I've been a caregiver for my parents for almost 20 years. First, for my dad until he passed. I played support person for my mom and helped around her house on weekends, etc. For the last 8 years, I've been my mom's caregiver. She has heart failure, diabetes, and now some memory stuff is happening.
My husband, son, and I moved in after my dad passed to take care of her property and her. Flash forward to today. She refuses to do the things that she is told to do by her doctors, eats whatever she wants, etc. Then she ends up needing medical care. My husband and I have to take time off from work to take her to the appointments.
My sister and brother are useless. Even when I stand up to them and tell them that I need them to be on call for a weekend so I can get away, they have excuses. So, I give up!!
I am so lost. I really just want to just be her daughter and not her caregiver anymore. Shes getting mean at times, snarky, and always makes comments about the meals I make for her. I work from home, so I don't get away from the house much. Soon, we'll be heading back to the office, and that will open another box of crap to deal with.
My only support is my husband. We can't even get away for a night or an afternoon anymore, with out her calling me that she doesn't feel well. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I'm angry, tired, depressed, and just down right sad anymore. I used to be funny and a clown. Now, I don't know who I am anymore — a shadow of my former silly self, I guess.
What should I do? She refuses to pay for any help. She has tons of money in her accounts. I feel so trapped.
I would suggest that you begin disconnecting from your Mom 24 x 7 immediately. You have a husband and kid. You need to move out...like now.
If you don't move out, you will be at her beck and call. Start moving out, seriously. The statistics around caregiving says that many times, the patient will out-live their caregivers...and I can see that happening in your case. You owe it to your husband and son to be healthy, both mentally and physically.
As for money, go and get another job that takes you out of the house and potentially talking to non-caregiving people...and please, please, please, do not make your husband or son become your replacement slave.
You might need professional help to get through this transition. This is not easy. Investigate caregiver services. However, you have to move away from your Mom. Chances are that she doesn't realize how destructive she is and her disease may have progressed to the point that she can't control her emotional state.
If your mother is declared incompetent to make her own decisions and there is no POA, she may have to become a ward of the state. Of course, you would just like to be her daughter and not her caretaker, but her care needs are going to become greater and greater, and the situation is not going to go back to just mother and daughter.
if after exhausting your point on this, she is still unwilling to go, you might need to petition the court for guardianship. If she obviously cannot live or do things on her own, then you’ll need to voice concerns about safety and behaviors to the court. Things like can she still keep track of finances, or bathe and groom by herself, if she has an excessive amount of falls, hallucinations/delusions/memory impairment of concern, etc. it helps to keep a journal and record all your concerns as they happen- dates and all. If your area has it, check into emergency temporary guardianship- in my area (Florida) that process takes a shorter amount of time opposed to petitioning for plenary guardianship at the get go. Temporary usually lasts for 90days. With the emergency temporary, you will be able find placement for mom during that time, and probate court will send out 3 court appointed professional evaluator’s to evaluate mom in depth and thoroughly. They will then decide if mom needs a permanent plenary guardian (guardian over person and property) based on their observations. Of course you would be in charge of all her affairs- but it will be NOTHING like you’re going through now. More of the secretarial side of things. Which will leave plenty of room to be able to be just daughter when you go visit her. Also, when it comes to guardianship, all of the costs for facilities/meds/personal necessities must come from her finances. And you can do that legally through all the guardianship. I hope you find your answer and get the break that you genuinely deserve
You need to take control of her finances so that you can make the decisions…you and your hubby need the break. Burnout is real so change the dynamics immediately.. find your peace… we only go this way once!
Sisters refuse to help. I felt really guilty at first charging her - but was also resentful for doing this for free....