My mom has dementia and can't walk. Her husband is an alcoholic on a walker. I have POA over Mom. Can I divorce him?

Your mum doesn't want a divorce so, even if it's a possibility (which I find astonishing), it seems morally wrong to me.

However, you can remove your mum from her husband's care and have her placed in a suitable facility. I would do that ASAP.

That would also prevent you from being placed in a difficult position of having a drunk man turning up at your door to see his wife. He can visit her in a facility, but they wouldn't let him stay overnight or admit him if he's too drunk.

If you have POA only, you probably cannot get a divorce for your mom. If she does really have dementia, you can get guardianship and can then start divorce proceedings.

The answer is it depends. I know that it has been done in at least one state but you would need to talk to someone in your state. Remember, just because it hasn't been done in your state, doesn't mean it can't be done. My friend set precedence in our state because she was able to get her mother with diagnosed dementia divorced. The difference is that you may need guardianship to get a divorce on her behalf. Documentation is critical. Document everything. My friend's mom didn't want a divorce but it was really necessary.

Good luck!

Does your state allow for legal separation? If so, retain a lawyer to help you.

If he drives to your house drunk, you should leave the room and discreetly call the police immediately so they can come over and check his blood alcohol. Repeat every time it happens. He needs to be charged and have his license revoked at the very least. He is endangering everyone on the road.

See a lawyer about protecting your mother's individual financial assets and her part of any shared assets. If he causes an accident while drunk, his insurance may not cover all the costs, and he may face a lawsuit, which could wipe both of them out financially.

Do they own a house? Whose name is it in? What are their sources of income?

Carebug: You cannot change either of these individuals.

Dear Friend,

First, I admire all of your efforts to protect your mother and personally, I think the idea of you trying to pursue a divorce on behalf of your mother is wonderful. In other words, not only is it important to keep her physically safe but as much as possible, financially secure as well.

Now, the question is, even with being your mother's POA for financial and health decisions, does that give you the power to proceed with a divorce from her current husband?

Since I am not a divorce attorney, I would not be able to give you sound advice. But, in view of the latter sentence, I think your next step is to consult with a divorce attorney. My personal view is that it might be very difficult to get an actual divorce but at minimum, you might be able to get a restraining order that would give your mother more protection.

I believe there are many factors involved and going forward, as much possible, document and record all the incidents and episodes that would support your decision to get your mother legally and financially away from her husband. Hope this all helps.

Your mother has dementia. She divorced him, then missed him so much that she remarried him although knowing all about his issues. She “does not want to divorce him” again. You can’t change him – or her. You can’t organise things so that she only sees him when he is sober. This is a no-win situation for you. It’s dominating your life, and may ruin it for years. Perhaps you need to back off?

It may be one of those that has to fall over by itself. Send M back to live with him, wait for the situation to fall over, then notify APS. If the State makes the rules, there is more chance than if you try to do it.

You are protecting your Mom which is extremely important. SAFETY first.
I know in some states divorce means the assets are divided evenly before the two parties.
My brother had POA medical for our Mom but he deactivated her decision making with two doctors agreeing and signing her state of dementia. He now is our Mom's decision maker.
I don't know how owns their house or whether it's owned by both of husband and wife but that leads to the financial situation. If your Mom does not have separate accounts from her spouse things could get complicated. Is your name on her bank account or beneficiary of any assets?
You need to document those incidents you've seen how her spouse treats your mother including dates. This can be your best a case for talking with APS (Adult Protective Services) if there is a possible harm to your mother.
You are a caring daughter who wants the best for her. Establish your boundaries for you and for your Mom.

You dont let a drunk Guy come to your House especially a walker .

No on the divorce. Find out if your mom is on medicare or medicaid, then find out how much she gets for social security. Call your state's health and human services dept. to find out benefits available for medicaid, if that's applicable. If your mom's on medicare, get her doctor to diagnose her dementia and find out what help is available to those on medicare. You may need to use her social security check to help pay for her care when you're at work, or to pay for extra diapers, tools and hygiene products. If you have the ability to do so, see if you can go to a thrift store and buy a used wheelchair for your mom's husband. Should be inexpensive, but he can also talk to his doctor about having medicaid cover the cost (if he's on medicaid). That way, he's safe from falling.

I think you keeping mom at your home is the right thing to do. Her husband obviously can not take care of her.

You, however, do not need to allow him in to your home if it is causing you undue stress. It is unfortunate that your mother "misses" him and asks you to let him come visit. It is unfortunate for her. She will not get her way in this. It is your decision. She has lost the ability to make that decision herself.

I don't think it is necessary for your mother to divorce him. For what purpose?
Sounds like extra work and cost for no real benefit. Unless there is a benefit here for you that I do not see.

Inform her husband that he is not allowed to come visit. Period.
Don't try and impose conditions that he must meet to allow him to visit.
It just makes you sound weak and willing to compromise. He will continue pushing your boundaries if you give him an in. And he will continue to disappoint you and add to your stress. You don't need that additional stress now. Just focus on your mother. And start looking at care homes for her. She will decline, and soon you will no longer be able to care for her alone in your home.
You already state that you are tired and want a break. The unreliable husband is NOT the person to give you that break!
Picking a good facility now will give you the confidence when it is time for her to transition to professional care, which should be very soon.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Such a mess.
Please have your mom's thyroid checked. Asap. She may be less cooperative if she does not have Dementia. It's codependency.
If she does still have Dementia after on thyroid medicine, as POA, you can get the documentation you need to activate the POA and place your Mom in a nice memory care facility and handle her finances.
You can contact an elder law attorney and get a consultation as to what is best to be done. A divorce should not be needed. Married couples can separate assets. So your Mom's assets can be used towards her care. A lean can be placed on the house when she applies for Medicaid when her assets are almost used up. The house sale money when hubby moves out permanently or dies will go to Medicaid to compensate for their paying for her memory care. You can tell the facility that her husband can visit but not take her off the premises. You can mandate that he not visit if drunk.
I would have called a taxi to take him home that day he came to your home drunk. Or called the police. You do not have to shelter him.
Good luck.

For your sake, I highly recommend you read about codependency and possibly attend Alanon or Codependency Anonymous meetings. You are in the middle of a very difficult situation, and there is only so much you can do. You’ve received some good advice here. And it seems like you could use support for setting your boundaries to keep yourself as well as your mom safe.

You don't give an alcoholic 'two chances,' ... unless. they go to AA or actively engaged in some recovery support. Call an attorney. Your mom is a co-dependant. It won't be easy for her although getting her the professional support will help. This dysfunction is (likely) way over your head or professional experience. Reach out - for them - and for your own mental health, too.

Gena / Touch Matters

I had POA for my Mom, it was immediate. Her Medical I needed a doctor to say she was incompetent. I never had to go to court to have her declared incompetent.

As her POA you do not need to allow this man in your home if he is a drunk. I would have called the police to take him home before I would have allowed him to spend the night. Actually, they could give him a DUI for driving drunk to your house.

Do not allow Mom to go back.

Seek legal advice
Don’t guess when it comes to the law-it may come back n bite you

You need to speak with an attorney about getting a guardianship. A POA cannot use that power to initiate a divorce. And frankly I am not sure a POA trumps a spouse when it comes to making healthcare and life decisions. It is much more limited. As your mom's dementia progresses, however, you might get into a tug of war with the husband and lose access to her. So see an attorney now.

Short answer: NO (you cannot divorce Dad on Mom's behalf) Dad needs to be placed in a nursing home (so he can't get to alcohol) and they can take care/watch him. Mom w dementia cannot live alone, so she can live with you or admit her to assisted living or nursing home, and you do not need to get any court involved since you have POA. Hopefully you also have dad's POA an fi not, get one prepared and signed. Since someone has mentioned bank accounts and as far as bank accounts go, this is what I did: take mom to the bank with your POA in hand (in case it's needed), but most of the time, all that is needed is to show drivers licenses and sometimes social security cards. The banking ppl won't know about mom's condition so don't tell unless they ask and if they don't mention a POA, they don't need to see it. EASY WAY: Mom will need to tell them she wants you and your name on all bank accounts. This is the most simple way to manage their accounts without getting any outside parties involved and needing their permission, like SS and the like. You will then need to open a separate account in your name at the same time and have banking cards issued and also make sure your name shows on any checks, if checks are being still written. With online banking these days, you can easily transfer funds into whatever accounts you need/want at anytime without any interference from anyone so that you can manage their bills, etc. Don't tell dad about any of this so he can't go into the bank drunk and pitching a fit.

Tough Love! Yikes! I would never let him come in if he is drunk. If he shows up drunk tell him NO! Then if he gets back in his car call the police and let them know there is a drunk driver leaving your house.
Since you have POA over mom and she has dementia - tell her he is drunk he cannot come in state "my house my rules!" You need to be the parent because its obvious these are two kids! If mom were in a facility the facility would not allow someone who is drunk to come in. Drunks promise and promise but their dependence is toooooo strong. As far as divorcing you would have to talk to an elder attorney - which would be worth the money. Consults are usually an hour and you can ask them anything! I did that and it was the best $400.00 I ever spent!

Good point for the hypothyroidism that's important and boy it sure can mess with a person of any age. As far as POA it's great that you have it however POA Is for her medical issues only, not her personal choices in life right or wrong. Even conservatorship a judge would not take her personal choices away. It could be considered a felony if you tried to alienate, isolate mom from husband especially if SHE is requesting the visits. That is a personal choice which as bad as it sounds her right to visits, phone calls etc is basically all she has left and that's why the rules are strict and in her favor. It does sound like you are just working yourself to death. It's important for you to care for yourself you are number one in your life. Do you have family or friends that could give you a break? If for some reason you and mom decided on placing her assisted living or skilled nursing please remember her rights don't go away because you placed her. As far as hubby that's a tuff call. Maybe APS can do a well check on him if they feel he is a danger to himself or others they can place him. It's a long shot. but document is important. 911 calls if he's aggressive towards mom including yelling at her. I do wish you luck and again please take care of yourself.

You would need to take mom to be evaluated by a psychologist for competency to determine if she is capable of making decisions to marry or bring legal action.

Typically people retain the ability to choose to marry and make social decisions.

How does the husband arrive to your home when he is intoxicated? If he is driving himself, it's OK to call the police.

Also, it is your home, so it is ok to make and enforce boundaries, such as required sobriety for visits. If he violates this, send him away, informing him he can either call an uber or you will call the police and notify them he is driving while intoxicated. This should.put an end to drunken visits.

You can get some respite care either by hiring someone to come in for a few hours a week, and/or signing up for a respite room with a local nursing home for one weekend a month. Or perhaps there is someone in your church who would be willing to come sit with her for a few hours each week so you can run errands. Also look into adult daycare programs local to you.

It's good that you are already your Mom's PoA. However, this may not mean you can choose to have her divorce her husband. This is a question for the elder law attorney since the marriage/divorce rules for cognitively impaired people are vague and can vary by state.

If you are concerned about him wasting her share of her assets, you may have other options besides divorce (which can be expensive and she's unwilling, etc).

Is your PoA authority active? Does your Mom have a formal diagnosis of impairment? You need to read the document to see what triggers it. You may not even have the authority to decide a divorce for her.

Hopefully, if/when your authority is active, you may have the legal ability to move her share of funds to another bank where her drunkard can't access it -- but again, you should talk to a certified elder law attorney first. The attorney can tell you ways to protect her assets.

Also, if your Mom can't walk, does this mean she is bedridden? If so, consider having her assessed for LTC. Then she can be transitioned into a good facility and when her share of their community assets runs out, she will be Medicaid eligible (so make sure if she goes to a facility that they have Medicaid beds).

Her husband is an alcoholic. You expecting him to drink a few days then be sober others is unrealistic. You cannot have his recovery for him (by making him go to meetings). You need to create healthy boundaries for yourself and as a representative for your Mom. She probably by now is either dyfunctionally co-dependent on him or has dementia herself, since her judgement about this situation seems irrational.

If he's still driving, you know he's also drunk when that's happening. Depending on his home state, you may be able to anonymously report him as a dangerous driver online. I was able to do this in FL. You will need his info: name as it appears on his DL, his DL # if you can sneak a picture of it when he's visiting or make up a therapeutic fib to get him to divulge it, and dates and descriptions of incidents or about his chronic alcoholism. The Dept of Public Safety will probably then send out a letter telling him to report for either an eye check, or other assessment. No one should take him to this appointment or even tell him about the online report. If he fails to show up they will cancel his license.

Or, you have Mom at your house and intend to keep her for a long while. You tell both of them a therapeutic fib as to why she has to stay there so long. Try to prevent her from talking to him. While she's out of the house report him to APS as a vulnerable adult and keep reporting him. Tell APS he's such a neglectful drunk that you've had to remove your Mom in order to protect her. Hopefully they will act quickly to acquire court-assigned guardianship for him and remove him to a facility. But this won't happen overnight, so have tempered expectations. Every county's social services is different.

Do not have him come over to visit her if he's driving over there.

FYI life-long alcholics can get a specific type of dementia called Wernike-Korsakoff syndrome (aka "wet brain") that is caused by a chronic vitamin deficiency. So, he has an increased chance of having dementia both "natually" and from his alcoholism.

I wish you success in protecting your Mom and finding her appropriate care.

You are POA for your mother.
IF your mother is judged BY A COURT to be legally INCOMPETENT then you can remove her from a dangerous situation (which alcoholism in a husband would constitute). You can see an attorney for a legal separation and separation of finances. If her SS goes into their joint accounts then you will have to get yourself also made Representative Payee of Mom's Social Security and open a check in her name with you as her signee and POA.

As you must know, this would mean no overnights with the alcoholic. She could have supervised visitation. She would be in your care 24/7 or in in-facility care.

If your mother doesn't have dementia at this level then there is, I am afraid, very little you can do about her being the co of a severe alcoholic. Until she reaches a state of legal incompetency the POA can act ONLY as the person involved dictates.

See an elder law attorney if you need solid legal advice in this situation, which sounds quite dicey. Your POA pays for that.

As to the alcoholic himself? You need to attend Al-anon so you fully understand that it is a waste of your time and energy, and you have zero power in attempting to intervene in alcoholism.

I wish you the best. What a terrible mess, huh?

You can't "divorce" this man since he's not your husband, but since you are moms POA, and if that has been activated, you can start looking into appropriate facilities for your mom to be placed in.
That way she will receive the care she now requires and will be safe from her alcoholic husband, and you can get back to just being her loving daughter and advocate instead of her burned out and stressed out caregiver.
And then you can call APS on this poor excuse of a man that your mom married twice(WTF) and report what is going on with him and they will come out and do an assessment on him and take things from there.
And until you get mom placed you DO NOT have to allow a drunkard into your house for visits. You need to set those boundaries now whether mom like it or not. It's your house.
Alcoholism just like dementia SUCKS!!!

If mom has dementia you can not get POA. She has to be mentally competent to appoint a POA.
What you can try to do is get Guardianship.
If possible keep mom with you.
YOU can not divorce them .
I suggest that you talk to an Elder Care Attorney and see what is possible.

give up on the notion he will stop drinking.

Not to get personal here but...... What type of visits are they having? Are they still having a sexual relationship? If so since mom has dementia is this actually a consensual relationship? But you say she misses him. I get it. Holding hands, Touch, it is important and I if it makes mom happy.... 30 years is a long time.