My Mum has been a really awful person for as long as I can remember. Awful to anyone and everyone; from the waitress her brings her coffee to her grandchildren who she supposedly loves.
No one treats her the way she wants to be treated.
She kicked out my youngest sibling when she was in high school. Luckily I am 10 years older and was able to take her in so she could finish high school. She says really nasty things. She is racist, ablest and aggressive.
Over the years all of her six children, except for me, have gone no contact. There is never one thing, it is years or nasty and then the final straw and they say they are done. Her siblings who live interstate and overseas have all gone no contact. My father left her years ago. He isn’t a very nice person either. He left when the youngest kid was 18 and never looked back. He doesn’t want anything to do with anyone. I have no idea where he is.
I have tried to express my feelings to her when she has been particularly nasty to me. But like she does with everyone she just gets angry and leaves. Or she will deny she ever did or said whatever horrible thing. She loves to tell me about the relationships other people have with their children. They love their mum. I don’t love her. I help you out of guilt and obligation.
When my children were babies I never for a second thought that I could rely on my mum. After the birth of my first I told her I was home from the hospital and she sent me her shopping list and said she wasn’t feel well could I do it for her? She would visit and I was exhausted, the house a mess and she would just sit there telling me her problems and saying “I would love a cup of tea”. There were times I would have to tell her that I needed to sleep and she would not care. She would just talk about how tired she was. If I said I was going to bed she would get angry and yell about how she is my mother and therefore I should do this or that. And she wouldn’t treat her mother like that (her mother was not in the same country)
Her nasty has now extended to her grandchildren and their partners. She sent out a text message accusing them of treating her badly. They do not want to deal with her anymore.
I am the last one to not block her. I barely speak to her. I only reply to text messages with emoji’s. I find this way she cannot pick apart my response and accuse it of not being the right behavior/response/action on my part.
She is moving and I have offered to help. But I know she will corner me and say what she loves to say “why am I being excluded. What have I done wrong? Why won’t anyone talk to me? How can I fix it if they won’t tell me?”
Do I cut her off too? I feel like any advice I give her she will get really angry about. If I suggest she sees a therapist she will be angry. Do I play dumb?
Maybe there is no answer. Perhaps I’m just wondering if anyone understands.
If I were you I'd tell her straight up that the reason why her kids and grandkids don't care about her and exclude her is because she's a nasty, abusive, aggressive, instigating racist a$$hole. Use these exact words of mine when you talk to her.
Everyone in your family (yourself included) should write her a letter explaining how she hurt them. Then give her the opportunity to take responsibility for her behavior and actions and let her make amends for it to all of you.
If she refuses, cut her out of your life. Be willing to give her a chance though. If she won't take that chance, that's on her not you or anyone else. So you can put her out of your life with no guilt and no regrets.
All of us understand because we get versions of this. I could spend 24 hours awake with my mother paying attention to her every need and she would complain about the 30 minutes I used to go to the bathroom. Sometime the only thing the elderly have left is to make other people utterly miserable.
"why am I being excluded"
"mum, I'm not certain can I phone ______ and get you to speak to _____about this. I need to focus on helping you get your moving done and I need to pay attention to that. Do you have your _____ in boxes and labeled as to which rooms they go in"
Gray rock video here
www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUmycvTfH5Q
People like this just destroy family relationships. I know this from my experience with my mother who died in June. There is no family bond amongst my sisters and me because of how she was when we were kids. We are just waiting for my father to pass so we can go our separate ways. No one really wants to keep our childhood memories alive.
I didn’t walk away but I think I would have been much happier if I had.
Send her a letter why you are going no contact. Block her calls, put her email address in your spam filter.
Good luck.
Me too . In my case though , no other siblings would have stepped up to help Mom at home and then eventually get Mom safely placed .
Rinse and repeat when she complains she can’t fix it if they won’t talk .
Mom is trying to get you to do her bidding . Classic pitting one child against the rest .
I would encourage your grown children to ignore her and her nasty messages.
It’s up to you if you want to cut ties .
Her behavior will not change.
You owe her nothing.
No matter what you do or don't do she will not change.
I do not think you should help her move. She can hire people to help her.
My advice to anyone with an abusive parent is to remember that the umbilical cord was cut at birth. All womb donors were not cut out for motherhood.
Don't help this person move and block your number. You noticed I didn't use the word mother but person. I wouldn't bother about answering her about why everyone stopped calling or coming around. People can speak for themselves.
Don't further traumatized yourself having conversations with her.
Both of my parents are deceased. I haven't visited either one of their graves in ten years.
I still have an ODAT from Al-Anon and I still read it. Every caregiver should have one and a copy of the Serenity Prayer. I can't tell you how many times saying that prayer saved me from losing my temper.
Then you become the last child to have nothing to do with her. If you can't do that, then you are going to need boundaries. And I guess you already know, don't ever take her in or live with her.
You are not a child anymore, but an adult; why are you having ANYTHING whatsoever to do with this person?
Why have you offered to help her move, when you don’t even text her except for emojis? You say “I know she will corner me”. Give contact details for a moving firm, and stay minimum contact. I worked for a judge earlier in my live, whose mantra was ‘don’t stick your a””s out to be kicked’.