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I'll try and summarize the long story. We have been married 40 years, so definitely a long term commitment. My wife has always been very close to her mom. 33 years ago we moved 500 miles from home. .She never made a complete move and always made many trips back to see mom and family. I made a complete move and went back 1 or 2 times per year to see family and friends.
Now her mom is battling cancer and other health issues and needs 24 hr assistance. Wife has been back with Mom for 2+ months now. Very straining on relationship. I can telework as I approach retirement and have moved into MILs house with them for the past 3 weeks.
Good to see wife, but we have very little time to spend together. Not best condition because I got to bed about 9 pm and up about 5 or 6 am. They are up to 3 or 4 and sleep to 10 or 11 or later.
I feel trapped in the morning, as I just stay upstairs so as not to wake them up. As soon as they wake up, more mom care so I see wife very little.
I'm thinking of going back home, but will miss wife and feel like I'm a bad hubby. Thinking of staying, but feel trapped, neglected, and just wasting my time...Terribly Lost...🤔🥴

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Going to be blunt here because the answer is all important.
What stage is the cancer and how long does mom have?
Because I have had cancer twice, once 38 years ago with surgery and chemo. Once last February with surgery. I am not in need of care (at present) of any kind.

Your answer is everything to this question.
If your MIL is dying then this is something that you have the option of doing for some time. Get up early. Do the shopping, take a long walk. These things are simple to work around really with some thought. And you will be thereby supportive to all. Then know that right now, with a dying (?) mom, this isn't about you. After 40 years you can spare your wife for her concern and her hard work to help her mom, which is her choice in this (seems normal given she never really wished to make the move fully from her, it would seem.)

IF this means moving your life for someone who has cancer and may still have 5 to 20 years more life coming, that's one thing.
If MIL is dying over the course of this year, that's another.

I would encourage weighing out the answers to my questions, recognizing that when you are in a GOOD relationship for FORTY years, stuff happens. When my own brother fell ill of Lewy's dementia 5 years ago, my partner had often to spare me. But we are together now for 39 years. We can go our own way when we need to, knowing the love STAYS.

Good luck. I hope you will support your wife so well as you can in this if she has a dying Mom. If she has a living mom who may go on decades more? People DO with cancer, then you may need a talk; the issues are larger if your wife is really intending to live with her mom now no matter what.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Have you told your wife any of this ?
Is this woman expected to live more than 6 months ? Is hospice involved ?
Is it possible for your mother in law to hire part time help so you and your wife have time together ?

I would just get up go about the house and do what you have to do . You should not have to walk on eggshells . You are already sacrificing . Let them adjust their extreme sleep/ wake times. You should be able to go downstairs by 7- 8 am at least . Also you could put a dorm fridge your room , milk , cereal . Have some other food up there for breakfast , bananas , granola bars etc .

You are not a bad hubby . Your wife needs a reality check that this arrangement is not working . Some changes need to be made and you need some time alone with each other . I wish you luck . Your wife’s totally ignoring her marriage . You have every right to go home if you decide to .
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Reply to waytomisery
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waytomisery Nov 24, 2024
Your description did not sound as if your mother in law was actively dying ( soon ).
This is what I based my answer on .
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It’s time to have a heart-to-heart talk with wife to find out how she views the future of your marriage. She may take it for granted that you’re on board with her plan to care for her mom until the end, and you need to make your feelings clear. Marriages have broken up over less.
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