Myfather is 75 with dementia and I am his live in caregiver. He has not showered in 6 months and only occasionally uses toilet wipes. I see the streets around us littered with homeless people who would give anything to have a shower, yet he refuses and I don't know why. He smells like BO and cigarettes and just sits in his recliner in front of the TV all day and night unless he gets up to use the bathroom. I have to believe there's a point where it's considered acceptable for me to force him to bathe. Looking for advice.
Add to the mix the fact this man also smokes--he is absorbing the smoke into his system and essentially out-gassing the remnants into the air as he breathes, and out of his skin as he sweats.
People can stay very clean without showering, but it require the aid of someone who is bringing in the hot soapy water, doing the cleaning & wiping and then drying the patient off with plenty of towels.
My DH had a liver transplant 19 years ago. Obviously with that enormous incision, he could not shower. I took a large basin, filled it with really hot water and a non-sudsy soap. We'd wash & dry him in 'sections'. The last thing I'd do was to wash his hair in a fresh basin of water. (Actually, I probably went through 3-4 basins of water for one bed-bath.) It was a real chore, as he is a tall man (6'5"!) and this all had to be done in the bed.
After the bath, he got fresh clean pjs and I also changed the bed 3xs a week. Yes, it was a ton of work, but he wanted and needed to be clean.
(That first shower, post transplant, was absolute heaven for him! I climbed in the shower with him and scrubbed him well.)
Now, his aging father fought me on bathing for 6 months. I finally got nasty with him and took all his clothes away and told him I wouldn't take him anywhere if he had not showered. It was embarrassing for him and for me. But he smelled awful (chronic diarrhea) and I wouldn't put him in my car because he was always wearing stained underpants. Sadly, I was the only member of the family that simply forced him to bathe. And I was an in-law. My DH would quail at the thought of mentioning to his dad that he needed to be cleaned.
Eventually, his fighting me over the need to be clean tipped the scales and we were in the process of getting him moved to ALF when he passed away.
Some battles are worth the fight. My FIL passed, probably angry with me for being so tough with him, but I did it FOR him.
"To A Louse, On Seeing One on a Lady's Bonnet at Church"
by Robert Burns, 1786
The giftie gie us this poem so I'll not be believin' people weren't dirty.
You won't have much luck with getting him to shower. Reasoning won't work, and you already know that. Physically forcing him isn't a possibility because he could injure you. You don't have the caregiving skills to manage this.
It's time for professional care for him. He needs a medical and psychological evaulation.
I hope you find him the care he now needs.
He's going Noseblind to how he smells.
Have you ever considered getting him to fill the sink full of hot soapy water and getting him to wash himself while standing up? You can get him to stand on a towel and he can at least get him clean smelling?
Does your shower have a shower seat or ledge? He could sit on that soap up etc and then rinse off with the wash rag.
Often a parent with dementia reaches a point where they will not listen to their adult child anymore .
If an aide coming to the house is not successful , then I recommend placement .
Good Luck
Often someone with dementia will listen better to an outside source coming in to help than they will from family.
6 months not showering is 6 months too long. He should be showering at least once a week, and using the extra large body wipes for the in-between times.
And if you're brave to try and get your father to shower, I would suggest that you get everything set up first, grab bars, slip proof shower mat, shower chair, and hand held shower head and then you TELL him it's time for his shower and not ask him. And of course you will more then likely have to help him take his shower to be sure that he gets good and clean, which yes will mean you being the one who scrubs him up real good, if you opt not to hire with his money a shower aid.
there may be a lot of reasons that he does not want to shower.
Fear
He does not know what to do.
He needs more help than either of you realize.
with dementia he is past the point of you saying "dad you need to take a shower"
You are at the point where you get all the things that he will need
Shower chair or bench
Towels
Soap
Shampoo
Clean clothes
and you TELL him that it is time to take a shower and YOU physically help him to the bathroom and begin removing his clothes and YOU shower him.
this is not an easy task.
the bathroom is loud.
The bathroom is scary
the head and torso are "vulnerable" areas so try not to let the water hit those areas first. If you have a shower wand let him help direct the water. (you will get wet)
Pick a time of day when he is at his best. For some that is morning after good night sleep others a bath or shower before bed is relaxing and may help sleep.
If so, and you cannot manage his care, it is time for him to be in-facility care where he will be taken care of by several shifts of several workers each to just manage things for him.
If he is NOT demented and simply chooses to live in squalor, then the question becomes more one of why are you staying with him?