My parents have been married for 72 years. My mother has always gotten her way with my dad.
My mother over the years has developed a severe anxiety disorder for which she refuses treatment. She claims to have “allergic” reactions to food, metals, plastics, smells, etc. The reactions have never been observed or documented by anyone else. My dad just goes along with her and tells us to leave her alone.
Dad has congestive heart failure. She won’t allow most of the long term Medicaid help they qualify for, the medical equipment she and my dad need, and he does not get the food he needs or sleep he needs.
Since they have autonomy with the long-term Medicaid providers, if she continues to refuse help, my parents may not have any support either medically or home care.
My sisters and I have discussed having to take legal action so they both will have a safe place to be (meals, equipment, etc.) but are unsure what to do.
See if you can get your mom to agree to evaluation by doctors - medical to treat documented medical issues, psychiatrist to treat mental health disorders, and maybe a neurologist to diagnose and treat cognitive issues.
Created problems because we didn’t know when she really was having a bad side effect .
I would try to get Dad to a facility, where he’s safe and kept comfortable , including his CHF , rather than suffering short of breath .
Call their County Agency of Aging , perhaps a social worker can talk them into letting help in , or at least get Dad to go to a facility , if not both .
I agree with Fawnby , Mom should not be making care decisions for Dad .
APS is another option .
It would be different if Mom was alone , then I would let her be .
Don’t run yourself ragged propping up a false independence . I made that mistake . My Mom wouldn’t let anyone in either.
Her stubbornness got worse when dementia set in .
Take Dad to a lawyer to name you or sisters POA .
My mother did NOT want anyone in the house. My dad had a stroke and was in rehab. My sister and I coordinated redoing the guest bathroom to ADA so he could come home. My mother chose the nursing facility for my dad while we got the bathroom finished. He wanted to go home - always been the plan, but we needed to make it safe. I worked moment by moment to show the care Dad needed and to convince my mother I could not live with them and she could not take care of him. We got an outside physical therapist in the nursing facility that was step-by-step able to show her that a caregiver was needed at home for her husband to come home.
Even then, it was complain complain complain about and to the caregiver (3 in shifts) that things changed in the house, that things weren't done right, that Dad got all the attention, she didn't need help, on and on and some made no sense together, but all part of the "losing independence" package. I've been there two weeks out of every month since Nov 2021 when my dad had his stroke. I was grateful when dementia really took my mom over and she was "nice" most of the time. It was hard. She passed mid-January 2025. My dad has full memory, body just doesn't work right and is failing. Tasks are much easier for me now (no argument from mom) and hard on dad because she is gone (he has 24/7 care at home - he has LTC and $'s to pay out of pocket - thank God).
I found no doctor, no nurse was helpful, no diagnosis would convince my mother. The physical therapist developed a relationship with my dad, my mom trusted him and he is still coming to the house five days a week. I pray my way through every day (I got home yesterday and go back 15 April unless I'm needed sooner).
Bless you!
I agree that a companion suite in an AL or MC facility is worth exploring.
Them - then You have legal either accept help or they’re putting you into care because you’re not looking after yourself
Is one route
maybe arrange for cars to come in when you’re there so that they can see they’re not the enemy?
It's nice to think your mom and dad can't be broken up after 72 years together, but what you have is a mom with a mental disorder making the decisions for both of them. The mental problem, in my mind, disqualifies her from making medical choices for dad.
No matter what he says (and there may be some cognitive decline going on with both of them), why should he be allowed to decline and die without the care he needs just because mom is too mentally ill to understand that he needs it?
Please involve their doctor. Write doctor a letter explaining the situation. "Oh, but mom wouldn't like that!" Okay, so what? Someone needs to take charge here so the lunatic can no longer run the asylum. Do not discuss with parents. Do not ask what they want. In your communications with their doctor, make it plain that they need care and ask that their medical team recommend and order it.
Meanwhile, scope out some facilities to find some where mom and dad can live happily ever after - together.
I think that this is not the time to interfere in their marriage unless/until your father asks for your help.
We general die as we have lived. Separating your parents now would be anathema for/ to them both.
With any luck, we'll make our Final Exits in close proximity timewise, but if we do end up needing facility care, I hope we can remain together.
I know you said your dad just goes along with your mom about all her anxieties, but what about with the behaviors that are directly negatively affecting his health? He would rather go without food and sleep rather than irritate her? Have you asked him this?
Do you or your sister have DPOA and health care proxy for them?
At some point fairly soon I would guess, there will be a crisis. One of them will fall and hurt themselves, have a stroke or heart attack, etc. if something like this happens to your dad, would your mom call 911? Have you asked her what her plans are in a medical emergency?
You could call APS but if they are both legally competent and the house looks halfway decent, they are not likely to do anything, is my guess. And they may guess it was you who called?
Sounds like getting a geriatric care assessor to visit would be difficult and she would reject any suggestions.
Have you tried talking to dad’s doctor? How do they get to the doctor? Could it work to accompany them?
good luck!!