I’m 59 yrs old. No siblings … no kids .. divorced. Mother’s family very small. im alone in this. It’s stressful. Very hard on me. I work full time. I try to have a life. I visit her 3-4 times a week. I haven’t made the move to make her permanent… she insists on going home ! She broke her hip in may and even before that her walking / balance was shaky. She fell at least 10-15 times before she broke her hip. Even tho I would have care for her at home .. pretty much 24/7. My gut keeps telling me it won’t work out ! In the nursing home she has aides / nurses / drs. Home she would only have an aide and me when I choose to visit. This won’t work. I can’t do it. Please help me come to grips with how to tell her or deal with it. she is extremely stubborn and thick headed in her old age. I have to make a decision soon. My physical and mental health mean a lot to me. I can’t take this.
Please just have a talk with mom and lay out the reality of the situation. She doesn't have to like it or accept it, but it's her new normal. There are many things in life I don't like right now and nobody is jumping thru hoops to keep me smiling! Life on life's terms, it's known as.
Good luck to you.
Now I realize there are people that visit their loved ones in the nursing home every day. And that's certainly an option I guess. But for example when my FIL was in "rehab" (meaning we knew he wasn't getting better and we knew we had a decision to make) my SIL was going over there every other day, to grab laundry, to fix issues etc. But once he was in the SNF - it changed to every other week. She didn't feel the need to visit as often because that was his home and he had to get used to living there.
Additionally, many SNF actually encourage family members NOT to visit as often, especially early on, to allow their loved one time to adjust.
My FIL called the SNF the "hospital" for his entire time there. Because for him, that made it temporary. Even though we communicated clearly that it was not. It is what he did to deceive himself into believing it was temporary. And your mother may choose to do that - but you need to be honest and let her know that going home is not an option.
We purchased my FIL's SUV a few months after he moved to SNF. He was not excited about it and literally told my DH "When I come home I want it back".
Once you make residency permanent - at least for you -it should lift some of the burden of keeping up a façade.
I agree that being blunt can be the best a approach if dementia is very mild or not a factor. I was surprised that this approach was best for my mom's move to AL. I tried to be less straightforward, but she really did not forget anything and kept pestering me at every visit about when she was leaving. I finally just told her, "Mom, I cannot manage all of your needs if you move back to Independent Living. You are getting everything you need here now and the stress before was too much for me. You need to try to make friends here since this is now your new home." And surprisingly she stopped bugging me, made new friends, and seems very content now.
If your mom is very strong-willed and persists in arguing or insisting she moves home, interrupt her: "Mom. Enough. We already had this conversation and the decision has been made. I'm sorry it has to be this way but this is how it is. If you keep complaining, I'm going to leave." If she won't stop, leave. Or hang up the phone. Whatever. She will get the message. And I do think you should only visit once a week for the time being. You are just giving her more opportunities to stress you out.
One thing to realize is that to a distressed elder, visits from family members can be triggering for their issues. They may be going with the flow, at least somewhat, but when the family member arrives that person becomes the target for and focus of all their issues. So cutting back the visits and then keeping them shorter while she adjusts isn't selfish and not just for your mental health, but for hers.
You do not mention mom having dementia so I am going to go with that presumption....
Tell mom is it not safe for her to return home.
Tell mom that you are not able to provide the care that she needs. Neither her home nor yours are safe.
If mom has dementia no matter what you tell her she is not going to retain. If that is the case you can give her any of a dozen "reasons"
"When your doctor says you can return home" is a covers all bases answer.
"When it is safe for you to come home"
"It is not safe for me to care for you"
Do not feel guilty you are making the right decision keeping her in a place where she is safe and getting the care that she requires.
Unfortunately, because of her heath issues, it’s YOU that’s in charge.
It’s a weird shift in our thinking, since they’ve been the parent all along, but that’s what we’ve been dealt, having parents with big health problems.
So, put on your Boss hat, and let your charge know your decision.
Cut the visit short, if it’s gotten heated, and tell her that you’ll visit again soon. ◡̈
With honesty.
You make it crystal clear that she is not going home, that it is not an option and it is not her choice.
You let her know that the more your visits and talks with her mean she is focused on something THAT IS NOT TO BE, the fewer visits and the shorter the calls, because you do not want to hear it when it simply is out of the question.
The sooner you make this PERMANENT residency the better.
And if she is of sound mind and insistent and anyone listens to it you let her know that the day she moves back home is the day she doesn't see you again. So she HAD BETTER be perfectly able on her own; you won't be there.
You cannot play games with this. It avoids the truth, and it makes it much more difficult. You MUST BE HONEST. Home is not an option. Period. End of sentence. You can add that you are very sorry, but it isn't changing anything.
You may want to decrease your visits to one or two times a week. You are in burnout and you need to focus on your physicial and mental wellbeing. You are of no good to her if your wellbeing is being sacrificed.
I am in a similar situation with my uncle. I needed to limit my visitation to once a week because it was mentally and physically draining on me when visiting. Every visit was a replay of the previous hundred visits and his anger, sadness and inability to understand why he is a resident were directed to me and it eventually was my fault. I needed to have a break and realized that in order for me to stay mentally healthy I needed to control the amount of visits to him.
Good luck and I wish you strength during this difficult phase of caregiving.
If the dr and professionals at the rehab agree that she should not return home, you can use that as part of your explanation, or better yet, get them to tell her in your presence. But only if you are confident they will back you up.
She fell 10-15 times before she broke her hip — unless she has a world-class miraculous recovery in rehab to the point where her strength and balance are way BETTER than they were before breaking her hip (highly unlikely) — she will continue to fall even with supervision in the home. That is just not safe. Wishful thinking on her part, sad but common.
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