I am 66 years old single women. I have been divorced my 20 years. My two daughters and their family live 2 thousands miles away.
I moved in to my 90 years old mother’s home 3 years ago so she could stay in her home. I have my own income and I pay for all my expenses. I do not take any money from my mother. The family says I am living rent free. I do all the cooking, cleaning, yard work everything. I help with my mother's daily shower and hygiene.
My deceased brother's son is 43 yrs old and brother's daughter is 50. When they come for a visit they act as if they are in charge and I am the help. I have asked that the great grandchildren 10,11 and 12 years old not to play hide and seek in my mother's bedrooms ever time they come for a visit for the last 2 years. My niece told my mother that she wanted her son to have the same experience she had as a child coming to grandma house with no restrictions.
A lot of passive aggressive remarks and body language. This is my grandma’s house and I can do whatever I want attitude.
I admit out of spite, I ask them not to get in the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets with out asking. I also asked them not to eat in the living room with out a plate.
I put a lock on the stand alone garage. It has never had a lock. My nephew went out to the garage and complained about it being messy to his grandma. He said to my mother I had a hard time getting around in the garage because it is messy and I don’t know what I going to do about it yet. My belongings and furniture is stored in the garage. The garage is full of a lot of stuff but, not messy. He did not have reason to be out in the garage anyway. He wanted to get his grandfather’s table saw and take it to his home. My father is deceased.
This all seems childish and silly. The adult grandchildren say I don’t make them feel welcome coming for visits. I have asked them to call before they come so I can have their grandma ready for a visit. They live 40 minutes away and come by 3 or 4 times a year. Now they do not call my mother or come over at all.
Maybe my problem is that no one has said thank you for taking care of their grandma. No one ever does anything for free or just because, my mother writes them a check for changing a light bulb.
I never had a dispute with my niece and nephew always a good relationship. Now I don’t like them and they do not like me.
I truly do not want to apologize to them but someone has to be a grown up.
I feel ashamed of my behavior and it is my fault that they do not call or come to see my mother. Which means she does not get to see her great grandchildren.
My mother can not live alone and no one is going to quit their job and lives and move in to take care of her.
My mother is easy to live with and care for. We have a good relationship. She stays in the bed all day watching old western movie and t v shows. Having visitors is good for her and makes her happy. She enjoys visits but she ready for them to leave after 30 minutes.
I would have to say, if you want your children to have the same experience at grandma's house then take them to their grandma's house, this is great granny and it is different. You say their visits make her happy and it is only 3 or 4 times a year. Can you deal with the rambunctious little ones for a visit, it sounds like you get nervous and your mom probably feels the tension and it increases her agitation, just like a baby feeding off it's mommas feelings.
I think locking your personal belongings is completely okay. I think anything done out of spite is not good.
I think that apologizing for your personal behavior is a good way to build a bridge. Write down your points about why grandma can't handle over stimulation and compromise with what the kids can do. Just sitting is a little stiff and probably won't work. Maybe hide and seek with rules about volume and locations, but make sure that your mom doesn't enjoy watching them play. I personally love to watch children playing games that are rambunctious and busy, to much screen time for youngsters nowadays.
I would also do some research about how much a 24/7 caregiver would cost and let them know that you are willing to let them hire caregivers and you would happily start paying rent when you are no longer providing caregiving services that you are not being paid for.
Maybe with my daughters support and backing me we can have the needed conversation with my brothers children. The family need to do there own research about elder care and aging. Anyway
My mothers home is a two bedroom home with a sunroom not a lot space. When we have company the house fills up the volume goes up, a lot of activity.
I don’t no how to explain the effect of over stimulation for my mother. What I go through to settle her.
All I want is..when they come for a visit have the children bring their toys or electronics or play with toys and art supplies here and play nicely. No run and playing hide n go seek in the house. Just be mindful that I do live here and it is to my home too and that I am here to make it possible for her to stay in her home.
You need your own life, your own space. It will come eventually, she will die, then what?
Also, you need to protect Mom’s stuff and her money if you think they are leaning on her too hard or too often. Stay strong and stand for your Mom.
You are being treated like a guest in your own home, like unpaid help, and considered a freeloader by your other family members who haven't the slightest idea of what it's like to care for an aging parent.
Your nieces and nephews are adults. One of those two bedrooms is yours, and it's your personal space. Asking a 43 year old and a 50 year old to stop their children from invading your space should not create havoc. If grandma allows them to play in her bedroom, that's her business. Still, the children should ask for permission and knock before entering a bedroom or any room with a closed door.
The garage is where you keep your belongings. Your nephew should have asked for permission to go in there and should have asked grandma if he could have the table saw. If your grandma agreed, he needs to make arrangements with you to get it out of there because that involves touching your belongings. He sounds quite entitled and disrespectful of other people's things.
You earn your own money; therefore, I would hire a weekly housekeeper instead of doing all the cleaning yourself. If your mother died tomorrow, what would happen to you and to the house where you live? A long battle over inheritance? I know it's unpleasant to think about but your mother is 90 and things can change very fast.
And your mother needs to give someone the authority to make decisions for her should she become unable to do so. Get yourself and your mother consults to an elder law attorney.
I never regretted the feeding tube. She did not have to die of dehydration. I fired hospice when they tried to talk me out of it...but it can take 2 to 3 weeks to die of dehydration and I cannot possibly watch someone I Love die like that. That's MONSTROUS!
I told my brothers when mom dies it will NOT BE ME that does it. God will kill her. And indeed God took her--stole her from me. I had nothing to do with it but nobody on this planet could have given her better care than that I. Nobody.
I would try to write the others a long letter explaining your feelings and asking them to call you when they are ready to. Explain that you love them and that you are indeed not taking any money and find that the working in the home is unpaid, and so, rent is not an issue. Your mother has enough pension to cover the cost of electricity and such. This will lay to rest thier suspicions because most of us come from suspicious families...aka dysfunctional.
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