I’m looking for help and suggestions on how to challenge my sister’s role as Trustee/POA. My sister is not responding to me. She is neglecting my mother's personal wellbeing and finances. My sister and her son talked my mom into giving her car them, just a month after my dad passed. My mom had no savings at that time, no money to fall back on, and the car would have brought in $8000 for her. My sister didn't submit death benefit applications to my dad's retirement system, VA reimbursements, health premium reimbursements, all of which she needed for basic living needs and bills. I don’t want to involve APS, that would hurt my mom especially after just losing my dad. They were married 64 years. I have documented all correspondence and financial concerns over the past eight months. I really wanted to give my sister time to do what she promised when she asked to be Trustee but hasn’t. Other family members are deeply concerned and have suggested to my mother, that she talk to the family attorney and request my sister be removed. My mother doesn't want my sister mad at her though, but at the same time, she knows my sister is neglecting her. I've just committed to paying $800 a month for my mom's home health aide, on top of the $1200 I just spent for her groceries and yard/home maintenance. I've taken care of reconciling her finances and I've stepped in to get the pension and death benefits applications completed and processed. I'm also stepping in on the VA reimbursement application, and the health premium/costs reimbursements. Since I'm not POA and Trustee, getting these things accomplished has been very stressful on both me and my mom. The challenges are draining me.
If she does have a formal medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment then I would definitely engage an attorney to review your evidence to see what next steps should be. Don't guess. You need to stop spending your money on groceries and aids and put it towards an attorney so that the financial bleeding can be permanently stopped.
If your Mom does NOT have a diagnosis of incapacity, if she's still legally capable of making her own decisions, then I'm not sure why the Trustee is engaged, plus I don't think you trying to pry the Trusteeship out of your sister's hands will work because your Mom WILL defend her.
It's very common for an elder who is being abused or neglected to defend that person if they are their child or close relative. You may need to convince your Mom to see the attorney with you, but she needs to be set in her mind to go through with it or else it will look like coersion to that lawyer. Not a good look for you.
Your sister won't be happy no matter what and once she finds out what you're trying to do, will go full steam ahead to block you from your Mom. It's a sticky situation but you MUST stop funding your Mom's life. Propping her up only makes it look like your sister is doing her job. If your Mom is being neglected you will need to step completely away and then report her to APS. But don't be surprised if your Mom still defends your sister. If she does then you need to back away completely. It is 100% unsustainable to be paying for her needs. You are just robbing yourself of your future care, or even current care and needs.
It will feel really hard at first but once there is a single step in the right direction things can improve for your Mom. But you will lose a sister. We don't get to chose our family members but we can chose whether we engage with them or not.
I wish you success in helping your Mom and having healthy boundaries for yourself.
If your sister does have the proper documents declaring your mother incompetent, your mother can't revoke the POA. You'll need to talk to the attorney about how to challenge this on grounds that your sister is not meeting the responsibility.
How did your sister volunteer to be a Trustee, who appointed her as one, and what is in the Trust she was made Trustee of? The benefit applications you're writing about don't involve a Trust. Do you mean Executor of your dad's estate? Did he appoint her to that in his will?
Are you both local to your mother, or is your sister the only one who is there, so your mother feels dependent on her?
This sounds so frustrating. It's good of you to step up for your mother despite the obstacles.
If you throw your own money onto the burning funeral pyre of your Mom what will it be when you need it, but ashes?
That is to start.
Now you say your mother has a Trust. If that trust is funded it is responsible for paying for her care. Unless only a home is left in that Trust, why isn't this being done.
I will leave you with what I have posted already several times today.
We are caregivers.
We are not medical experts, Financial experts, and most of all we are NOT legal experts.
And legal experts are what you now require.
If you have evidence of neglect of your mother by her POA/Trustee then you can start with a call to APS and ask them to check on things, be certain needed records are kept and adequate care hired in.
If that doesn't work to your satisfaction it is off to an attorney and that is where your money IS well spent. You will present evidence of neglect to the attorney.
If of course you mother remains competent? And choose to remain in this care, it would be exceptionally foolish of you to pay for her to do so.
I wish you the best of luck.
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