Mom can't remember stories or comments she has made to me or my siblings. This is a problem bc my siblings do things behind my back when mom tells them a story of lies or half truths about me or problems I'm trying to fix. Mom doesn't realize she does this and my sisters don't either. Worse yet mom will also get other people involved when I'm already working on a concern of hers. And this is a problem bc they think I don't know what I'm doing.
Here's my question: As the caretaker of an 82yo with serious memory issues AND insists on working her job until she drops dead, how do I defend myself when she tells others the latest version of her life events? I constantly correct others but when it comes to my sisters they are very critical and judgemental toward my efforts.
I'm not sure if I've given enough info to come up with a solution but I didn't want to write a dissertation.
Thanks for your feedback, Armored with wet noodles!
Only you can decide when you do not wish to be the caregiver anymore.
The caregiver is beset. She moves from being the darling daughter to being the hated caregiver who sets limits and addresses problems. She is not beloved of anyone, and that's a fact.
If you are your mom's caregiver, and the rest of the sibs would like to know what said caregiving is, I would suggest to them that they take on a week of care, thus both learning for themselves AND giving you much needed respite. Sounds a good plan all around!
You have tough decisions ahead. But the one certainty is that this isn't going to get better. Not everything can be fixed.
With regards to your sisters, it sounds more like a family dynamics problem, letting someone with a broken brain pit you against each other.
This may come under the heading of "Declining Elder Who Insists She Is Independent But Is Being Propped Up By Someone Else." If you are the "someone else," you could stop doing it. Then what is going on becomes clear to everyone, including mom, who doesn't count because she has dementia. Yes. DEMENTIA.
"I constantly correct others" may be the crux of the matter. People don't like to be corrected, even if they are wrong. You therefore come across as critical and judgmental, just like you think they are.
One solution is to stop taking everything onto your shoulders. Let it play out so that her lies, cognitive state, and mistakes are revealed. Stop running after her with a mop to clean up the mess. There never is a mess as long as you're fixing it. If you stop working on her concerns, she has to figure it out, and she can't. Refuse. Refuse again. Then someone else (sisters) may try to unravel it. Or not. And that's the best fix of all, if you want to make your point with them. Making your point should lead into "Where can we place mom now that she's in mid-stage dementia?" That's where this is going, and faster than you think.
Until you all fully understand the severity of dementia, and what it all entails, these issues will continue.
Perhaps you shouldn't be the one caring for your mom since it seems you take all of this a bit too personal.