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My mom lives with me and her newest thing regarding her dementia has been to sometimes forget who I am. She knows she has a daughter but in her mind, I believe, she is thinking of a younger version of me.


My dilemma is that I’m not sure how to respond when she asks me if she can call her daughter, who is me. One time I gave her the landline phone and told her to call her daughter, and ran to the basement and answered my cell phone. I told her I was doing laundry and would be right up. When I came up, she again recognized me.


Today that trick did not work. Most times she starts to get really nervous and scared because she can’t figure out what is going on. I know I’m not handling things in a good way sometimes.


Has anyone else had this happen? What is a good way to respond when she asks me to call me?

Your first strategy seems like a good one - as long as she recognizes your voice. If she stops recognizing your voice, tell her that you like her and that her family wanted you to help her today.
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Reply to Taarna
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When she asks you to phone her daughter/you, say that it's a great idea and that you will, then immediately ask her to tell you the best things about Amy. Compliment her by saying how fortunate she is to have a caring daughter, also that she did a great job raising such a thoughtful (or funny) gal, and that you wish you were her daughter. Then ask her if she's had lunch and what does she like to do best.
Maybe you already do this, so forgive my further suggestions, but do you have a few 5"x7" framed photos of the two of you around the room? Label them with your names under each smiling face. And perhaps a label on top saying something familiar to her, for instance "We love singing…..", name the song, and start singing it when she's lost. Another photo of the two of you can have a label on top reading "Amy says - No matter how old I get, I'll always love my mom Betty".
If you can, get a couple of cobbler's aprons that are exactly the same (both solid blue or pink, your choice), with your embroidered name on it , an apron that could be worn over whatever daily changed outfit you have on. She will eventually not notice your name but hopefully it will buy time and she'll continue to equate for a little while longer the consistency of the apron style and the color with familiarity, safety, good food, giggles and love. Don't let anyone else wear those particular aprons.
Stay strong.
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Reply to MicheleDL
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I'll further add if she is nervous and scared use reassuring words and simple sentences.

"I am your daughter Amy. I am here to fix you dinner."
"I am your daughter Amy. We will watch tv tonight."

Be reassuring and use clear concise simple sentences.
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Reply to brandee
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Amy, I will add that I am sorry you are going through this.

I found that when Mom was at this stage it helped to use clear, concise words and speak in simple sentences.

Another option
"Mom you called me earlier and I am your daughter Amy."
Use diversion
What do you want for dinner?
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Reply to brandee
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Say in very clear, easy to understand tone.

Mom, I am your daughter B_____.

change the subject and ask her a diversionary question

"What do you want for dinner?"
"What do you want to do tomorrow?
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Reply to brandee
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When Mum couldn't recognise me (and only me) after her stroke, at first I laughed and said, ”Of course I'm Mia!" But, then, I noticed how upset, confused and angry she was by my "lying" to her. So, I told her that her daughter would see her soon, that she was at work, or she'd called and said she hopes her day goes well, etc.

I thought it would be forever and I was sad, yet resigned. All that mattered was that Mum was made comfortable.

Thankfully, it was short-lived and Mum started to recognise me again. But I noticed she often didn't recognise me as the dementia got worse. She would pretend she knew who I was until she picked up on a clue as to my identity. She would fake it til she could make it.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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I might try just playing along. Perhaps ask her who does she think you are. Or that
'I'm your daughter's friend and am helping her to be here with you." She may soon forget the conversation and snap back to normal. Sometimes it can agitate/confuse the person more by trying to correct them.
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Reply to SOS369
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My mom does the same. Sometimes she knows who I am. Most times she does not. I feel that I am familiar to her. She just can’t make the connection. She’s a great mother.

Everyone wears Alzheimers differently. I tell mom that she’ll (me) will be right back. I give no details and she is happy with that. She may ask again shortly after and I’ll say the same thing. After a while mom will move on to something else. Hope this works for you.
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Reply to Tdiehsner
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I would tell her, her daughter is working but, she can try calling. Then you can let it go to voice mail and call back later.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is hard at first to be forgotten by a loved one. Just keep being you and she will know that you are a person she can depend on and that loves her, no matter who you are.

My grannie couldn't remember her daughter sitting across from her and I am sure she thought I was my younger mom for a time but, she always felt the love and responded to that.

You are doing great!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Do what is less stressful for your mom.
When my Husband and I were in a store and he would begin to wander off I would ask where he was going. His reply a few times was "I'm going to look for my wife" and I would ask him if it was alright if I walked with him until we found her. I would check out if we were close to the exit and walk him to the car, as soon as he saw the car he would go right up to is.
There were times I put frozen items back, refrigerated items back and we would leave the store.

You can simply tell her your name.
Sometimes leaving the room then coming back will help.
If she gets real upset during these times you can talk to her doctor about medication for anxiety.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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My daddy forgot my name - he knew I was someone he could trust. He was never afraid of me but I only had to deal with this for one year. Some people have to deal with it for years! I was thinking maybe you can get a photo of you younger and make a face mask and wear it as you are around her. With ALZ we have to think outside the box and that just came to mind. I had a friend who's husband had ALZ and would water the plants over and over and over killing them. Finally she purchased plastic flowers and plants and let him water them.
This ALZ is different for everyone and you will need to find something that works for you.
BTW - love the phone trick that was very clever!
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Reply to Ohwow323
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Yes, this is quite common to the latter stages. There can be any response that makes you most comfortable at this point, because none of them will stick for too long, or even work. You can say "I am your darling daughter; I just look older now" or anything you want. I am so sorry.
At some point mom isn't going to know you at all, and will be in some danger with your attempt to manage the enormity of 24/7 care; that may be the time to simply place here. In all honesty, often at that point the unfamiliar "friends" all around remove any need to attempt to confabulate and pretend she knows what's happening. There is sometimes more rest, companionship, and more interesting things to see.

I sure wish you good luck. This is so hard.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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MiaMoor Apr 4, 2025
I absolutely agree with strangers sometimes being easier for a person with dementia to deal with. Mum found trying to understand, or pretending to know what we were talking about, such an effort.
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I don’t have any advice but just want to express sympathy.
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Reply to MG8522
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