Please help me, I cannot hardly take it anymore. I have always done whatever it takes to love each of our 3 children. When they were young and teenagers I was involved in all activities. My husband and I were so very close to all of them. Now two of my adult children talk so disrespectful to me. They yell at me if I make one misstep. If I do not do exactly as they ask, they let me know how I have messed up. Each of them have children in which we are so very close to, but they only let us see them on their terms and time. Life things have happened to both of their little families, and for some odd reason if things aren't going well, we get the brunt of it. I am beyond sad, as I dont want to lose them or my grandchildren, but I cannot be treated this way anymore. For a while I just shut up and did as they would ask of me, but the yelling and accusations, etc are becoming so hurtful our health is now being affected. If I try to talk to them, they start talking above me and yelling at me either face to face, or thru texts. It's almost like my very "being" ills them. We used to be so close, but now I honestly am beginning to wonder if they even like us anymore. We know we probably should walk away at this point, but seriously as a Gramma, my heart is broken in pieces that I will essentially have to walk away from my grandchildren also. I am beyond sad. I cannot believe this is happening in our family. Family means everything to me, always has, and now I can't even comprehend this life.
I am with Burnt and Alva. You need to look at yourself first. Do you tend to give out unwanted advice, especially when it involves the grands? Do you tend to preach at them? That type of thing turns me off.
If you truly cannot figure out what sets them off and other daughter has no idea, then you step back. You tell these two children that you have no idea why the disrespect but you will no longer tolerate it. If they blackmail you with the kids, then you tell them you will miss them. People treat you the way you allow them to. If you are in their home when they start, leave. If they are in your home, ask them to leave. If they call you and start, tell them you will be hanging up and not to call you back until they can talk to you nicely. Text, block them. Don't answer calls, don't be available to babysit. Do not loan them money. You learn to use the word No. Its a one word sentence. Both u and husband have to be on the same page.
I have done a lot for my one daughter mainly because she has the children. I told her years ago when she had her first one, if she needs a babysitter, my plans trump hers. I will not give up my plans to do a favor for anyone unless an emergency. As parents when our children become adults they leave the nest. We allow them to now make their own mistakes. They are now to support themselves and make their own way in the world. This goes for us too. Our kids are grown so now its our time to do the things we have wanted to do. Our children have no right to demand things from us. If we are available to baby sit, fine. If we have plans, sorry you will need to hire a babysitter.
Our children are not here to be at our beck and call and that goes for us to. We can say No and when we do our children find another option. And this goes both ways.
OP says they aren't retirement age yet and aren't sick, although claiming your adult spoiled children have demons-that's questionable.
Something isn't right here.
THAT is truly scary stuff.
I don't tolerate anyone yelling and screaming at me. If I've done something to offend someone, they can tell me about it. Now if I set a boundary and someone takes offense to it, then it's their problem. I have a niece that tried this mess with me. I rarely hear from my sister's rude adult kids. My mother and sister were both having children around the same time so, I'm closer in age to my sister's children. Anyway, my dad spoiled my older sister and her kids by always bailing them out financially until he was in his late eighties. One granddaughter always tried to bully me into providing free hotel service when she comes to town. She wanted me to host her a few months after my husband died. I had taken a weeks vacation so that I could be home. I didn't hear anything from her the entire time she was in town. Finally, she called me late one night and I didn't hear the phone. I had to get back to work the next day, and I don't keep a cell phone in the room with me. She was so angry and had threatened to go on social media to tell what a terrible person I was. Fast forward, she started calling me again after some years had gone by with the same request again this time worded differently. Apparently, she didn't want to pay for the hotel and wanted me to provide room and board including food, and amenities. I had just started a new job and really wasn't up to having my sister's crazy brood around me. Last time they were altogether, they started a big ruckus at my apartment. So, they are no longer welcomed here.
After I didn't fold to their requests again, I haven't heard from them in months. No news is good news.
It doesn't matter who did what to whom. What you need at this time in life is peace and no drama.
It sounds like your kids are spoiled and entitled. As a wise therapist told me years ago to let rude and entitled folks fall on their faces and stop enabling, lending money, giving them a place to crash, and bailing folks out. When you get tired of being a doormat, just stand up.
Your kids are grown. Live your life.
All of you need to sit down, and talk. Then you and your husband need to listen. Really listen. If your kids resent your very "being" as you say they do, there is reason for this. Usually for reasons that go back a long time.
Before you sit down with your kids to get it all out in the open, sit down with yourself and do some serious thinking. Be honest with and don't convince yourself into denial that it's all your kids' fault. If you're truly honest for yourself you will get why they're so disrepectful and resentful towards you. Then that will be when it's time for a sit-down with them.
Good luck and I wish you and your family healing and happiness.
There's a side we aren't serious here. Our OP posits below that the children may be possessed of demons and prayer will change this.
I think the children may have a point here, and may be quite desperate.
I think the OP and hubby should sit and fully discuss things in a rational manner with the children.
I wouldn't have my children visiting people who believe that we can be possessed of demons and god can change that. People have actually died in some "exorcisms" from excess religiosity. Children have died, that is.
So there are more problems here I think than are readily visible, and they may be way beyond a Forum to help.
Thank you all again, for your kind advice. I will continue to pray that God removes whatever demons are controlling them mind, body and soul. That they will be able to love and not hate.
Sorry, you sure just lost me.
This makes me think that burntcaregiver above is right.
There may be a reason your children are treating you as they are.
DEMONS do not control people.
I worry for you and for the grands more than ever now.
I would take Burnt's words seriously. Sit with your children and LISTEN.
If they often ask you to babysit or help them in any way, I would say no going forward. I know this will be very difficult, but it is the only way to send a clear message. If they ask why you can't babysit, then you can tell them about how you've been disrespected and you don't deserve it and you're not going to place yourself in a situation where you can receive further disrespect. If they start talking over your or screaming, walk away and go home.
If you've been asking them to help you, then you will now need to pay money and hire out that help.
If you live with any of them, you may need to consider transitioning to a senior community. You don't need to be dramatic, just let them know calmly (IF THEY ASK) that you will wait until they can be respectful and then you will be better able to enjoy a healthy relationship with them. Obviously "family" doesn't mean as much to them as it does to you. Go out and join clubs, get a new hobby and volunteer. Don't wait for them to come around. May you gain peace in your heart as you move forward.
We do have posts from parents who believe that they are ‘right’, and the grandparents are not. Of course an outsider has no way of seeing what is happening. Any chance to sort this out is worth trying! Best wishes, Margaret
I once had to do that very thing with my son many years ago. He was angry for a month or so, but then he apologized and we solved the issue we were having.
Take care of yourselves now. That's what a psychologist from the Mayo Clinic told my husband when his daughter was causing him a lot of grief during his liver transplant in 2022. The doctor told him to deal with himself and his issues only, that grown adult children should not be paid any mind during such times. That's what he did, too, thank God, and his daughter wound up cutting both of us off from the granddaughters over a year ago. Toxic people, family or not, that choose to wreak such havoc, have no place in our lives. We're hoping when the grandchildren get phones, we can keep in touch with them directly.
I'm sorry things like this sometimes happen. Sending you a prayer for peace and courage moving forward.
Currently the grandchildren are being taught by seeing the interactions between you and their parents, to disrespect people. That really isn't good for them or in their interests.
I would have a discussion with your children to tell them that you will not be allowing them to treat you without respect anymore. If that means you cannot see your grandchildren you will be very sad, but you will simply have to find, in this world of needy children, kids who DO respect you.
For some years I volunteered in teaching programs through an organization working with our schools. I loved it and I got to hone my long forgotten grammar skills. The children ADORE you for this one-on-one attention.
The world is FULL of children. Blood connection to me means ZERO. Would you not love an ADOPTED grand as much?
We teach people how they are allowed to treat us.
Start teaching your own children NOW. If they cannot be decent and polite in your presence then find people who CAN, and care for THEM.