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I am honestly at my wits end. My mom is 88 and my dad is 90. They live in a two story home with the primary bedroom being upstairs and no full bath downstairs. Mom has lost all interest in bathing, cooking, cleaning, going to church… all the things she used to do all the time. Definite signs of dementia but the hard part is now that I am trying to help them get into an older adult living community she is resistant. My dad wants to, but he tries to keep the peace so he goes along with what she says. Any help or advice?

You can try a therapeutic fib to get her there, but your Dad needs to go along with it. He picks out a facility that has a continuum of care (so that they never have to move again). He tells her that their house needs some important repair work (electrical or plumbing) that will take a while so they'll both be going to a temporary apartment. Then you move them in (with the admins knowing the plan, they have seen it all and will be happy to play along).

You do not need to tell your Mom anything until they day they move.

I'm hoping your parents have assigned PoAs... if not this is a guaranteed problem when trying to manage their future care and affairs.
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Kuhlmania: There exists zero reasoning with dementia.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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There is no reasoning with dementia.
You will not convince anyone here of anything at all.
It is useless to attempt to and I would imagine your attempts have gone on long enough now for you to have an inkling of that.
Let me ask you if you are POA for these two? Or for even your father?
At some point you and your Dad need the hard talk. Your mother needs a diagnosis from her doctor (perhaps a neuro-psyc consult). You may want to have this talk with Dad and her doctor if HE is POA or only next of kin.

She will not agree to the placement.
If her AGREEMENT is the only circumstance where this is to be done
then this WILL NOT BE DONE, and given that you will have to make other plans.
That may include getting home care in home. If there is not income for that then a reverse mortgage would be good here. It would perhaps sustain these two in their home while they live out their lives, then be paid off when they enter care, and the proceeds pay for the care.

There are some options here FOR THE FUTURE because for now they are not going anywhere until a crisis comes. And it WILL.
The options for their future greatly depends on their assets and what the future brings.
I would buy yourself an hour of time with an Elder Law Attorney or a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice to talk through the facts, the assets, the future and present options.

I sure do wish you the best. You are right where so many on this Forum are. When my brother got Lewy's dementia and made me his POA/Trustee I was SOOOO relieved that after talking and exploring the options he agreed with me that ALF was best for him, because any disagreement with an elder moving into aging and dementia is a no win situation with a whole lot of grief on all sides.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will update us.
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Kuhlmania Nov 15, 2024
thank you so much. I really appreciate your insight and suggestions. I am the power of attorney for my mom (after my dad of course) and my dad is fully on board but doesn’t want to create waves with my mom so he lets her have her way.

it’s so hard to make these decisions…. It feels like I’m the bad guy. 😕
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You won’t convince mom of anything, don’t try again, just frustrating to you both. Talk privately with dad, and hopefully get his cooperation, helping him see they cannot continue in this unsafe environment. If he will cooperate you’ll likely be able to move them both. Use as many lies as needed. An assisted living director can guide you on ways to make this happen and advice from an elder care attorney is always valuable
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Kuhlmania Nov 15, 2024
Thank you for your comment. My dad is fully on board. He just likes to keep the peace as she can be a bit combative… Not physically, but I’m sure you understand.
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Margaret, when filling out the Profile Page it can be somewhat confusing regarding age, as the OP thinks AgingCare is asking their age, not that of their parent/other. Also, many do not realize that "independent living" is for a senior living facility, as it sounds like one is living in their own home. Wish AgingCare would clarify those questions.
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We found a good independent living place where they could get in-home graduated care. She would see through all of that unfortunately. She’s cognitively aware … it’s just a challenge because it feels like she’s being a petulant child at times.
I do have power of attorney.

Thank you for your helpful counsel. I appreciate it.
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Geaton777 Nov 16, 2024
Even as PoA you cannot force someone who is resistant. Your Dad is the one who needs to be convinced to go. Then she will follow.
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I will assume that you are 58 and you meant parents are independent. It will come down to its not what Mom wants its what she needs. Your Dad will not be able to care for her when he needs become more. My Uncle and Aunt were in their mid 80s when family decided they needed to be in an AL. They took them to see a nice Assisted Living. They ended up being told this was their new home. Both were still cognitive. But Grandson had been given POA.
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Ask care places if they can stay a night and see how they feel about it.
My dad at one stage stopped bathing cooking - did surface cleaning. It wasnt dementia -
he was tired and we found out he had underlying health issues - wearing him down. We altered few things to help him.. so for bathing we replaced it with bowl with water and a little disinfectant and flannel to wipe down - helped apart form private areas and left the room or turned around. He still make excuses but we insisted on his daily wipe downs and helped him change (turned to allow him dignity for private areas... but enabled us to see how much he was struggling - what a chore it was lifting his arms for instance. How long it took to change. We purchased a size larger on clothes to get in and out of faster and that helped. When we are in pain /aching its hard to feel like socialising. We insisted on dad sitting in the garden for short periods now and again and enjoyed a chat until he was suggesting it himself as he started to feel better. For my dad it proved he had a heart issue so there was an underlying reason why he felt extra tired. We got additional aids to hep him - 3 prong walking stick - disposable undies - they all help. Sometimes correct whats underneath (unless of course it is dementia) and a lot of other stuff starts to fix as a domino effect. I'd contact a few places and ask if they can have a night to test so to speak or visit? Its not going to be plain sailing - it wasnt with my dad - he even accused my sister of bullying him - later he thanked her and acknowledged her efforts. So bear with it.
Another route is to organise a care person to come in - non negotiable or doctor and they can assess/advise further. Good luck
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Purr512 Nov 21, 2024
You sound so amazingly compassionate and kind. I'm sure your dad is grateful.
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Since they are both alive, the first thing you should do is to appeal to them both to protect each other by getting the legal work done to give you POA for both their finances and healthcare decisions. Explain to them that if one becomes incapacitated, they will both be at risk and will need protection. Getting that done is essential before they are at risk of the state getting involved because of elder care issues while they could be over-ruled by the state. Once you get that done, you can then figure out their realistic options to present to them.
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She needs an evaluation and treatment by a medical professional. Start with her usual doctor to rule out physical/medical issues. If that is ok, then ask for referrals to a neurologist (for dementia eval) and a psychiatrist for possible depression. All of them can help you and your dad know and understand your mom's issues and treatment options. Moving will not make your mom more biddable but maybe dad will allow you to get "help" into the home: cleaning, yardwork, companionship...
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