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My Mum has been a really awful person for as long as I can remember. Awful to anyone and everyone; from the waitress her brings her coffee to her grandchildren who she supposedly loves.


No one treats her the way she wants to be treated.


She kicked out my youngest sibling when she was in high school. Luckily I am 10 years older and was able to take her in so she could finish high school. She says really nasty things. She is racist, ablest and aggressive.


Over the years all of her six children, except for me, have gone no contact. There is never one thing, it is years or nasty and then the final straw and they say they are done. Her siblings who live interstate and overseas have all gone no contact. My father left her years ago. He isn’t a very nice person either. He left when the youngest kid was 18 and never looked back. He doesn’t want anything to do with anyone. I have no idea where he is.


I have tried to express my feelings to her when she has been particularly nasty to me. But like she does with everyone she just gets angry and leaves. Or she will deny she ever did or said whatever horrible thing. She loves to tell me about the relationships other people have with their children. They love their mum. I don’t love her. I help you out of guilt and obligation.


When my children were babies I never for a second thought that I could rely on my mum. After the birth of my first I told her I was home from the hospital and she sent me her shopping list and said she wasn’t feel well could I do it for her? She would visit and I was exhausted, the house a mess and she would just sit there telling me her problems and saying “I would love a cup of tea”. There were times I would have to tell her that I needed to sleep and she would not care. She would just talk about how tired she was. If I said I was going to bed she would get angry and yell about how she is my mother and therefore I should do this or that. And she wouldn’t treat her mother like that (her mother was not in the same country)



Her nasty has now extended to her grandchildren and their partners. She sent out a text message accusing them of treating her badly. They do not want to deal with her anymore.
I am the last one to not block her. I barely speak to her. I only reply to text messages with emoji’s. I find this way she cannot pick apart my response and accuse it of not being the right behavior/response/action on my part.
She is moving and I have offered to help. But I know she will corner me and say what she loves to say “why am I being excluded. What have I done wrong? Why won’t anyone talk to me? How can I fix it if they won’t tell me?”
Do I cut her off too? I feel like any advice I give her she will get really angry about. If I suggest she sees a therapist she will be angry. Do I play dumb?
Maybe there is no answer. Perhaps I’m just wondering if anyone understands.

If all of her kids and her grandkids want nothing to do with her, then the problem is HER. Not you, not them. It's her.

If I were you I'd tell her straight up that the reason why her kids and grandkids don't care about her and exclude her is because she's a nasty, abusive, aggressive, instigating racist a$$hole. Use these exact words of mine when you talk to her.

Everyone in your family (yourself included) should write her a letter explaining how she hurt them. Then give her the opportunity to take responsibility for her behavior and actions and let her make amends for it to all of you.
If she refuses, cut her out of your life. Be willing to give her a chance though. If she won't take that chance, that's on her not you or anyone else. So you can put her out of your life with no guilt and no regrets.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Use the Grey Rock method as suggested here. From my experience this question is her baiting you into a long protracted conversation/fight/discussion about how awful she truly is. She wants attention, but it's negative attention.

All of us understand because we get versions of this. I could spend 24 hours awake with my mother paying attention to her every need and she would complain about the 30 minutes I used to go to the bathroom. Sometime the only thing the elderly have left is to make other people utterly miserable.

"why am I being excluded"

"mum, I'm not certain can I phone ______ and get you to speak to _____about this. I need to focus on helping you get your moving done and I need to pay attention to that. Do you have your _____ in boxes and labeled as to which rooms they go in"

Gray rock video here

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUmycvTfH5Q
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Reply to Jhalldenton
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I think it is time for you to walk away too. You can’t fix her relationships. The damage is already done to the family. Your mother will not change.

People like this just destroy family relationships. I know this from my experience with my mother who died in June. There is no family bond amongst my sisters and me because of how she was when we were kids. We are just waiting for my father to pass so we can go our separate ways. No one really wants to keep our childhood memories alive.

I didn’t walk away but I think I would have been much happier if I had.

Send her a letter why you are going no contact. Block her calls, put her email address in your spam filter.

Good luck.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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waytomisery Jan 30, 2025
“ I didn’t walk away but I think I would have been happier if I had “ . Hothouseflower.

Me too . In my case though , no other siblings would have stepped up to help Mom at home and then eventually get Mom safely placed .
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If anyone deserved to be cut off, it is this person. What exactly do you get out of your relationship with her? Anything good at all? Everyone else has made the decision to walk away, why do you stay? What is the benefit to you?
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Tell your mother that you are not going to speak for other people . Tell her that is between her and them and you will not get in the middle .
Rinse and repeat when she complains she can’t fix it if they won’t talk .

Mom is trying to get you to do her bidding . Classic pitting one child against the rest .

I would encourage your grown children to ignore her and her nasty messages.

It’s up to you if you want to cut ties .
Her behavior will not change.
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Reply to waytomisery
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Get out of the FOG...(fear obligation, guilt)
You owe her nothing.
No matter what you do or don't do she will not change.
I do not think you should help her move. She can hire people to help her.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Yes, you also cut her off.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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IF you insist to continue helping, 'Sorry mom, you'll need to ask them. I'm not a mind reader.' ad nauseum. Then grey rock the rest of the time.
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Reply to MyNameIsTrouble
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Your father and siblings have the right idea. Time to be more like them.
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Reply to olddude
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I've had horrible parents at times. They took turns being awful. My mother was so mean to me after dad left home. I joined Al-Anon and was told when she starts up with the verbal abuse to go outside on the porch and take a flashlight and my ODAT. The One DAY AT A TIME was a daily reader of Al-Anon approved literature. I remember sitting outside on the porch at night in my coat with a blanket, flashlight and book while my mother ranted and raged in a sometimes drunken stupor saying horrible things that would probably make Satan cringe. She would terrorize me if I stayed in the house.

My advice to anyone with an abusive parent is to remember that the umbilical cord was cut at birth. All womb donors were not cut out for motherhood.

Don't help this person move and block your number. You noticed I didn't use the word mother but person. I wouldn't bother about answering her about why everyone stopped calling or coming around. People can speak for themselves.

Don't further traumatized yourself having conversations with her.

Both of my parents are deceased. I haven't visited either one of their graves in ten years.
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Reply to Scampie1
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BurntCaregiver Jan 30, 2025
OMG, Scampie. That's terrible. My mother was not an alcoholic but she would rant, rave, and escalate. One time when I was a teenager she went too far and I got physical. That's when I took my younger sibling and we left.

I still have an ODAT from Al-Anon and I still read it. Every caregiver should have one and a copy of the Serenity Prayer. I can't tell you how many times saying that prayer saved me from losing my temper.
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Oh, I loved this, MargaretMcken! So funny, but so true!
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Reply to Scampie1
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You tell her the truth. Because your a nasty person with no sympathy or empathy. You feel the world should revolve around you. Sorry Mom, it doesn't. When someone loses a husband, children and now grands, its not everyone else, its you.

Then you become the last child to have nothing to do with her. If you can't do that, then you are going to need boundaries. And I guess you already know, don't ever take her in or live with her.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I don't have any answer, but I surely do have a question.
You are not a child anymore, but an adult; why are you having ANYTHING whatsoever to do with this person?
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I’m sorry you’ve never had the mother you needed or deserved. It seems pretty clear from your description she has lifelong mental illness of some sort that’s gone undiagnosed but is present and dominant nevertheless. People have wisely distanced themselves to protect their own emotional health for good reason. Only you know if you can or should continue to communicate with her. Protecting yourself is never wrong. Never try to justify or explain yourself, it won’t work. Neither will trying to make her see or understand her behavior. I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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There is an answer. Be honest. Tell she has alienated everyone in the family from her because of her miserable treatment of them, and that you have finally had enough too. Then say goodbye, block her yourself, and don't look back. Why do you deserve to be treated this way? You don't. Please get some therapy for yourself to understand that, and to be able to live the rest of your life in happiness and peace of mind. THAT is what you deserve.
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Reply to MG8522
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If your M “has been a really awful person for as long as I can remember”, she will have had many many experiences of family and friends telling her why they are walking away from her. One more time from you will achieve nothing.

Why have you offered to help her move, when you don’t even text her except for emojis? You say “I know she will corner me”. Give contact details for a moving firm, and stay minimum contact. I worked for a judge earlier in my live, whose mantra was ‘don’t stick your a””s out to be kicked’.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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