My parents have been married for 72 years. My mother has always gotten her way with my dad.
My mother over the years has developed a severe anxiety disorder for which she refuses treatment. She claims to have “allergic” reactions to food, metals, plastics, smells, etc. The reactions have never been observed or documented by anyone else. My dad just goes along with her and tells us to leave her alone.
Dad has congestive heart failure. She won’t allow most of the long term Medicaid help they qualify for, the medical equipment she and my dad need, and he does not get the food he needs or sleep he needs.
Since they have autonomy with the long-term Medicaid providers, if she continues to refuse help, my parents may not have any support either medically or home care.
My sisters and I have discussed having to take legal action so they both will have a safe place to be (meals, equipment, etc.) but are unsure what to do.
It's nice to think your mom and dad can't be broken up after 72 years together, but what you have is a mom with a mental disorder making the decisions for both of them. The mental problem, in my mind, disqualifies her from making medical choices for dad.
No matter what he says (and there may be some cognitive decline going on with both of them), why should he be allowed to decline and die without the care he needs just because mom is too mentally ill to understand that he needs it?
Please involve their doctor. Write doctor a letter explaining the situation. "Oh, but mom wouldn't like that!" Okay, so what? Someone needs to take charge here so the lunatic can no longer run the asylum. Do not discuss with parents. Do not ask what they want. In your communications with their doctor, make it plain that they need care and ask that their medical team recommend and order it.
Meanwhile, scope out some facilities to find some where mom and dad can live happily ever after - together.
I think that this is not the time to interfere in their marriage unless/until your father asks for your help.
We general die as we have lived. Separating your parents now would be anathema for/ to them both.
I know you said your dad just goes along with your mom about all her anxieties, but what about with the behaviors that are directly negatively affecting his health? He would rather go without food and sleep rather than irritate her? Have you asked him this?
Do you or your sister have DPOA and health care proxy for them?
At some point fairly soon I would guess, there will be a crisis. One of them will fall and hurt themselves, have a stroke or heart attack, etc. if something like this happens to your dad, would your mom call 911? Have you asked her what her plans are in a medical emergency?
You could call APS but if they are both legally competent and the house looks halfway decent, they are not likely to do anything, is my guess. And they may guess it was you who called?
Sounds like getting a geriatric care assessor to visit would be difficult and she would reject any suggestions.
Have you tried talking to dad’s doctor? How do they get to the doctor? Could it work to accompany them?
good luck!!