I want to be a compassionate - and have for years gently suggested that his continuing to smoke and choose the very foods he should avoid are not only affecting his health and mobility but the attitudes of those who love him. I've watched as his loving family has grown weary of responding sympathetically and now it's happening to me. What I've come to understand is that we care more about losing him than he cares about losing us. This is a sweet-natured, well mannered, successful, generous Christian man - who because of his addictions to smoking and sugar can't take more than 20 steps without falling, can't sleep, smokes while he is on oxygen (two bedroom fires this year), sees Doctors weekly and is hospitalized several times a year - all crises to which those who love him are expected to rally to his side. Sadly, these crises often impact holidays and family/friend events - our own choices to be with him or not almost guaranteed to affect us negatively. If we don't go, we feel rotten and if we do, it's at the cost of cancelling or disrupting meals, travel plans, performances, etc. Despite repeated death-bed vows to reform, I no longer believe that's a realistic expectation; or, for that matter, that lifestyle changes at this point would do anything but make his remaining life miserable. I want to live as long and as healthy a life as I can - and I work at that both so that I'll feel better and hopefully not cause my family and friends to fret. But, my friend has chosen the unhealthiest of paths and I have come to understand that's not going to change. I just want to know how to give up more graciously and not spend the time I have with him encouraging (berating) him to change.