I've been a caregiver for my parents for almost 20 years. First, for my dad until he passed. I played support person for my mom and helped around her house on weekends, etc. For the last 8 years, I've been my mom's caregiver. She has heart failure, diabetes, and now some memory stuff is happening.
My husband, son, and I moved in after my dad passed to take care of her property and her. Flash forward to today. She refuses to do the things that she is told to do by her doctors, eats whatever she wants, etc. Then she ends up needing medical care. My husband and I have to take time off from work to take her to the appointments.
My sister and brother are useless. Even when I stand up to them and tell them that I need them to be on call for a weekend so I can get away, they have excuses. So, I give up!!
I am so lost. I really just want to just be her daughter and not her caregiver anymore. Shes getting mean at times, snarky, and always makes comments about the meals I make for her. I work from home, so I don't get away from the house much. Soon, we'll be heading back to the office, and that will open another box of crap to deal with.
My only support is my husband. We can't even get away for a night or an afternoon anymore, with out her calling me that she doesn't feel well. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I'm angry, tired, depressed, and just down right sad anymore. I used to be funny and a clown. Now, I don't know who I am anymore — a shadow of my former silly self, I guess.
What should I do? She refuses to pay for any help. She has tons of money in her accounts. I feel so trapped.
I think that you should seek a few sessions of counseling so that you can work out how long you intend to keep doing this 24/7 care, under what conditions and circumstances, and for how long. It is in your hands. Purposely throwing your own life, and that of your hubby, onto the burning funeral pyres of parents won't get you thanks, and often it won't even get you the thanks of the parent him/herself, because you have moved OUT of the realm of darling daughter, and into the realm of caregiver, advice giver, boss, director, nag, and etc.
You are a grownup and I trust you to make decisions for your own life and abide by the consequences of them. There is never any really perfect answer in aging and choices regarding caregiver. As an RN lifelong I was CERTAIN I could never do it. I loved caregiving, but only with doing it three days a week, with 5 weeks vacation, 12 sick leaves days and 12 holidays. Now THAT is doable.
I wish you the best. A Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice is sometimes best to help in life transitions decisions. I hope you'll update us if you choose to seek help.
And the consequence of that is that your mother will need to hire in-home care or move to assisted living or memory care, at her own expense. Her decision. But it will force her to decide and to pay.
Call some home health agencies, who will send you their packets. Also look up the local facilities that have both assisted living and memory care, and get their packets. You might have to go in person for this, but you can narrow the selections down by researching online first. Give them to her when you tell her, so she'll know you're serious.
You can't control what your sister and brother do, so leave them out of the equation. Once you've told your mother, you can send them a factual text telling them that you've decided to move out. If they want to get involved, that's between them and your mom. If they actually show initiative and get involved in the process, great! Welcome their help, as long as it's actually helpful. But calmly turn a deaf ear if they try to guilt trip you or change your mind. And if they don't react and continue to ignore the situation, that's no different from usual.
Have you thought about your housing? If there are homes available and you can make up your mind quickly, go for it. But if not, don't let it derail you. Get a rental, short-term or long-term, while you regroup and make up your mind about where to go for your new future.
Don't put this off until it's too late to reclaim your freedom and enjoy your life.
The simple solution is for you to now find a place of your own for you, your husband and your son so you can live in peace away from your mom.
You have paid your dues and have paid the price so now it's time for you to move out and for mom to pay for caregivers to come look after her or she can move into an assisted living facility.
As long as you are the solution she will NEVER agree to pay for help, so quit being her solution and get your family the heck out of there. She'll figure things out when she has no other choice.
You are not horrible. You are human and you must take care of yourself.