I am my mother's medical and financial POA. My father and brother are dead and I have been managing my mother's affairs legally since 2018. Mom is in an assisted facility with memory deterioration. I live in a city an hour and half drive away. Mom moved into the facility after she had a serious heart failure that required a pacemaker implant. She lives in a rural community where health care is adequate, but anything difficult or requires a specialist means trips to nearby cities. I tried to keep her in her home as long as possible, but she finally made the decision to move to the only facility she deemed fit to go to. She liked it because she was close to my brother's wife and children and great grandchildren, with promises of visiting and calling. Mom's short term memory is leaving and her PCP assured me that this would have happened even if there was no covid and he has noticed a marked decline in the last several months. It is becoming more difficult for me to handle her needs, my stress is high. The cherished family that lives close by have not called or visited either social front porch/social room, or virtually. I have pushed, given suggestions, covered for them when she would ask why she doesn't see them. Mom is struggling to understand why they don't visit, I am struggling to deal with the difficulty in doing runs of "drive and drops" during lockdown. My stress level is high. I have made the difficult decision to move mom to a facility close to me so we can visit, she has good medical care as she ages, and to help my stress level.
My SIL had a stroke and has recovered, she is still dealing with memory and confusion issues due to the stroke. I have discussed this possibility of moving mom closer and she understands because she sees how difficult it is becoming for me. But her children will be upset, even tho they have not seen or talked with mom. MY children have seen her more via virtual visits and they live in various parts of the country and out of the country.
I know I am making the right decision, I know it will be difficult for mom to leave her little town, I am prepared to deal with this, but I am anticipating a major blowback from the local crew. NOT sure I can deal with THAT. My SIL sees mom is not mom, but her children, who live just blocks away, have not talked with her enough to notice the decline. Am I being too selfish for being exhausted with long distance management and stress? Has anyone any advice?
Move mom and develop a thick skin if there is criticsm.
The phrase "I couldn't possibly continue to do that long drive anymore" is a starting place.
Feel good about your decision and that you are helping the people who matter most in this decision - you (the holder of her POAs) and her.
The word “selfish” shouldn’t even be part of your language when speaking of what you intend to do.
The way you deal with the “flack” is by training yourself to ignore it.
A similar situation nearly succeeded in making me physically ill when it became necessary to place my LO before Covid. I actually consulted a lawyer who wrote a letter suggesting that the offending parties could choose to “show up or shut up”. That did the trick.
The stress will lessen if Mom is closer. Yes, you still will need to pay bills and get her personal items not provided by AL. Visit. The best thing for me was Medicaid. Mom no longer had any money to worry about. I allowed the NH, she transferred to from the AL, to become her payee for SS. All her Depends and personal items were supplied by the NH. All I had to do was visit.
As my dear daughter would say "turn it back on them". If the grands complain about not being able to see Grandma, just say "when is the last time u saw her, talked to her on the phone, or sent a card?" And let it go at that. You do what you need to do for you. It is no longer what Mom wants its what she needs. She needs to be closer to the one who does the Caring.
In the seven months she was there, she was visited by two friends a couple of times and by people from her church she didn't know. My brother wouldn't visit unless I was there, too, so neither did my niece. I was there every Wednesday and Sunday, though, and spent hundreds of dollars on gas and food, because I brought Sunday dinner for all of us to have with her.
This was finally untenable, and I decided to move her closer to me. She doesn't miss the old place, she doesn't talk about her friends, and she's getting far better care. I no longer resent my brother for being weak about visiting, and everything is much better, especially when I get midnight or 5 a.m. phone calls saying she's being sent to the hospital for one thing or another.
You're doing the right thing, and don't worry about any blow-back. If the grandchildren want to see her, they know where she is. It isn't your job to make it easy on them.
I can’t imagine if Mom’s facility was further away.
You are doing the right thing.
Anyone who does not participate, in care or visits, does not get a dang vote.
i agree!!
hug!!
As an ordained minister that worked in nursing care I have sen this happen al to often. It is unfortunate when others want to control others. You are the one responsible for your Mother. That decision has been made. Moving her closer to you gives you more ability to provide for her in the best manner that you can.
It is unfortunate that people want to tell others what to do in life. What I said in AARP is that you can do everything others want and give up your needs (and in this case what is best for her) and often the others are still not satisfied. Often bitterness and resentment set in for a lifetime. It isn't worth it.
I agree with others. Don't say a word to others. Just do what is best for her and you. YOU ARE SO KIND TO TAKE CARE OF THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT YOU ACEPTED IN SUCH A LOVING CARING WAY> NOT ALL DO.
God bless you in your endeavours.
Yes it will be sad for your Mother to leave her town. But in reality, is she interacting much within the town now? It's ok to be sad, for your town relatives to be sad also. I would label it as that: sadness.
The danger is their own guilt over not visiting will get thrown as blame full force at you. You may not be able to stop that. Maybe rephrasing? Think of a 'slogan' & be a broken record with it.
It is not your fault that anyone ages. Your Mother needs more help now, needs your help, so she is moving closer to you.
I wish you well for the transition.
Your words have helped