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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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First, Dementia takes away reason and empathy. They become self-centered and Needy (which I don't do well with) I asked Mom's Neurologist if her personality would change he said...if they were nice before, they will be nice after. If they were nasty before, they will be nasty after. If they were nice before and nasty after, they were really nasty just knew how to cover it up.
I think the last one, nasty just covered it up would have been my MIL. TG we did not have to find that out. She passed at 91. Her motto was "You can attract bees with honey better than vinegar" She came off as a sweet lady but when she did not get her way, she was nasty. She got her way by being passive-agressive. She did what she wanted and then was sulky when you did not appreciate it. She always wanted to buy me clothes. I don't like people buying me clothes. This upset her till my Mom told her she did not buy me clothes. Jewelry, I don't even wear it. Other than my wedding band, engagement ring and a gold chain my sister gave me. She also was a liar. Here's were the word personality disorder comes in. Seems this was a childhood problem too. She told lies about me to family. TG one of DHs Aunts was my GFs mother and knew me because she told her sisters E was lying. How did I handle it. She only lied about me when I went to her house alone. So, never went without my DH. We had a cordial relationship. I never disrespected her. I am so glad that we never took her in. I am sure she would have been manipulative. DH was always the one that did for her.
You deal by setting boundaries for yourself. She will try to cross them, you just stand your ground. Now that Dementia set in, this will be hard. They are like toddlers. They want there own way. Have temper tantrums and manipulate. Don't argue with her, just walk away. She has a tantrum, walk away. She is your husbands mother, leave her with him and get out of the house. He should be her caretaker, not you.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is on a spectrum. So, you can have a covert, and a malignant narcissist at the far end of the scale. You can have someone mid-range who is between the two. I find this one the hardest to deal with because the niceness comes with a price to pay. They have the attitude that I was nice to you, so you owe me followed by a demanding attitude of I'm going to make your life a living hell if you don't give me what I want right now! Sometimes they don't know what they want because they are so out of touch with themselves; so, they keep poking at you getting a kick out of your anxiety and watching you doing back flips to please them. My advice to anyone being treated like this is to just stop. This is an old miserable person who is not doing a thing to make their situation any better especially if they still have some measure of control over their mental faculties. Don't let drive you out of your mental health.
There are also people that become 'Controllers' due to their anxiety.
I know one that instructs fellow diners where to sit in a restaurant. Stays polite, the request is at first a *suggestion* where others could sit, then a nice request, then an explation to why she is so special & needs to sit where she wants due to .. whatever. Until she gets her way.
Attempts to control the environment & everyone in it to soothe her own anxiety needs.
Then there are the 'Complainers'. Always looking to find fault. Eg a cup of tea is made for them but it's too.. whatever. Too hot. Too strong. Too milky. Or the cup is wrong. I met one of these last week. Got the vibe so brought a tray with cup, teabag, sugar, milk, spoon. Smiled sweetly as I suggested she could make it 'Just as she preferred' 😁 Sill complained! Said/barked "Where is the biscuit!!"
Those folk are either very bored or depressed imho.
It takes much practice to not let these types get under your skin. Reducing contact is the easiest way.
It was easy, mine was a jerk and I chose not to have a relationship with her for 40 years. By the time she was in her 80s and gave herself COPD because she smoked cigarettes (because she was vain and didn't want to gain weight -- and she was supercritical of those who put on a few pounds and made sure they knew it), I made it clear I worked full time and wasn't going to do anything for her. I wasn't the solution to the problem.
I dealt with my lifelong manipulative , abusive narcissist of a mother my entire life . She chose me and groomed me to be her caregiver . I could write a book as many others here could as well .
I’m going to cut to the chase of what needs to be done , as told to me by my mother’s doctor when I was at the end of my rope.
The doctor said that my mother will never be nice to me , and that “ She needs to be taken care of by NON FAMILY . She needs to be in a facility where there is staff to take care of her because she will continue to try to boss around her daughter ( me)”.
You can never make these people happy . Get your mother in law out of your house and into memory care .
BTW , I am a retired nurse . It is harder to take care of difficult family ( who expect you to be obedient to their demands ) than a stranger for sure . With strangers , you do your shift and can more easily not internalize stress over them , go home and let it go most days .
Surely you jest! Just about all of us on this forum have had the joy(not)of dealing with a narcissist in our lives. There seems to be an abundance of them around. You are not alone.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I think the last one, nasty just covered it up would have been my MIL. TG we did not have to find that out. She passed at 91. Her motto was "You can attract bees with honey better than vinegar" She came off as a sweet lady but when she did not get her way, she was nasty. She got her way by being passive-agressive. She did what she wanted and then was sulky when you did not appreciate it. She always wanted to buy me clothes. I don't like people buying me clothes. This upset her till my Mom told her she did not buy me clothes. Jewelry, I don't even wear it. Other than my wedding band, engagement ring and a gold chain my sister gave me. She also was a liar. Here's were the word personality disorder comes in. Seems this was a childhood problem too. She told lies about me to family. TG one of DHs Aunts was my GFs mother and knew me because she told her sisters E was lying. How did I handle it. She only lied about me when I went to her house alone. So, never went without my DH. We had a cordial relationship. I never disrespected her. I am so glad that we never took her in. I am sure she would have been manipulative. DH was always the one that did for her.
You deal by setting boundaries for yourself. She will try to cross them, you just stand your ground. Now that Dementia set in, this will be hard. They are like toddlers. They want there own way. Have temper tantrums and manipulate. Don't argue with her, just walk away. She has a tantrum, walk away. She is your husbands mother, leave her with him and get out of the house. He should be her caretaker, not you.
I know one that instructs fellow diners where to sit in a restaurant. Stays polite, the request is at first a *suggestion* where others could sit, then a nice request, then an explation to why she is so special & needs to sit where she wants due to .. whatever. Until she gets her way.
Attempts to control the environment & everyone in it to soothe her own anxiety needs.
Then there are the 'Complainers'. Always looking to find fault. Eg a cup of tea is made for them but it's too.. whatever. Too hot. Too strong. Too milky. Or the cup is wrong.
I met one of these last week. Got the vibe so brought a tray with cup, teabag, sugar, milk, spoon. Smiled sweetly as I suggested she could make it 'Just as she preferred' 😁
Sill complained! Said/barked "Where is the biscuit!!"
Those folk are either very bored or depressed imho.
It takes much practice to not let these types get under your skin. Reducing contact is the easiest way.
My husband did it. Not me.
I’m going to cut to the chase of what needs to be done , as told to me by my mother’s doctor when I was at the end of my rope.
The doctor said that my mother will never be nice to me , and that “ She needs to be taken care of by NON FAMILY . She needs to be in a facility where there is staff to take care of her because she will continue to try to boss around her daughter ( me)”.
You can never make these people happy .
Get your mother in law out of your house and into memory care .
BTW , I am a retired nurse . It is harder to take care of difficult family ( who expect you to be obedient to their demands ) than a stranger for sure . With strangers , you do your shift and can more easily not internalize stress over them , go home and let it go most days .
There seems to be an abundance of them around. You are not alone.