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I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I would suggest that you begin disconnecting from your Mom 24 x 7 immediately. You have a husband and kid. You need to move out...like now.

If you don't move out, you will be at her beck and call. Start moving out, seriously. The statistics around caregiving says that many times, the patient will out-live their caregivers...and I can see that happening in your case. You owe it to your husband and son to be healthy, both mentally and physically.

As for money, go and get another job that takes you out of the house and potentially talking to non-caregiving people...and please, please, please, do not make your husband or son become your replacement slave.

You might need professional help to get through this transition. This is not easy. Investigate caregiver services. However, you have to move away from your Mom. Chances are that she doesn't realize how destructive she is and her disease may have progressed to the point that she can't control her emotional state.
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Reply to ChoppedLiver
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You are definitely not horrible your brother and sister could be described as such for letting you deal with it. You need to focus on you and your family. This isn't going to be easy but you and your family need to move out, be close if u can but move out and get on with your life and don't feel bad for doing so.
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Reply to Si7777
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Your mom needs to go into assisted living. That should be a goal for her future. She will refuse and hate you both for a while, but it's necessary. Not sure if you the POA or Guardian. You must take your mom out of that house. I refused a hospital discharge after my mom fell. It was ugly because I was not or POA. The hospital provided me with an Elder Care Attorney. I sold my mom's house and use the assets to pay for her stay and care.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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First off, you are worn out and need a break. The perfect solution is to tell sister mom would like to come for a quick visit on Friday and hopefully be taken out for lunch because she wants to see her. Have mom's suitcase packed with clothes and meds w full instructions written out) for a weekend stay at brother/sister's. Once mom is inside brother/sister's tell bro/sis you have to run out to the car and get something....get the suitcase and set it inside the door. Tell bro/sis you will see him/her Sunday night to get mom that you need a break and then just walk off as quickly as possible. Sneaky...Yes! But if bro/sis hasn't helped after repeatedly asking, then just do it. Don't answer your phone if they are calling and enjoy a nice getaway.
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Reply to Evonne1954
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You and your husband need to leave your mother's house. If you are taking care of your mother in exchange for having a place to live, it's time to revise that plan. You need to find and pay for your own place to live and move out. If your mother is mentally competent, she will have to hire help as needed. So far she has not needed to do that b/c you are there. Don't try to call on your siblings; they have already removed themselves from caretaking duties. You need to do the same.

If your mother is declared incompetent to make her own decisions and there is no POA, she may have to become a ward of the state. Of course, you would just like to be her daughter and not her caretaker, but her care needs are going to become greater and greater, and the situation is not going to go back to just mother and daughter.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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JooFroo Feb 17, 2025
Ward of the state, or if she wants to, she can file for guardianship. That way she has a say-so about mom’s care and placement. If mom becomes a ward of the state, and they place her in a really dumpy facility, the family has absolutely no say-so in wanting mom somewhere else. The states decides all care, including which doctors she sees. If at all possible, guardianship is the much better alternative. Also, if mom has a nice chunk of finances saved up, the state will eat every single penny and leaving mom with the bare minimum to cover things like personal hygiene/clothing, etc for mom.
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You’ve been a great daughter and have been dedicated to mom (and dad) and what you’ve done for the last 20 years is quite honorable. Shame on your siblings! It sounds like it might be time to transfer mom to a facility that is equipped to care for her. You definitely need and deserve a break. You have the whole rest of your life to live, and you have already put in more than enough time being there for your parents. It sounds like mom probably won’t go into a care facility/assisted living facility willingly. Of course exhaust every reason to her why it’s a good idea to do so, and that she will be paying for it if she doesn’t qualify for Medicare to pay it just yet.

if after exhausting your point on this, she is still unwilling to go, you might need to petition the court for guardianship. If she obviously cannot live or do things on her own, then you’ll need to voice concerns about safety and behaviors to the court. Things like can she still keep track of finances, or bathe and groom by herself, if she has an excessive amount of falls, hallucinations/delusions/memory impairment of concern, etc. it helps to keep a journal and record all your concerns as they happen- dates and all. If your area has it, check into emergency temporary guardianship- in my area (Florida) that process takes a shorter amount of time opposed to petitioning for plenary guardianship at the get go. Temporary usually lasts for 90days. With the emergency temporary, you will be able find placement for mom during that time, and probate court will send out 3 court appointed professional evaluator’s to evaluate mom in depth and thoroughly. They will then decide if mom needs a permanent plenary guardian (guardian over person and property) based on their observations. Of course you would be in charge of all her affairs- but it will be NOTHING like you’re going through now. More of the secretarial side of things. Which will leave plenty of room to be able to be just daughter when you go visit her. Also, when it comes to guardianship, all of the costs for facilities/meds/personal necessities must come from her finances. And you can do that legally through all the guardianship. I hope you find your answer and get the break that you genuinely deserve
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Reply to JooFroo
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You deserve time with your husband and do it before tou forget who you both were before all this happened. I would love to know that silly clown...they always make everyone smile.
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Reply to Bubba12345
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Step one is to make immediate plans to move out. As long as you are under her roof, you are going to be her slave. So just move out. Tell her you are willing to help her with selling her house and moving to an assisted living facility, and if she refuses simply say OK and be on your way. Some critical events will be happening soon after that and the chips will fall where they may.
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Reply to LakeErie
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So Sorry 😞
You need to take control of her finances so that you can make the decisions…you and your hubby need the break. Burnout is real so change the dynamics immediately.. find your peace… we only go this way once!
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Reply to Endure
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If you are having to take time off of work - I would charge her for your time lost at work. AND or hire help. I cared for mom wo pay for years and am not taking time off wo being compensated anymore. I have hired help 3 hours in mornings to help with showers, exercises, then lunch. BUT "hired" help is not always reliable (especially in these circumstances) and I have to take time off work. AND I am charging her the amount I pay the "hired help" starting this year. I also have to take time to do her grocery shopping, Dr apts, etc...
Sisters refuse to help. I felt really guilty at first charging her - but was also resentful for doing this for free....
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Reply to jules925
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Let’s consider the siblings have boundaries regarding caregiving. It’s unfair to demonize family members that have clearly stated they will not take on caregiving.
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Reply to JeanLouise
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JDCapri54 Feb 22, 2025
With all due respect to “boundaries” they can help in some way.
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