My mother in law lived with my husband and I for 2 years. That was 2 years ago. I wasn’t able to handle all the unforeseen changes that came into my life with living with her. I’m 47 my husband is 62 and my MIL will soon be 86. He is the only living child now.
She lives alone in a condo 45 minutes from us. Looking back we had her live with us way too soon thinking it was best for her and easier for my husband who still works full time to have her with us.
She doesn’t drive and is hard of hearing. Otherwise she’s in fair to good health and has her mind still. She spends almost all of her time completely alone. She now says she wished she was living with us. Initially she hated it and constantly said she wanted to return to her condo until we actually had her move back into it.
She’s manipulative and demanding and it nearly broke up our marriage. My husband is not in great health and it’s only getting worse. It is very hard on him to work full time all week then care for her on weekends with grocery shopping and picking up scripts etc.. yet he feels extremely guilty that he doesn’t spend more time with her. He had a great many issues with her while living with us as well.
We’re both nurses and he is adamantly against her ever going to any kind of a facility. The thought of it brings him to tears. The thought of her having to live with me again brings me to tears.
I don’t know that my marriage will survive it again. I have a lot of resentment towards her for many reasons. Mostly that she is so selfish and demanding.
I don’t want to have her living alone if she is she is unsafe either. I also feel guilty for my husband having to care for her over a distance but he completely agreed that it was best for us all.
When is it no longer ok for her to live alone? She refuses to go to groups for elderly people or ride a bus. We didn’t entertain her when she lived with us either. That was another issue, her constant need for interaction when we are simply too tired after working all day and want time to ourselves when we’re not working which is not often.
He will probably retire when she moves back in and I’ll be the only one still working due to my age and our finances. Physically he won’t be able to care for her once she needs physical assistance of which he’s in denial about.
She’s had 3 hospitalizations in 5 years with altered mental status and she’s insulin dependent diabetic with hypertension.
This weighs on me constantly. I feel responsible but so angry. I’m accepting of my feelings about my situation but I’m not so horrible a human that I don’t still care how this is effecting the two of them.
How would we change the dynamic of the living situation to make it better for each of us? I need house rules and boundaries but the mention of anything like this upsets her greatly. She’s a nice Christian lady who tells you about how she looks at the world constantly. It drives me nuts!
Sorry for ramble but it’s a complex problem.
Any advice or insights are welcome!
I would let her be upset. Here are the boundaries, get used to it MIL because they will be enforced if you don't want to go to a facility.
If she won't talk about it and agree, she will be hell on wheels because she won that very 1st go around. Your marriage will probably not survive if she won't work with you both on how it has to be.
I wouldn't cave on this. Your husband needs to get over his guilt and quite frankly man up. He is a husband 1st and a son 2nd, to expect you to be tormented in your own home is asking to much.
In a situation like this, you need to consider yourself first. Your mother in law won't thank you, she will just get what she wants.
Make the best decision for you and your husband, not your mother in law.
Arlene Hutcheon
Whereas what you have in mind is a different thing altogether. You have in mind a community that will provide your MIL with the care, daily support and social interaction that she has already shown she needs.
So, the thing to do first is to find your facility, then get your husband to visit it and talk to the people who live in it. If you can get rid of his fears, you might change his point of view.
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