 mile away for a majority of the time the situation went on. My dad worked 3rd shift and because my mom did not drive, dad would come in from a night of maual labor, clean up and sit for sometimes hours in a doctors office with my grandmother and mom. My uncle worked first shift but his wife was a stay at home mom with very little responsibilities and she drove.
When my mom went into severe renal faillure, my grandfather (who chose to be hold and disabled to escape responsibility but wasn't to old to walk to town everyday to shoot the bull with his buddies) told me it was now my responsibility at age 14 to take over.
This is not love. This is not love. This is not love. This is abuse. Everyone feels sorry for the elderly, feels sorry for children but rarely is a thought given to the caregiver who is disabled themselves. I honestly wish there was a law where doctors reported this kind of abuse on adult children in the role of caregiver.
Have your mom grow up before she dies. Give your blessed sister some happiness. Set her free.
That 'if I have to stay at the nursing home I'll die' comment is very common, especially for someone of that generation. Many nursing homes used to be very horrible places and were only a place that the forgotten and unloved went. That's another fear your mom may have.
It's possible that if you will discuss the change in living arrangements with her, let it 'sit' in her head for a while, then discuss it again, she might be more accepting. That had helped my mom several times with changes she didn't want to make but could slowly accept.
Good luck.
Then I said to her "Mom we're going to visit nursing homes today (3). I want you to pick out the one you like the best and think you will be happiest there." We did, she did and the rest is history.
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