Mom has been having falls. In fact, three just this past week. She is in her 80’s. Dad whom is also in his 80’s and my sister live at home with her 24/7. The catch is family is blaming me for the falls. With every fall, it is where were you? You are the paid caregiver. The thing is, falls aren’t happening on my watch (at least so far). They are happening before I come in, after I’ve gone for the day, overnight, or on my days off. I have begged all in the home and outside the home (siblings) to talk with those inside the home or to help and they all are siding with my sister on the blaming. I’ve talked with dad asking him to wait until I am there to watch mom while he enjoys himself still being active. Sister stays in her room majority of time. Dad swears when I am not there that the sibling that is living there sits with her, yet we get a fall. He says he doesn’t have to set around and wait on anyone. She has said she knew mom was up walking behind her one day but she still was going to her room until she heard the fall.
She was ordered a walker in the hospital but can’t be trusted alone on that thing. So I order a transport chair to use and still same day, we get a fall after I’m gone. So now I’m switching companies so that hopefully we can add on another worker. I have doctors trying to find out the cause of her weakness but so far they say - not being watched and they are getting frustrated. Mom is A ok with a bit of assistance, not a fussy/demanding person. Mom has not been diagnosed with dementia but has something going on which requires, well you know, someone with patience. So yesterday we had a blow up because the two living at home with her, like she was not there, was talking about how hard headed she is and when they tell her to stay put to stay put. She doesn’t do anything anyway so she should set on that sofa all day and if she had sit still as told the day before she would have not fell.
Yesterday really broke my heart. I thought of the guard rails in the bathroom, the alarm for the chair and bed. Thinking of turning off the home phone and getting the fall alert system and the phone where she can say call whomever. Considered calling state to see if they had people that could help with care or just to talk with family. But I don’t think any of this is going to help because of the attitudes of those living with her. I’m trying to do what is right and my little family from daughter to husband has been doing everything we can. But the other kicker is siblings think that also means taking care of sister – washing her clothes, bringing her meals, doing her hair. I don’t know!
I keep having thoughts of moving on, but the thought saddens me and saddens mom when I talk to her. At wits end!
To remove mom from their care, wouldn’t I need power of attorney or health care power of attorney?
My husband and I thought about asking mom to live with us. We’ve had this conversation. But our fear is that we would be in for probably a knock down drag out fight with dad, my sister, an older brother, and possibly others we don’t know about.
APS – was asked to do a visit I think a few weeks ago now.
Again, wouldn’t the process of not allowing her home involve some type of power of attorney? Whenever mom is in the hospital, she never leaves her side. However, I do remember the names of some social workers and may be able to get information.
I also considered sending moms health care providers a letter asking them to report any findings they find questionable to the authorities or even me?
But again, would I not need some type of power of attorney?
If this was a non-family paid care role - would you quit? You could walk away, right? But this is your Mum!
So I think the simplest way to look at it IMO;
Problem: Mum is not safe at home. Cause: the 2 adults living with her are incapable of caring for her needs (supervision, mediction etc). Fixes so far: daily care & but not 24 hour & still in danger really. To Solve Problem: remove Mum from their care.
Would you & Mum consider her coming to live with you? Maybe just until other arrangements are found? Ignore the other 2. If Mum is competent, she can decide who to live with.
It must be legal to just take Mum to your house to stay if she agrees? Anyone know??
If no to that scenario, can you use the next hospital admission start a process of NOT allowing her home as you have alerted their social worker (& others may know what depts to also notify) that there are SERIOUS safely concerns & danger, inc mentally ill sister.
Please, anyone that can answer this question.
I have mom setup for another provider (non-hospice) for now. But I worry they will send the new care provider for mom away. If this is attempted, would there be anything I or another can do?
I will search the forum tomorrow for similar questions. Just too upset right now.
Thanks in advance and thanks for the wisdom you've already provided.
And best of all they are prepared to send in another worker so that I’ll work as few hours as possible. That way I can still get to be with my parents some.
The hospital discharged mom claiming the kidney failure is no longer active and was only considered active due to dehydration (that one day of sickness). I don’t know what to believe but she is doing ok – at least these past couple of days.
So so happy for mom and hope sister does not run interference.
The only thing I'm having trouble turning over is setting up the medicines.
My mother essentially “Fell” herself to death. It was like she had a death wish. As soon as you turned your head she’d face plant out of her chair while trying to get up. I won’t even go into the horrible details. I finally got her in a facility but she had more falls as her dementia worsened. It was no one’s fault. My mom was just one of those impossible situations. She would had to have been restrained which is no longer legal.
After reading some of this thread it seems to me that one way or the other your folks need to be in care. Your mom should probably be evaluated for hospice care.
As others have pointed out elders will fall. It’s no one’s fault. You and sis arguing about who is at fault is just wasted energy.
Mom was admitted to the hospital again. They are thinking kidney failure due to dehydration but are exploring all issues. While there, the social worker spoke with me and then my sister and I together. Soon as the social worker went to asking what help mom may need, she went "I'm not her caretaker and pointed to me." The worker asked if she lived with mom. She answered yes full time. The worker informed her that makes her at least part of the care team even if just a small part.
I just don't understand.
Ultimately, ALL of us have to decide sometimes whether to “fix” the whole mess OR take the best care of the person you are focusing on caring for. You are attempting too many tasks that are complicated for you by others.
So I read on here that home-health nurses can oversee this part at a cost? Does anyone have any idea of the cost?
So today I go into his room to get him setup for his appointment Monday. I find she had moved his clothes from where I normally put them. I can’t find anything. As soon as she comes out of her room she goes it is about to be some *$% now. So I asked her where was dad stuff. She goes, I am about to do something with this room and you better not touch anything. I asked her what she was doing with the room. Told me it was none of my *$% business and that since she pays rent for three rooms that room is also her room and she was just letting dad use.
Not only that when I was asked to make changes with mom room due to falls. She came and everything got shut down.
Even when my Dad was using a walker, he would fall within the walker. My Mom would fall using her cane. A dozen things could case the fall. A painful knee, varicose vein pain, mis-steps, tripping, misjudging, feeling dizzy, eye issues, etc. My Dad would tumble over when sitting in a chair bending over to tie his shoe.
Chair alarms? Only good if someone is right there in the room at the time the elder decides to stand up. Like I said, it can take only a split second to fall.
It sounds like your sister is very depressed if she is spending so much time in her room and with all that sleeping. She could be burnt out from helping the parents. Not everyone is geared up to be a caregiver, I know I wasn't.
Time for a family meeting to see what can be done. Your parents might do better in Independent Living if they can budget the cost.
Some fall a LOT.
My mother falls a lot, and she has 24/7 live in care. She falls out of bed, in the bathroom, in the kitchen--she tried to maneuver w/o her walker and she shouldn't. I think we have all given up trying to do anything but the absolute basics to help her. She can't have throw rugs. She has grab bars all over the apartment, she has someone checking on her every few hours....but unless she had a service dog who would run get somebody when she falls--there's just only so much you can do.
What do you consider to be the absolute basics?
As for your family, well, you don't choose family, you're stuck with what you've got. If your sister lives there but doesn't help your parents either financially or physically, you and your other siblings may want to insist she make other living arrangements. Also, you might want to rethink being her paid caregiver. Business dealings among family usually cause friction. Go back to being her daughter.
I am rethinking, I'm rethinking really hard.
If your family is critical of what you’re doing, they should certainly spend the money you’re receiving on someone who they think would serve them better.
Given the choice of hiring someone or continuing with your help, they may come to realize that with some adjustments, you’re their best choice.
If you are to continue as an “employee”, it’s time to sit whoever is in charge down and draw up a contract of specific tasks that you will perform. If performing as sister’s personal assistant in addition to tasks you do for mom, extra compensation should be spelled out.
Telling someone identified as a “fall risk” to “stay put” is ridiculous, and fighting about Mom’s conduct is ridiculous too.
However sad you feel about walking away from what you’re doing right now, you have to consider that if you have become their excuse for their lack of attention to Mom’s needs and problems, you may without knowing it be making matters worse.
Your father shouldn’t be counted upon to help AT ALL, and it sounds as though he is shaking things up among you, the live-in sister, and the rest of the brood, then stepping out of the picture.
Both of your parents could certainly benefit from a visit from some geriatric trained specialist, and after such a visit, recommendations for supportive care might be given that could help.
”Fall risks” happen, and they’re dangerous and very hard to prevent. Accusing family members of carelessness with fall management, ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE NOT PRESENT WHEN THE FALL OCCURS, indicates that changes in Mom’s care plan are of MAJOR importance.
Don’t fight the dysfunction. Take care of yourself.
[Your father shouldn’t be counted upon to help AT ALL, and it sounds as though he is shaking things up among you, the live-in sister, and the rest of the brood, then stepping out of the picture.]
I’m not sure I understand. Can you elaborate?
I will have to look for a geriatric specialist in our area. But that is the thing with my program their care has to be under one doctor but every time sister decide to take them she carry them to a completely different doctor. So even if I say I’ve found one (a geriatric specialist) on the left, she will hinder. I’ve even had her changed appointment dates to specialist when we are the ones doing the transport without telling us. In fact, when the other part of the team calls, she deletes the caller id and had one number disguised.
As of now I’m switching companies to hopefully get a second worker. A social worker from the company that is doing the pt/ot is coming out as well to evaluate for continued nursing services.
The only thing I see is her staying in her room sleeping most of the time. I come at different times of the day. So siblings say she is an elder herself (in her 50's) again an overheard conversation that whatever she says should go.
There's much more to this story where my sister hinders my caring for mom and makes it difficult.
Is there something wrong with your sister that she cannot care for herself.