Mom can't remember stories or comments she has made to me or my siblings. This is a problem because my siblings do things behind my back when Mom tells them a story of lies or half truths about me or problems I'm trying to fix.
Mom doesn't realize she does this and my sisters don't either. Worse yet, Mom will also get other people involved when I'm already working on a concern of hers. And this is a problem because they think I don't know what I'm doing.
Here's my question: As the caretaker of an 82yo with serious memory issues AND who insists on working her job until she drops dead, how do I defend myself when she tells others the latest version of her life events? I constantly correct others, but when it comes to my sisters they are very critical and judgemental toward my efforts.
I'm not sure if I've given enough info to come up with a solution but I didn't want to write a dissertation.
Thanks for your feedback, Armored with wet noodles!
Your mother's fading sense of reality is making you look bad. And you want it to stop. You can not control what your mother says, or what other people think.
Just have confidence in yourself, do the best you can, and step back from your mother if this is really bothering you.
And being quick to defend yourself against rumors will only backfire. He who "doth protest too much" appears guilty of the accusations.
I'm wondering exactly what you are doing for Mom now. You mention problems you are trying to fix. Problems with Mom? Or are you sharing details of your own life with your mother, who then repeats it, incorrectly, as gossip?
If you are trying to fix problems with mom, get your siblings involved. Ask for their input. Sharing information with them, if they live farther away, may help to alleviate their feelings, especially if they don't really have a clear picture of how your (and their) mom is doing.
You do not need to explain or defend yourself. Other family members are welcome to try and take over the job if they feel they can do better.
This might be a good time for you to let go, and back off a little. You deny that you are "propping her up". If you are doing anything to enable her to feel that she is living independently, she will fail to see that she is not so independent.
Stop helping her with every little thing and let her fail a bit. Let her work til she drops dead. If clients or co-workers see her unable to perform her job, they will put a stop to it - clients will stop coming to her.
If she is struggling with little things that she finds confusing, Let her.
When she tells other people untrue things that make you uncomfortable, simply remind them that her mind is "not as sharp as it once was", and leave it at that.
I would definitely not allow her to drive a car, if she is still doing so!
If she becomes confused while behind the wheel, it not only puts her in danger, but endangers the lives of others! If she thinks she is independent, she will not want to give this freedom up! You will need to take away the keys, disable the car, report to her doctor and the dmv that it's time her license be revoked.
Help her find an alternative way to get around. That doesn't mean YOU should become her chauffeur. Point her to other solutions. Home delivery services, ride-share, public transportation, a neighbor or church volunteer.
I had a case some years back where a client had mid stage dementia. She started calling off her weekend help and began calling her nephew to bring food. Even though her care and schedule had been set up by the person who held the POA, she would continue to do this. Her family came over one day while I was there and asked why she didn't have service over the weekend. I told them the truth and said that she cancels her weekend help. I went along with it for awhile until I got tired of cleaning up messes she made over the weekend by trying cook mess in the microwave. This lady became to much to handle at home and needed a higher level of care. One day I went there and her entire support system was there. I never found out what all the hoopla was about. When I arrived everyone left. This lady was famous for confabulating stories.
She lived alone at ninety four. This woman should have been placed in a care home months before, but family denial and no one being on the same page won out every time. Last I heard, she cancelled the agency completely. She is still living in her home.
* Dementia stories or was your mother diagnosed with dementia?
* You need to figure out (if you can) how to get on the same page with your family. This is a priority.
- That your sibling are 'doing things behind my back' tells me that there needs to be more communication - to understand how and why they are doing this.
- You likely 'can't' fix what needs fixing 'if' the family unit isn't on the same page.
If I were you, I would ask for a conference call or all get together to discuss what and who does what ... and deal with any (and all) unfinished business - resentments, etc.
- Perhaps your 'constantly correct others' is coming across as judgmental and criticism. I would encourage a 'serious' family discussion to find out / clarify what you are doing and why, and see if you 'all' can work together somehow.
- If you cannot, then you need to decide how involved you want to be.
Much depends on who has legal authority to make decisions about your mom's healthcare.
- As you say 'they think I don't know what I'm doing" - this needs to be a clear, honest discussion - what you are doing / trying to do / and who is doing what ... when.
* Encourage siblings to learn about the changing brain (dementia). I recommend TEEPA SNOW, her books, You Tubes, etc. There is a lot of information on the internet on how to communicate with a person w/dementia. Many family members interact with their loved one AS IF they are of sound mind ... as they have known for most of their life. Some denial of how the brain is changing and a lot of a lack of information on what is happening.
YOU CANNOT TALK TO A PERSON WITH DEMENTIA AS IF THEY DO NOT HAVE IT. It sounds like this is what your siblings are doing.
* If you are not legally responsible for your mother, then she can 'do' what she wants, i.e., work, etc. What generally happens in these situations is that she'll fall, end up in the hospital, then rehab - then decisions need to be made on how she / the family proceeds with care.
****** Unfortunately, these decisions often need to be made when there is a crisis and in a 'rush' situation.
***** You/r family wants to be prepared as much as possible to avoid last moment emergency needs - such as finding a facility, handling finances, selling a home, enlisting caregivers - and who does what, when.
* I am not sure you can 'defend' yourself. You can try to educate others about her condition (dementia), ask for a group/family discussion to clarify who does what and why ... if this doesn't work, I personally would step back.
At some point, you need to let it go for your own mental health. You might be there already. Don't beat a dead horse.
Gena / Touch Matters
I just stopped getting involved, too many cooks and all.
When I asked why she had other people already working on stuff she asked me too do, she said she didn’t think they were capable of doing it (picking up a prescription etc)
First understand that Mom has dementia and she is speaking a language NO ONE can understand or interpret; that won't change.
Then.......................
Basically I would call any siblings together (if out of town, a form letter) and tell them that mom has dementia, and now when she speaks her combination of dementia and whatever worry she has at the time will combine to present them with some confabulated story or other. Tell them you have no time to interpret for them, nor any inclination to do so.
Tell them that it is up to them to educate themselves regarding dementia and that there are plenty of online videos. Suggest they start with Teepa Snow. Tell them you don't have the time for these "critical" discussions and won't in future be doing them.
Let them know that their partaking of respite care for you, that is to say caring for mom for a week or two, will tell them more than you ever could, and that you no longer intend to try. You have no time to be Educator-in-Chief, nor moderator/mediator for them.
After that, be polite, don't engage in criticism. When it starts, it's time to say, if on phone : "Gotta go Myra, sorry" and hang up. If at home "We aren't going there. I am not discussing this".
That's it. Boundaries are something YOU set for YOURSELF and something YOU enforce. Read Henry Cloud's easy, anecdotal book, the classic for all this, called Boundaries.
You might want to embroider them all pillows that say "Advice is free, and worth less". In your SPARE TIME, you know?
My husband began saying simple things that I would correct. His dementia has progressed to where it is obvious to anyone who is around him much knows whatever he talks about probably hasn't happened... or not the way he tells it.
It is very possible others who are with her on a regular basis know she does not keep her facts straight but good friends rarely contradict their good friends... they often just let it go.
This may come under the heading of "Declining Elder Who Insists She Is Independent But Is Being Propped Up By Someone Else." If you are the "someone else," you could stop doing it. Then what is going on becomes clear to everyone, including mom, who doesn't count because she has dementia. Yes. DEMENTIA.
"I constantly correct others" may be the crux of the matter. People don't like to be corrected, even if they are wrong. You therefore come across as critical and judgmental, just like you think they are.
One solution is to stop taking everything onto your shoulders. Let it play out so that her lies, cognitive state, and mistakes are revealed. Stop running after her with a mop to clean up the mess. There never is a mess as long as you're fixing it. If you stop working on her concerns, she has to figure it out, and she can't. Refuse. Refuse again. Then someone else (sisters) may try to unravel it. Or not. And that's the best fix of all, if you want to make your point with them. Making your point should lead into "Where can we place mom now that she's in mid-stage dementia?" That's where this is going, and faster than you think.
Fawnby I don't hold mom up or do her work, she showtimes around people. This is a term used with when people put on an act in social situations. Anxiety (talking to people) is what throws her off. Other things that throw her off are texts, emails, phone calls, grocery stores, main roads, a new vacuum cleaner, check engine lights, cell phone trouble....do you see where I'm going with this? I truly love mom and am not at her side each time she calls bc I want her to figure things out herself....it's just getting harder to do.
I knew there would be questions. It's painful having to talk about mom like this. I've written answers to other questions so I hope you can get a better picture of you read them. I have to come here for questions bc people here know what dementia does to our loved ones. My sibs aren't on the same train as I bc they don't live here. They don't see what I see. I don't advertise to people at her work that mom is losing her memory. Does this help?
Only you can decide when you do not wish to be the caregiver anymore.
The caregiver is beset. She moves from being the darling daughter to being the hated caregiver who sets limits and addresses problems. She is not beloved of anyone, and that's a fact.
If you are your mom's caregiver, and the rest of the sibs would like to know what said caregiving is, I would suggest to them that they take on a week of care, thus both learning for themselves AND giving you much needed respite. Sounds a good plan all around!
You have tough decisions ahead. But the one certainty is that this isn't going to get better. Not everything can be fixed.
With regards to your sisters, it sounds more like a family dynamics problem, letting someone with a broken brain pit you against each other.
Until you all fully understand the severity of dementia, and what it all entails, these issues will continue.
Perhaps you shouldn't be the one caring for your mom since it seems you take all of this a bit too personal.