Mom (87) has clear signs of dementia; Dad (91) is very forgetful. They can still do daily personal care for themselves, but cannot manage finances nor food prep. They have a lovely studio apt at my sister's home, but are rather isolated. Dad is happy there. Mom is not happy most of the time but that is due to her confusion. We have an opportunity to move them into a MC community (funds are limited and this is an amazing development but it seems "too soon" for them to be in MC. Man, this is so tough!
That said, our son is probably waiting for "The Call" which will likely come but hasn't happened yet. No major falls, serious illnesses or hospitalizations (despite the occasional ER visit). In our situation, if I were showing signs of cognitive impairment, as much as I would NOT like it, both of us should probably move into care. If something happens to me while he is still living, I'm not sure that he would be able to maintain our residence or manage IADLs on his own. Our son and family would probably encourage a different living situation.
Like many middle-class retirees, we have the financial resources to self-pay for a limited duration but not indefinitely. IMO, in your/your parents' situation the availability of a desirable placement on Medicaid cannot be taken lightly even if it seems "too soon". You're right that their cognition will not improve; unfortunately, the opposite will occur. It is definitely a tough choice--trying to determine "the lesser of two evils" at this point.
Thanks so much for all the good advice. I'm taking it all into consideration.
You mentioned that funds are limited. Make sure the community will take Medicaid (different from Medicare) should your parents need that later down the road should they no longer be able to be "self-pay".
My Dad lived in MC and he really loved the place. He started out in "Independent Living" with a nice 2 bedroom apartment. When he went to the MC section, it was a small studio apartment which Dad called his "college dorm room".
Hope everything works out as planned for your parents :)
My sister provides the home space and dinners. I take care of finances and lunches. Another sister visits regularly. On Mom's bad days she is verbally abusive to my face and via text messages (yes, she can text, but unable to use the phone to call). She has never been unpleasant to the sister whose home she live in, but she has been very mean to the rest of us (4) siblings. On Mom's good days, she is sweet and kind. Seems to be a cycle of two weeks "good," then one week "bad."
Do expect a decline in both if they are moved. (any change will probably trigger a decline)
Another option might be Adult Day Care for both of them.
This will give mom the socialization that she needs. It will get dad involved but he will not have to move at this point.
And I guess the questions are....
Are they safe in their apartment at your sisters house
and
How does your sister feel about them moving or staying?
and
Who is POA? that is the person that has the most to say about any move.
Any chance that Mom can move alone, or would that be devastating to them both?
AS I said, we just don't know them. And really, the one I would think here with the most say would be sister. I cannot imagine how much longer she can go on in these circumstances? Is isn't fair to her; she is having really no life with this responsibility.
For me the answer would be "placement NOW".
Others might feel differently.
I can only wish you the very best of luck.