I am caring for my fiancé’s grandmother with dementia. She has three children; all of whom don’t have the time or ability to care for her. She has always treated me with hostility but now that we have moved in and I feel as though I am being abused. Maybe I am over reacting but she has ripped blankets off of me, thrown metal objects at me and threatened to have my son taken away (just to name a few). Her children are all unable to take care of her and brush off any update I give them on her violent tendencies. She is telling her children that I do nothing for her or her household when the only thing I don’t tend to is the yard work because my fiancé and I agreed he would take responsibility for it. She has called me fat, stupid, lazy, neglectful everyday and has even tried to call the police because she thought I stole her phone when she simply misplaced it. I am having a tough time handling my own mental health and feel as if I am alone in thinking that her berating me is harmful not only to me but my four year old. My fiancé is aware but has no idea what to do about it. How can I talk to her children (with their own health problems, jobs and families) to where they will listen to me about her progressing aggression?
1. There is the Area Agency on Aging. There is one for each county in the US. They can usually provide a "needs assessment" which will tell you exactly what gma's level of need is. They may also be able to help with locating resources like Adult Day Care and respite care.
2. The is Adult Protecttive Services. I'm going to assume that at some point, you and your little boy are going to need to move out for your own safety. You can call APS and report that Granny is about to become a vulnerable adult with no one to care for her.
3. If she becomes violent, I would absolutely call 911 and have her transported to the hospital. I would advise the same if she falls. I would not attempt getting her up as you might hurts yourself. Getting her admitted to a care facility is much easier after a hospitalization.
4. Find and watch every video that Teepa Snow has made. Dealing with a dementia patie t is not like talking to another adult with an intact brain. There are techniques you can use that may help diffuse some of these situations.
5. And, as I advised you in my first answer, getting her to her doctor or a geriatric psychiatrist for an evaluation for meds could be very useful.
6. Always remember that a sudden change in mental status may mean that she has developed a UTI (urinary tract infection). These can cause psychiatric symptoms in elders.
7, you are not the first you g person who has been tempted by the offer of free rent and "oh, granny just needs a little looking after". Your fiance's family may simply be clueless about her needs or they may be real "users" who think you are too naive to get out of this. Become an expert on Dementia via Teepa Snow and reading everything you can on Alz.org. Know that caregiving is expensive and that, even with room and board, you should paid a living wage. Know your worth.
8. Remember above all that your child's welfare comes before all else. If he is showing signs of stress, you must leave. Call county Social Services and find the nearest family shelter and live there until you can make a plan for daycare and a job.
((((((Hugs))))) and the best of luck to you. Please keep in touch with us. We care!
I'm decades younger than Grandma, but I feel "living together" exploits venerable women and choose not support it in my personal life. I respect other people have the right to make choices in their own lives but then so do I. When my nephews were younger this caused a few uncomfortable moments when they wanted to stay over in my guest room with a live-in girlfriend. Nope, she can have the bedroom and you can sleep on the couch or an air mattress in the living room.
Geriatric psychiatrist may be to prescribe medications to curb the worse of grandma's aggressiveness so she stops throwing things, but if she really objects to your presence on decades held moral grounds, then she is never going to be pleasant to you or stop talking about you to others. At that point, you will need to decide what level of abuse you are willing to take. Please understand not defending your child from abuse may fracture your relationship with him in ways that are very difficult to ever heal.
Please note if there is any custody issue with your child's father, living with grandma's abuse could become an issue. Even without any custody contention, if your child is significantly injured by an object thrown by grandma you may find a family court order requiring you to remove your son from grandma's home or a custody revision to protect the child.
I understand work opportunities during the covid recession are difficult so getting your own apartment may not be a realistic option at this point, but you need to find someplace else for you and your son to stay or at least somewhere your son can safely stay during grandma's waking hours to reduce his exposure.
APS has social workers to help find options for grandma's care; both in home services and LTC placement. If grandma's children are not willing to work on alternate arrangements, then you may need to report your concerns. Family and children's services can help you find resources for yourself and your child, including a temporary stipend and SNAP. Unemployment benefits are available for people who cannot work because of covid. Many women's shelters may help you as their staff is very knowledgeable of services and affordable apartments. Please investigate what public support is available.
You say you are newly engaged. Where were you and your little boy living before? It really does sound as if you need to think again about the whole arrangement, and you can probably do that best if you're not living in this horrible situation. Can you return to your previous home, and if not do you have any of your own family that the two of you can stay with for the time being?
Your profile says you, fiance and your son had to move in. Why for Pete's sake?!
If you choose to subject yourself to abuse and gaslighting, then so be it. But don't tell yourself that you had no choice.
Get GMA seen by a psychiatrist for her delusions and paranoia. Meds might help.
Talking to her children doesn't even enter the picture. They have made their own choice. And it is time now for you to make YOUR choice.
You can get out, there is no "we". Gma and fiance are taking advantage of you and using you. Gma is not your responsibility, your son is. Your son is not fiances's responsibility nor grandma's only yours. What will you do to protect your son?
Can't leave financially due to covid? You should be paid for the care you are providing. Do you know the value of that care? 24/7 home care in most areas of the country will cost in excess of $12,000.00 a month!
Take off your blinders and or rose colored glasses. You remind me of a friend that is to be married to a felon in a couple of months. This guy is a creep and she just does not see it or is in denial. Or is a person that has to have someone to take care of or is afraid to be without a relationship.
Your fiancé can also see an attorney to get advice on the options and also talk with her doctor. Does anyone have DPOA? I hope you can feel better after getting her somewhere she can be cared for.