Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Welcome to the forum. Thanks for filling out your bio. It helps.
“What do you do?” Could you move out? Even if you took a trip or spent a few days with a friend, it would help both you and mom gain perspective.
You need a break and mom needs to miss you. It doesn’t sound like mom is happy with you living with her.
Then. When you come back (if you decide to) don’t continue to focus on mom. Live your life, not hers.
At 89/90 mom could live a very long time. Her last days could also be your last days. What would you like your last days to be? Why are you so focused on mom’s last days? You matter too!
Perhaps it’s time for mom to hire help or go to facility care if she needs 24/7 care. What are her options?
You say that she doesn't have dementia, so I wonder if you might explain to us your choice to live with her? Has your mom always been a bit of an unhappy woman, or is this new with her and a result of the aging process?
Answers to the above will help me to have some clue what you are currently enduring, and what might be a few options for change. Best of luck and welcome to the Forum.
In your bio you stated, "I am a caring person who just wants my mom to live her last years in her home..."
Why?
Are you worried that facilities are horrible places? Or, that she can't afford the cost? Have you ever tried to hire an in-home companion aid for her to take her focus off of you? My Aunt and her sister had a wonderful aid for 6 years.
Also, how do you know "she doesn't have dementia"... has she ever had a cognitive test given by her primary doctor? If not, I would strongly recommend doing this -- you may be very surprised at the results.
If she's always been like this, does she have a mental illness?
If she became like this, maybe she has depression and anxiety, which often comes with age-related decline. Her brain doesn't allow her to process her emotions properly anymore. It woud be merciful to talk to her primary doctor doctor about meds. My 95-yr old Mom started the lowest dose of Lexapro last year and it made a big difference for her (and me!).
FYI her older sister just passed away at 105, so if your Mom doesn't have any other profound health problems like heart disease, COPD, diabetes, renal failure, CHF, cancer, etc. then she could live for many more years with her mental state continuing to degrade.
I'm hoping you are her PoA. If she hasn't already gone for her free annual Medicare wellness exam, make this appointment for her and put her depression and anxiety concerns in her portal as a preemptive note to her doctor (or hand them a pre-written note at the exam). Stay in the room with her and make sure she takes the cognitive and memory test. They can't prescribe mood meds without first having an in-person exam. If you have to tell your Mom a "therapeutic fib" to get her in for this exam and for why you're staying in the room, that's morally permissible. I do it all the time to get my spicy Mom to do things in her best interests.
I wish you success in making your own life a priority and appropriate care for your Mom.
Why do you continue to live there? She doesn’t want you there and you don’t want to be there, so what is the point? Stop wasting your time and energy on her, move out, and spend your life with people who respect and appreciate you. If she needs physical help, call APS and let them deal with her. You don’t deserve her abuse, so don’t put up with it anymore. You being there does not make her happy, so it’s pointless. I’m sorry this is the mother you got stuck with, but you don’t have to stay stuck. Get out and reclaim a positive life for yourself.
In your bio you say, I am caring for my mother Margaret, who is 89 years old, living at home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, incontinence, osteoporosis, and sleep disorder.
Is she being treated for her anxiety and depression? If not, meds tend to make a pretty big difference for miserable, hateful folks in general. If that doesn't work, it's time for you to move out and move her into managed care. I'd tell her that too. If she can't stop the chronic hateful complaining, you'll have to move out and get her into a nursing home. Her choice. All choices have consequences, even for 89 year old women who's daughters are killing THEMSELVES trying to make them happy.
Multigenerational living often doesn't work. No need to feel guilty. Mom's had a whole lifetime to provide for her elder care. If her only plan was you, that's her fault.
We don't have to take care of anyone we don't want to! (Plus I bet she does have dementia.) Get out of there and have a life.
My 92 year old grandpa lived with my family in a CO owned home for 5 years. When it became evident that he needed more than we could provide a hospital visit ended up with him in an ALF. He did nothig but create chaos there and although everyone always said he was "alert and oriented" every single person agreed with dementia. Several docs refused to talk to me stating that if he is alert and said not to they have to honor that EVEN though he has a dementia diagnosis and I am medical and DPOA. It was a nightmare. Finally he created an issue that got him baker acted from the ALF and they refused to take him back. That was a turning point to memory care and although I still question if I am the one who is wrong (About his diagnosis) he seems to be doing much better with less freedom. I am getting WAY less calls and he seems to be 'behaving'. I cannot help but wait for the next shoe to drop but until it does I am just happy he is in a safe place where he is being taken care of by qualified people. Now that he has been out of the home I can see how badly his attitude and demands were hurting my family. Sometimes it takes an event for a diagnosis that you didnt see coming. Sometimes its obvious.
"..seems to be doing much better with less freedom."
I have been witnessing the same.
It is like the ALF structure & routine is not just helpful, but was NEEDED.
The tactics used to direct & control family & the primary caregiver do not work on the revolving fleet of caregivers. Staff members are polite, but not emotionally involved, they do they shift & leave.
While it is sad there is not the deeper connection (as with family caregiver) the big reduction in anxiety is evident & a big positive.
Move out. You did your best to keep your mother living her final years at home. No one can ask more than that. Dementia or not, it isn't working out. Your life is being destroyed by caregiving. No more.
Call APS and tell them your mother is a vulnerable senior who will soon be living on her own with no care because you're moving away. Then you have to go. APS will get her put into assisted living or memory care.
You did your best. It's time to take your life back and have her put into a care facility.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Welcome to the forum. Thanks for filling out your bio. It helps.
“What do you do?”
Could you move out?
Even if you took a trip or spent a few days with a friend, it would help both you and mom gain perspective.
You need a break and mom needs to miss you. It doesn’t sound like mom is happy with you living with her.
Then. When you come back (if you decide to) don’t continue to focus on mom. Live your life, not hers.
At 89/90 mom could live a very long time. Her last days could also be your last days. What would you like your last days to be? Why are you so focused on mom’s last days? You matter too!
Perhaps it’s time for mom to hire help or go to facility care if she needs 24/7 care. What are her options?
What are yours?
Has your mom always been a bit of an unhappy woman, or is this new with her and a result of the aging process?
Answers to the above will help me to have some clue what you are currently enduring, and what might be a few options for change.
Best of luck and welcome to the Forum.
Why?
Are you worried that facilities are horrible places? Or, that she can't afford the cost? Have you ever tried to hire an in-home companion aid for her to take her focus off of you? My Aunt and her sister had a wonderful aid for 6 years.
Also, how do you know "she doesn't have dementia"... has she ever had a cognitive test given by her primary doctor? If not, I would strongly recommend doing this -- you may be very surprised at the results.
If she's always been like this, does she have a mental illness?
If she became like this, maybe she has depression and anxiety, which often comes with age-related decline. Her brain doesn't allow her to process her emotions properly anymore. It woud be merciful to talk to her primary doctor doctor about meds. My 95-yr old Mom started the lowest dose of Lexapro last year and it made a big difference for her (and me!).
FYI her older sister just passed away at 105, so if your Mom doesn't have any other profound health problems like heart disease, COPD, diabetes, renal failure, CHF, cancer, etc. then she could live for many more years with her mental state continuing to degrade.
I'm hoping you are her PoA. If she hasn't already gone for her free annual Medicare wellness exam, make this appointment for her and put her depression and anxiety concerns in her portal as a preemptive note to her doctor (or hand them a pre-written note at the exam). Stay in the room with her and make sure she takes the cognitive and memory test. They can't prescribe mood meds without first having an in-person exam. If you have to tell your Mom a "therapeutic fib" to get her in for this exam and for why you're staying in the room, that's morally permissible. I do it all the time to get my spicy Mom to do things in her best interests.
I wish you success in making your own life a priority and appropriate care for your Mom.
If that isn't an option, you need to remove yourself from the same room and reset your emotions.
Have you expressed this behaviour to her physician? Perhaps your mother has depression and would benefit from an anti depressent.
Is she being treated for her anxiety and depression? If not, meds tend to make a pretty big difference for miserable, hateful folks in general. If that doesn't work, it's time for you to move out and move her into managed care. I'd tell her that too. If she can't stop the chronic hateful complaining, you'll have to move out and get her into a nursing home. Her choice. All choices have consequences, even for 89 year old women who's daughters are killing THEMSELVES trying to make them happy.
Good luck.
Multigenerational living often doesn't work. No need to feel guilty. Mom's had a whole lifetime to provide for her elder care. If her only plan was you, that's her fault.
We don't have to take care of anyone we don't want to!
(Plus I bet she does have dementia.) Get out of there and have a life.
I have been witnessing the same.
It is like the ALF structure & routine is not just helpful, but was NEEDED.
The tactics used to direct & control family & the primary caregiver do not work on the revolving fleet of caregivers. Staff members are polite, but not emotionally involved, they do they shift & leave.
While it is sad there is not the deeper connection (as with family caregiver) the big reduction in anxiety is evident & a big positive.
Call APS and tell them your mother is a vulnerable senior who will soon be living on her own with no care because you're moving away. Then you have to go. APS will get her put into assisted living or memory care.
You did your best. It's time to take your life back and have her put into a care facility.