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I am committed to caring for my spouse at home, but when he insists we have more physical contact than I am comfortable with I get very anxious and depressed. He is not the same person I married, and often he seems like someone I don't even know anymore. He will spend hours trying to guilt me and pressure me to do what he wants. I have tried distraction and leaving the room, but he just follows me and resists being distracted from his urges. I'm hoping someone can give me some insight!

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This is known as ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior that sometimes comes along with dementia. Ask hubbys doctor about meds to calm him down, then move into the spare bedroom. If the meds don't work, give him more, or place him in Memory Care Assisted Living. But he's still going to have to have his sexual urges calmed down or he'll be asked to leave. A geriatric psychiatrist can help.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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The commitment to caring for husband at home isn't set in stone. It should have been more like "I will keep my spouse at home until his behavior or physical condition makes it unsafe for one or both of us."

When you made your commitment, you couldn't have imagined where his disease would go. When it gets to where you may be raped, or he's peeing and pooping in drawers and smearing it around your home creating a health hazard, or he's gained a hundred pounds and you can no longer transfer him from bed to wheelchair without injury to him or you, time for a different commitment.

Which should be, "I will find the best possible place where my husband can be cared for by professionals according to his present, changing and future needs, and I will advocate for him until death do us part." Also make sure he gets medication that will help him, but don't count on its working. You should start looking for a placement for him today.
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Reply to Fawnby
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For All the people recommending medication, the fact is that men like this are already unlikely to get an erection or have an orgasm. It doesn’t matter as they still crave the memory of satisfying sex however many years ago that was.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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MG8522 13 hours ago
Medication can help to control the impulsivity and general hyperactivity that may be part of this behavior.
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Are you your husband's PoA? If so, and if he has an actual medical diagnosis from his doctor in his records, then print out a copy of the diagnosis (preferably on the clinic letterhead and signed by the diagnosing doctor -- they will provide this if you ask them).

If you ever have to call 911 due to his behavior, make sure to take the PoA paperwork and diagnosis documents with you to the ER. Make sure the discharge planner knows he is an "unsafe discharge" and they will hopefully retain him in a psych wing until he complies with taking medication for his hypersexuality and aggression. Don't take him home until he is taking the meds and improved. He will need to agree to continue to take the meds at home or you need to tell him you'll have no choice but to transition him into a facility where they will make sure he takes the meds.

If you don't get this under control you won't even be able to hire outside help unless they are men (and then your husband may freak out and have delusions of you and the male aid).

Please go into this prepared to protect yourself first and foremost, and only commit to in-home care with your eyes wide open.

I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move forward.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Yup. Medication is in order. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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He needs to be medicated. Talk to his doctor about it. If your husband is still mobile and in good physical shape you may be at risk of sexual assault. You may be committed to caring for your spouse at home yourself and that's admirable, but don't forget your safety has to come first.

Please abide the good advice LoopyLoo has given in the comments. If he gets aggressive or you feel at all scared, call 911.

You should order a rape whistle online and wear it under your clothes. I used to have one when I did client homecare. I carried a small pepper spray too. When he gets too aggressive about sex and is following you from room to room, blow the whistle as loud as you can and scream NO! in his face as loud as you can. This is how you handle the hypersexuality. You put a little fear in it because most of the time attempts at distraction do not work.

Having dementia does not excuse sexual assault and you should not be put at risk. Get him medicated and consider placement as a possibility. Don't you put your own safety at risk being stubborn about taking care of him yourself.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Insight on your part isn’t going to help your husband stop what he’s doing. Call his doctor and explain what’s happening. There are meds for this to help.

In the meantime, if it gets to where he is attacking you or is just scaring you…. Call 911. This can get him a mental evaluation and getting him help he needs.

It also may be time to consider placement. Even if this issue doesn’t last, he will keep declining.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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A surprising very common question on Forum.
I would invite you to go to the search bar and type in the title to your question.
You will find a surprising number of posts about "dementia and hypersexuality".

Welcome to the Forum. The longer you are here and the more you read, the more you will realize that some of our questions are repeated over and over. And there's just a ton of resource material within the search bar portion.
Wishing you the very best, and welcoming you again.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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